Maid in Malacañang - Movie Review

As "luck" would have it, I got a hold of a ticket to the red carpet screening of Maid in Malacañang, the hot new movie people on Twitter can't shut up about.  If you want the short story, I didn't like this movie. If you want the longer story, read on.

Unrealistic Expectations

The movie is the "untold story" of the last days of the Marcos Presidency inside Malacañang Palace before they were brought to Hawaii during the EDSA revolution.

I didn't know what kind of movie to expect at first since I had no interest in it and never expected to receive free tickets to the premiere screening to fall on my lap. To be honest, I thought that this movie would turn out to be like a Forrest Gump situation - a story about an average person, in this case a maid, caught up in the middle of historic events. It would be hit-or-miss parade of in-jokes and references from the time period. It would be all tongue-in-cheek. 

How naïve and ignorant I was.

Imee Marcos had a hand in the making of this movie. In fact, she was there during the screening along with the stars of the show. Each of them had a little mic time before the movie to thank the audience for attending the screening and all that. Imee, however, told us that this movie would finally show to us the truth of the events of those 72 hours after being buried all these years. It would finally show her family's side of the story. She publicly maintains that this movie is the capital "T" truth. 

Uh, huh. I was in for quite a ride.

We were given free popcorn and a "nutribun" to snack on while watching. I however, am upright of character and cannot be bribed by cheap snack foods. No sir. 

Truth is a Bludgeon

People throw the word "propaganda" around as if to show they're too smart to be fooled by media. But there's no other way to describe this movie. Imee herself said that this is "their side" of the story so by definition, it's biased. Rather than tipping the scales of history into equilibrium however, I'm presented with a story wherein President Ferdinand Marcos was a completely benevolent leader beset on all sides by "ahas" or traitors; a benign, Christ-like figure who would rather suffer betrayal (and lupus) in dignified silence than lash out and plunge the country in further peril. His family? Oh, they loved him. They loved him too much in fact, and agreed to suffer along with him. 

How their situation came about isn't addressed any further than people being selfish opportunists. The movie portrays the Marcoses as completely blameless.

And that's my problem with the movie - it lays it on too thick. This movie is as subtle as an oncoming semi-truck. Even when I already knew to expect that the movie would be biased, I didn't expect it to be as audacious as it was. If you weren't already a political supporter or ally of the Marcoses, this movie is practically insulting to your intelligence.

Chewing the Scenery

Let's put aside the politics for a moment. The movie is structured into ten (if I remember correctly) scenes. There's no single story or theme uniting these scenes together other than it being the final days of the Marcos Regime. Think of it as a collection of recollections. Each scene presents a scenario. For example, there's one scene wherein the elder Marcos has a talk with his son who is now our current President, Bongbong. There's a scene where Imee confronts her father about his passivity in the face of the dangers to his life. There's a scene where Imelda has a heart-to-heart with Bongbong, etc.

The problem I have with these scenes is that each scene is designed not just to present the Marcoses in a sympathetic light but to showcase the acting chops of its stars. It was tiring. It seemed that in each scene, every actor was trying to outdo the others in how hammy he can deliver his or her lines. There was screaming. There was yelling. Many tears were shed. It was all so melodramatic but that is to be expected in Philippine cinema. No, what really made this bad was that it was many scenes of overacting instead of just one in the end. One after the other, the movie would just come at you and demand that you share in its emotions. What made it even more obnoxious was that the cinema turned up the volume too high, so much so that the actress playing Imee was like screaming directly into my ear. By the middle of the movie, I was praying they would get in the chopper already.

Was there a "maid" in Malacanang? Yes, there were three, in fact. And they were easily the best, most relatable characters in the movie, which is why they were portrayed as staunch Marcos supporters. All the household help and staff in Malacanang, all simple everyday folk, loved the Marcoses, it seems, for reasons other than them being the ones paying their salaries. How could you not love the Marcoses? There was a scene where all the honest, hardworking staff and maids cried about how unfair it was, what the world was doing to their masters. Please sympathize and try not to roll your eyes.

The movie's artifice was too obvious.

Some Weird Scenes

As if the movie wasn't hard enough to go along with, the director, for some reason, decided to put some very bizarre scenes that just yanked me out of the movie.

The first scene was the one I mentioned previously where Imelda had a heart-to-heart with her son. As they laid side by side on the bed talking about how she wondered if they could return to their beloved Philippines, the camera zoomed into one of her shoes which had the label "BBM 2022". To those who don't know, that's a reference to her son's political campaign and if the scene I just described to you sounds utterly ridiculous, that's because it is. I have no idea why the director did this to me and to the audience. 

The second scene which had me scratching my head was during the finale when a loyal soldier played by Robinhood (formerly known as just Robin) Padilla volunteered to escort the President and his family to safety. When they asked this loyal soldier how he was able to sneak into the Palace, he said he pretended to be a "yellowtard" and got through. If you didn't know, "yellowtard' is a modern derogatory epithet to describe the EDSA crowd. The director, for some unexplained reason, just put that there in the subtitles but the spoken dialogue did not use "yellowtard".  Was it a mistake? Maybe the original script was packed full of vitriol. Who knows? All I know is the director seems determined to make me dislike his movie and not take it seriously despite it being the supposed buried truth of the Marcoses' Exodus. 

Also, there was also a scene where Ferdinand Marcos looked at Imee lovingly in the eyes, as a father would his daughter, and told her that it was actually her who was the real maid in Malacañang after all. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Final Thoughts

This movie was clearly not made for the likes of me. If you were a Marcos supporter, you would love this movie and you would probably even cheer when you see the magic time-travelling shoe and laugh when Robinhood made a jab against those dumb yellows. If you're on the fence or apathetic to Philippine politics, then this movie would probably be a disappointment or nothing at all. 

However, if you're an EDSA guy, a Kakampink, or of similar persuasion, this movie will kill you. You'll snap your neck from vigorously shaking your head in shame and disbelief. Consider that a warning.

Do I recommend this movie? I don't believe I have to say anything. You already know if you love it or hate it. Just don't make the mistakes I did and expect any awareness or nuance in this modern political landscape.

If you're still reading this and at this point you're wondering about my personal political leanings so you can hate me for them, then I'm sorry that modern politics has rotted your brain. 

Peace. 

Movie Review: Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame is a Hong Kong Action/Mystery film released in 2010 and directed by Tsui Hark. The story is about Di Renjie (Andy Lau), a celebrated official of the Tang Dynasty, tasked by Empress Wu Zetian (Carina Lau) to solve a series of deaths via spontaneous human combustion.

I was surprised to learn that this movie is inspired by an 18th century Chinese detective novel Celebrated Cases of Judge Dee, the English translation published in 1949. This stuff really goes back. It's a pretty interesting bit of trivia but the movie has little to do with the book.

Empress Wu Zetian is about to ascend to the imperial throne. Of course she has political enemies, even more so since she's a woman. A woman as head of state was unprecedented at the time. In honor of her coronation, a giant statue of Buddha is constructed and things hit a snag when one of its designers suddenly bursts into flames.

Aaaaaaahhh!

I was already interested with the idea of a detective movie set in Imperial China, but the opening mystery of people inexplicably exploding into fireballs got my attention.

So what's causing all these government officials to go to an early fiery retirement? This looks like a job for master detective Dee who, by the way, has been locked up in prison for the last eight years on charges of treason. Hey, it's no big deal. I love scenes where heroes are summoned from retirement/confinement to do a job only they can do. The Empress doesn't seem to mind letting him have a crack at it. On his part, Dee has no hard feelings since the whole affair was not borne of personal animosity to the empress but out of his concern for the state. That's how you can tell who's the hero in Chinese films.

The movie isn't all sleuthing and deducing. There's plenty of kung-fu action to go around and it's pretty damn good. The fight choreography was arranged by Sammo Hung so this is no third-rate movie we're talking about here. This is a blockbuster style movie with a big budget to match. The visuals are great to look at, the setting is rich, and the costumes are eye-catching, especially the empress' outrageous robes and hairdos.

You know who's in charge.

The CGI is... good enough. While CGI is a necessity for movies nowadays and allows movie makers to show stunning visuals they could not otherwise practically create, the problem is always if the CGI will age well or "hold up" in time. For the most part, the CGI in this movie is good. There may be some problems in certain areas. Without spoiling too much, there's a scene where Dee interacts with a bunch of animals. But overall, the CGI is good. It's not distracting and serves the movie well.

It's interesting that the movie is not fantastical. What I mean by that is that there's no magic spells, ghosts, chi energy, or any of that kind of stuff. In fact, one of the themes of the movie is Dee's dismissal of supernatural causes of events in favor of more rational explanations. The movie is presented with a sort of realness to it, until you get to the fight scenes that is. Oh, the fight scenes. It's all well and good to talk about logic and reason but when it comes time to throw down, people are leaping sixty feet in the air, spinning, twirling, and kicking logs at each other. Surprisingly, the movie doesn't suffer for this. This is pretty much a thing you can hand-wave away in Chinese cinema. "Wire-fu" is a convention of the genre. Their ludicrous feats of martial skills are not meant to be seen as a sort of magic ability but rather, as a way to enhance the characters. It makes them seem important, like mythical characters out of an epic tale. It fits. A more visceral, realistic take on fight scenes a la The Raid would not have worked.

Detective Dee is not working alone though. The empress sends her favorite officer Jing'er (Li Bingbing) to keep an eye on Dee.

Jing'er

She's not exactly a romantic interest but more of a foil. She's an annoyance to Dee, naturally, but she can kick ass and is super serious towards her duties to her mistress. Dee and Jing'er frequently get sassy and sarcastic to each other, which is entertaining. Another character, and my personal favorite, is Pei (Chao Deng).

My boy, Pei.

He's a police official who has white hair, wears all black, wields an axe, and has a perpetual scowl on his face. He's so edgy, I love it. He's more independent minded than Jing'er and is willing to accept explanations that may not be pleasant to hear for those in the imperial court. The main cast play off each other well but the star is of course Dee, the Sherlock Holmes who puts together the clues and pursues the leads.

Dee inspects the evidence.

But don't think this is a movie where the audience can "play along". You won't spot the answer early on or anything. The mystery unravels in an orderly manner. It's still fun nonetheless, to follow the heroes as they uncover the truth. The pacing is good and the movie kept my attention all throughout.

Overall, it's a pretty good movie and worth checking out.

Short Cuts: American Sniper

American Sniper is a biographical war movie directed by Clint Eastwood based on the memoir American Sniper: The Autobiography of the Most Lethal Sniper in U.S. Military History written by Chris Kyle. I should mention that I haven't read the book and simply watched the movie on HBO one lazy afternoon so I can't comment on the whether the film was a faithful adaptation or not.

This movie was controversial when it was released. Critics dismissed the film as propaganda; a jingoist film that glossed over the evils of the war in Iraq. Supporters of the film stood by it as a celebration of the heroism of soldiers like Chris Kyle. The whole hubbub surrounding this film is tainted by politics but it can't be helped. Many Americans still feel very strongly about the war and their biases filter the way they see the movie. Since I'm not an American, I don't have that kind of baggage and hopefully, I can provide a more objective or neutral opinion on the film.

The film is about Chris Kyle, who was such a deadly sniper that he became known as "The Legend". Many soldiers were saved by his killing of enemy threats. He was so good that a bounty was placed on his head. The film isn't solely about his exploits in war however, but also about his family life and the struggles he had to face after his tours of duty in Iraq. Overall, I thought it was a good movie. If you take your mind off the Iraq war and its antecedents and just focus on the subject of the movie, Chris Kyle, you would appreciate the movie more.

Black, White and Grey

One problem I can see with the film is that there is little moral conflict or doubt when it came to the war itself. Chris Kyle, played by Bradley Cooper, explained his view, taught to him by his father, that the world is composed of sheep, wolves and sheepdogs and that it was his job to protect people by killing the enemy. Not to make insults but it's a simplistic worldview and the movie seems to warp around that to reflect it. The Iraqis are the bad guys, he shoots them and that's that. I can see why the movie's critics dismiss this as propaganda. The black and white battleground may not seem fair to people who have other views of the conflict. The hero himself doesn't seem to experience any moment of regret about the people he shot or consider any action he took as a mistake. The film seems to strongly imply that Chris Kyle, and America by extension if you're biased that way, were most definitely the good guys and doesn't explore this any further. You can see how this upsets people who opposed the war.

But you know what? I'm fine with that. You know, war movies shouldn't necessarily be obliged to take a moment and explain to the audience about the nuances of the war and the different points of view to the conflict. The hero shouldn't be obliged to suddenly stop, get on his hands and knees and scream to the heavens, "What have I done!?" and mope about questioning the righteousness of the war. It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that there are soldiers who have a simple point of view and simply don't have a problem killing people who they sincerely believe had it coming. I read that the actual Chris Kyle had no problems with killing people and may have enjoyed it. It's a tad disturbing if it's true but there are people like that.

The real interesting bit is that even if Chris Kyle believed he was killing the bad guys, he still develops emotional trauma from his experiences. In the movie, Chris develops a legendary reputation among the troops and many hail him as a hero. This bothers him since he doesn't consider himself as such in the film. In an unusual twist, the soldier is traumatized not by what he did but by what he didn't do. He laments that he couldn't save everyone. Even in the scenes where he returns to his home in America, his mind is still in Iraq. He spends the day watching snuff videos of American soldiers being killed in Iraq and it tears him up inside. He seethes and broods and it's obvious that he wants to get back in the fight, so much so that he goes on four tours to Iraq.

I think that's the key to the movie. It's about Chris Kyle, right? If we're to understand the guy, we have to see things from his point of view and this would necessarily mean the reduction of the Iraq War into a simple good vs. evil type of conflict. That's how he saw it.  His good vs evil, sheep, wolf and sheepdog point of view led him to do heroic (saving soldiers) things but was also the cause of his turmoil. His whole self-inflicted ordeal could also seem foolish to outsiders who don't see the world this way. At times he seemed like a guy who seemed too obsessed with having to do his duty to save everybody. Possible hero complex? The film doesn't explore it much.

There were bad guys and all we know about them is that they're bad. The hero's nemesis, an enemy sniper, was just that. There was a brief scene which showed that the enemy sniper too had a family and seemed eerily similar to our hero but it's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it type of deal and it's never explored.

It was a little disappointing that, near the end, it seems that Chris was getting over his hangups it a little too easily but then the ending happened. The movie just abruptly ended. I don't know if I should spoil the real-life reason why but it was poignant and ironic.

Is it good?

Yes, but only if you can set your politics about the war aside for a while and just watch it for what it is. It's red meat. It's a good guy vs. bad guys movie like the days of old except that it stars a character (or real person?) who actually believed the world was good guy vs. bad guys. Strangely, the best scenes were the ones when Chris returned home to his wife and children and finds himself unable to adjust back to normal civilian life. Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller gave great performances. It seemed like you could feel tension in the air between them and feel the emotional distance between them even as they lay in bed together.

One Last Complaint

In one scene where his character attempts to be a father to his family, Bradley Cooper has to take, what is supposed to be a child, in his arms and its clearly not a child. It's fake. It's a fake plastic baby.

I hate this scene. I really fucking hate this. It took me completely out of the movie and distracted me so much that I couldn't pay attention to what the characters were saying. It's like taking a nice, comfortable bus ride and somebody just makes the worst, smelliest, beefiest fart next to you and it lingers for several minutes. It's almost as bad as the CGI baby in Twilight and damn this film for making me remember Twilight. The actor did his best and tried to make it move its arm with his thumb but that made it even worse.

Anyway, it was a good movie.

Short Cuts: Guardians of the Galaxy

I've been a little busy and in a very bad mood lately so let's do this quickly.

I didn't like this movie. I just didn't. Entertainment is subjective. What one person finds entertaining may be boring to others. That being said, if you already saw this movie and enjoyed it, good for you.

Well, that's all.

Just kidding. I guess I owe it to the almost-handful of people who read this blog to explain my reasons for disliking what appears to be the movie everyone just loves to death.

"Humor"

This movie has only three things going for it: its humor, its retro soundtrack and its comic book nerd appeal. The humor wasn't very funny. Sure, it may have been amusing the first few attempts but it got old fast. The "oh, look at me, don't take me seriously" kind of humor where the characters point at themselves or at their situation and expect us to laugh didn't really work for me. I find absurd humor funnier when the characters do not point out or acknowledge their own situation and instead, leave it to the audience to get it on their own. But such a manner would need subtlety in a movie that's filled to the brim with audience pandering. There was too much expository dialogue at certain points and not enough "set-up then pay-off" kinds of humor. I didn't help that I disliked our main hero played by Chris Pratt. I didn't find Chris Pratt particularly funny and I'm not sure why. The other actors were just okay I guess.

Pandering

Anyway, back to the pandering. My inner cynic was attempting to eat it's way out of my chest again when it came to the soundtrack.  This movie was downright low in shoving in as much old 70's hits as possible. I knew what this was. It was meant to appeal to the old nerds in the audience as well as the people who would feel so happy about themselves in hearing the old pop songs and then congratulate themselves for knowing the names of the songs. "Hey! I remember that song! Cherry Bomb!" It's hipster garbage calculated to stick in your ear and make people feel good and nostalgic and remember the movie in a positive light. The movie takes special care to insert oh-so-serious scenes in between the action and laughs. It felt jarring and poorly done. We go from comedic to super serious like a flip of a switch. The tone whiplash is annoying. In fact, the rather heavy opening sequence doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the movie except to be called back at the end just for the audience to go, "Awww, now Chris Pratt has a chance to do what he couldn't as a kid." How cheap.

Enough

As for comic book nerd appeal, it's already obvious at this point with the over-saturation of comic book based movies today. Frankly, I'm sick and tired of it. I think the only reason I can say I didn't like the movie is because I don't care much for comic books in the first place. I'm not really invested in this universe or any others. Sure, I read a few and can appreciate it for what it is but I'm not so attached to it. You know what, I take pride in not knowing the in-jokes or gags that only the "real fans" would get. At least I know that all that is just pandering. Hollywood can take that nostalgia, "feel good" crap and shove it up its ass.

 The Ugly Truth

Take away these three things and what do you have? Take away the brand name appeal, copyrighted characters and franchise and then what do you have? You have a movie that can't stand on its own. A lazy, bog-standard mediocre space adventure film with a few cool looking fight scenes that treats its audience like easy-to-please dumbasses. I wish the movie tried a little harder to be clever. I wish it didn't act as if it knew it was already gonna make millions of dollars anyway regardless and tried a little harder in general.

It's been a rough couple of days by the way. Just saying.

Godzilla (2014) Review

It's hard to write about this movie without giving out major spoilers. I liked this movie so I don't want to spoil it for people. 

Let's get something straight first: Why do people want to watch Godzilla? They want to see the giant monster of course! However, modern movie audiences are so much different from the old audiences of the old Godzilla movies. You show a kid an old Godzilla movie and I doubt he can appreciate the special effects in their context or the work put in to make it look good. Special effects have advanced considerably and the possibilities of computer-generated imagery are limitless. That's a problem. 

Modern movies are already so saturated with CGI effects that it can get old real fast. The amount of destruction we see in a typical Transformers movie is already a lot if you think about it. The average person has probably seen so much simulated destruction of cities already that it isn't impressive. It doesn't make as go, "Woah..." OK, maybe the first few minutes are amazing but if you get fed the same slop for an extended period of time, you get sick of it.

So the problem then, for this Godzilla movie, is that people want to see the monster but if you overexpose the monster, it won't be as awesome anymore. I sincerely doubt movie audiences can really stomach an "old school" Godzilla movie where choppers just follow Godzilla around for two whole hours non-stop while scientists and poorly dubbed Japanese people talk about how important everything is.

So the problem then is to prevent overexposure of the monster. The solution is to slowly build up the monster (to make us want to see it even more) while adding a human drama element to keep the audience attached in the meantime and place themselves into the movie. If you'll notice, the trailers themselves don't even reveal much of the plot or the monster. So everything has to be rationed and doled out efficiently and effectively. The movie succeeds in this in my opinion.

The Human Drama Element

First of all, it wasn't stupid or insulting to the intelligence so that's a major plus. Bryan Cranston does an incredible job acting and pretty much carries the movie all by himself for the crucial first part of the show. The lead, Aaron Taylor-Johnson is alright enough. I didn't mind him. I like Ken Watanabe because he's Ken Watanabe. Let me just sum it up by saying that there were no major problems as far as the acting talent is concerned. Nothing was stupid or made you roll your eyes. There was nobody named, "Niko Tatopolous" or shit like that. There is no lameness or attempts to be tongue-in-cheek here.

As to the plot of the human drama, it's not that strong. It's standard stuff; military has a plan, they don't listen to the scientist, the hero is separated from his wife, raised stakes, etc. Not that there's anything wrong with that. You can't have the human story get too convoluted lest we forget about the three hundred fifty foot monster, you know?

The Monster

Oh man. OK, let me just say this: People complain about not seeing enough of the monster. Again, I doubt the audiences today can stomach two hours of watching Godzilla walk to some place to do some thing. You build it up, it appears, it does its thing and then it leaves. The film cuts back to the humans a lot and that's supposed to tease you. I totally understand if people have no patience for these games but personally, I can appreciate why they did it. You gotta have them begging on their knees for more. You gotta work em' good for that big payoff.

Do we get it though? Yeah, don't worry. The end is satisfying. You see just enough. You don't see too much where it gets too over the top ridiculous and clashes with the straight and serious tone of the movie.  It's not too little either where you feel you were outright cheated out of your money.

That's pretty much all I can say about this movie. It's enough. Not too much, not too little. It hits it just right. I thought it was good and I recommend it.

So thumbs up, eh?

Short Cuts: Les Miserables

Late last Tuesday when I was snug in my bed, I saw Les Miserables on HBO. I admit, I cried at the end but only because the movie was finally over. What a ridiculous piece of crap.

Miserable Indeed

Now, I've never seen Les Miserables before. I've heard of it but I haven't seen any play or read the book. I'm an uncultured swine so sue me.

I found the whole movie tedious. I guess it's because they sang everything. Normally, I expect regular dialogue in between numbers but it was all singing all the time. How does that work anyway, singing everything you say? Does one have to sing, "I gotta go piss in the bathroom!" before he does it? Anyway, I wouldn't have a problem with it if the movie wasn't two and a half hours long. It's tiring and hard to sit through since all that singing is insisting I stay engaged. Give me a break.

I think I don't need to talk about the story since it's, you know, way more than a hundred years old. I get the feeling that all the actors in this movie are trying to nab the spotlight and outdo everything else. I dunno, maybe that's just me. Overall, I didn't like it as a movie. I hope it's only because of the fact that it's a movie. Maybe I'd enjoy it if it was a different production.

I did enjoy some parts of this movie though. I enjoyed watching Russell Crowe attempt to sing. Russell Crowe's face looked so bored and tired, perhaps even depressed, throughout the whole show so naturally, I sympathized. I liked it when the kid got shot. 

I liked it when the credits started rolling.

Thor: The Dark World

I'll keep it short.

It kinda sucked. There was just nothing special about it. The best parts were the ones with Loki in it but that's about it

So I guess if you like Loki, you'll like this movie?

Captain Phillips Film Review

Guns are scary.

Captain Phillips is a movie about... Captain Phillips. It's based on a true story about one man's ordeal of being taken hostage by Somali pirates. If you remember a few years ago, this incident was sort of a big deal news story. Now it's time for the Hollywood cash-in. Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds.

Characters

I was apprehensive about this film before watching it. On the one hand, I didn't want to sit through a political screed wherein the pirates are a bunch of misunderstood people and how the world is evil for forcing them to resort to piracy. On the other hand and extreme, I was in no mood for an "America, fuck yeah!" type of movie wherein Navy SEALS repel from helicopters to rousing rock music while fighter jets whiz by. 

I must say, I was pleasantly surprised and impressed with the approach the film takes with the characters and the sides involved. The pirates are portrayed as desperate fishermen who resort to piracy for money. Well, that's not in dispute. The film however, doesn't make them out as saints. They're desperate sure, but there were many moments in the film where their greed got the better of them. Even when the pirates were clearly way out of their depth, they just had to make things worse. News flash: poor people can be just as cruel and selfish as the oppressors, real or imagined, they complain about. It's an approach that oddly humanizes them more.

Somali Fishermen

The American military in the movie were portrayed in a very professional manner to the point of being almost emotionless. The Navy were just people doing their jobs. There were no theatrics or fanfare, just "procedures". It was almost boring and you know what? That's a good thing. That's how armies are supposed to be in real life: professional. 

All in all, the film's portrayal of characters was fair which is great.

I found Tom Hanks attempt at an accent hilarious at the start of the movie. I'm no American so I can't say if the accent was correct or anything but I just found it funny. The accent was no longer a concern later on in the movie when Tom Hanks is reduced to few, short lines spoken in fear, yelling and crying. I found his performance really good but don't come into the movie house expecting an "action hero" Tom Hanks.

Barkhad Abdi, the guy who plays the main antagonist pirate captain named Muse, was also great. He had that look about him, you know? It was as if the director picked a real Somalian Pirate off the coast of Africa to act in the movie.Apparently, the guy is an actual Somalian, raised in Yemen and living in Minneapolis. The guy came out of nowhere and had no acting experience.

(Not an actual Somalian pirate)

The Story

There's really not much to say here. A ship Captain gets caught and taken hostage. If you followed the original story closely, you probably already know how it ends. But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that the movie is pretty damn thrilling. We know the story but we haven't been told the story, you dig? It's always about how things are told and this movie tells it well. I couldn't help but get hooked and wanted to see what would happen next even if I read the news stories. There's a lot of stuff in between you don't know about. It's these details that make the movie.

The Bad

One thing I found really annoying in the film was the camera work. It was shot like someone was holding a camcorder and following people around. It moved around too much. Look,. I understand why they did it. They wanted the audience to feel like they were "really there" so they went with the shaky-cam approach. It was probably just me though because nobody else seemed to notice. You get used to it in a while anyway.

Another thing in the movie that sort of bugged me were the Navy SEALS. The way they were portrayed seemed to veer a little into that "America, fuck yeah!" approach of military, macho movie bullcrap. 

In retrospect, I guess the portrayal of the SEALS as some kind of powerful force of nature was justified. It wasn't because SEALS are awesome because hey, we already know that. The reason was more to add tension to the movie. By the time the SEALS arrived, things were pretty grim and their presence gave the feeling that the final, potentially ultra-violent conclusion was drawing ever closer.

Conclusion

All in all, it was a great movie. I recommend people to go see it. It's thrilling and well-paced. It takes a very fair and even-handed approach to the story and portrays it in a believable and realistic manner. It takes a serious approach and manages to avoid, thankfully, unnecessary Hollywood bombast and flair.

Go watch it.

Ran

I saw Ran the other day because it was the Japanese epic.It wasn't what I expected. Don't get me wrong, it was indeed "epic" in the highest degree. But man, I was wrong in expecting a movie about people kicking ass. Sure, asses were kicked but Ran is a tragedy and when Kurosawa does tragedy, you know it's gonna be depressing as all hell.

Seriously, the end of the movie will have you contemplating putting your head in an oven. Even if the movie is close to three hours, things escalate, or rather, descend into chaos quickly. This movie has hatred, anger, envy, betrayal, murder, scenes of chaos and war, scenes of horrific bloodshed and violence. This movie will have you contemplating putting your head in the oven. The film flat out tells you in the end that the gods have abandoned humanity and that mankind is only good at inflicting misery and suffering on itself. The film tells you that man is born crying, cries and cries throughout his life until he finally dies. Goddamn.

There's no uplifting message here; the film goes full on nihilism. I guess I'm not used to films like these with such a strong, depressing message.

The story is about the patriarch of the Ichimonji clan, Hidetora, and his three sons: Taro, Jiro and Saburo, oldest to youngest respectively. Hidetora realizes he is too old and decides to cede authority of the domain to Jiro and live out his remaining years in peace as ceremonial leader. Saburo, however, tells his father rather bluntly that it's a stupid idea and he relies too much on the supposed love and affection of his children. Saburo tells him that the age they are living is one of conflict and strife and that the his siblings could turn on each other at any time. Hidetora refuses to believe his family could turn on each other and is angered at Saburo's protests so he banishes Saburo. This sets the stage for the conflicts to follow and it goes downhill pretty fast.

I won't spoil anymore. Nothing I write will do this film justice. This is just one of those things you just have to see. This film is supposedly based on King Lear, but not really. Kurosawa allegedly only saw the resemblance after he'd started but this should give you some basic idea of what to expect. All I can say is leave all your idealism and hope at the doorway. This film will mercilessly kick you in the balls until you lose faith in humanity.

And I thought, Throne of Blood was brutal...

Guild Wars 2: Impressions and Observations

Guild Wars 2 is an MMORPG developed by ArenaNet. It launched last August 28th to a lot of hype. It's unique in that it has no monthly subscription fee just like the first Guild Wars. I can't really offer a comprehensive review since I've yet to reach end-game content. As of this moment, I'm still level 29. I've enjoyed levelling in my own pace without feeling like I have to get tons done because I paid for game time. Instead, I'd like to give my observations about it so far.

Character Creation

There are five races in GW2 namely; the Asura, Charr, Humans, Norn and Sylvari. Asura are the short, highly advanced, mischievous but clever race. Charr are the huge, feline-like warrior race who really love war and making war and warring war. Humans are... humans. Norn are like humans but taller; vikings basically. The Sylvari are plant people born into the world from this mother tree and share experience and knowledge through the "dream" before birth.

The customization in this game is great. The ability to create your appearance was really well done. You can change the dimensions of your face as well as the color scheme of your clothing which will apply to all clothing you subsequently wear. The best part is choosing your backstory. For example, I created an Asura Engineer. You choose which college you belong, your previous teacher and so on. These choices figure in to your personal quest.

Questing
The main quest in the game is your personal story. Your personal story leads you deeper into the world so you can encounter world quests. The personal story actually progresses faster than the player. If you're level 14, your personal quest may suddenly need you to be 17 so you are "encouraged" to gain experience through world questing.

The world questing heavily emphasizes exploration. The maps are huge with quest hubs spread out all over. In addition, there are "points of interests" to explore. My favorite part are the "vistas". If you click on a vista, the camera pans out to the environment giving you really "breathtaking" views on say, a waterfall or a lush forest. If you're the type of player who doesn't give a shit, I guess this won't sound so appealing but getting all the vistas and points of interests offer good experience points and map completion which gives even more experience points.

Another thing is that there are many world events that appear on your map from time to time which anyone can jump in and participate. Your contribution determines how much points you get. It's a nice mechanic to bring players together.

The quests themselves are pretty standard. Kill this, fetch that. If you've played any MMO game before, it gets tedious. At least it's smooth.

Combat
The strange thing sbout combat in this game is that your main abilities (Num Key 1 to 4) are determined by the weapon you wield. Since i'm an engineer, I get the choice between rifles or pistols. Equipping either changes what abilities you get. For example, I can shoot a net with a rifle to snare enemies but with a pistol, I get poison darts instead.

The number 6 key is a healing ability. This is true for all players. Different classes have different healing abilities.

Keys 7 to 9 are class abilities. As an engineer, I can place turrets, bombs and such. As a game mechanic for engineers, I can equip different kits to change my basic 1-5 weapon abilities so weapons aren't such an extreme limitation to an engineer as it first appears.

Lastly, buttons F1 to F4 are abilities that can be used anytime and determined by the abilities chosen for keys 6 to 9. For example, if I chose a healing turret as my heal, the F1 key allows me to cast a healing spray anytime I want with or without a turret. If I chose a healing elixir as my heal, the F1 key allows me to throw a healing elixir to allies at long distances.

Also, everyone can dodge but pressing a movement key twice. I guess this compensates the game not having your standard "tank, healer and dps" dungeon set up.

Skills
There are no skill trees in GW2. There's a trait panel that allows you to put points in them. For example, as an engineer, my traits are Explosives, Alchemy and Invention. If you put points into any of these, you get stat bonuses and a special bonus. Putting five points in explosives allows you to drop bombs every time you dodge.

Honestly, I'm not so sure about the trait system yet.

Professions
I've ignored professions so far. I've just been focused on levelling and exploration.

Problems
I seem to have frame rate issues. The game is demanding on PCs made worse by many players running around the screen spamming abilities.

One big problem though is that the trading post always seems to be down. Having no auction house this late from launch seems like a big mistake. You'd think a modern MMO wouldn't have this problem since a functioning auction house is vital to the game economy. There are also numerous connection issues. I frequently get disconnected by the server.

Final Thoughts
I can't give a real verdict on this game since I'm not fully levelled. So far, however, I can say this is a pretty standard MMO. I'm not saying it's crappy, I'm just saying that it's on the high end of normal. It's good for something free. Of course, this could change once I get into dungeons and such.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

It's been a while since I've gone to the theatre. Going to the theatre ends up ruining the movie because people talk. Worse, they talk about dumb shit. Worse still, is when people talk aloud just to point out obvious crap. Still, This movie was worth seeing and I ended up having a lot of fun.

"ALVP" is a movie about Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth President of the United States. He was a self-educated lawyer, statesman and hero who led his country through a terrible civil war nearly tore it apart. He was a great orator who gave memorable speeches that are still studied today, and is a beloved figure in American history. Also, he hunted vampires.

Obviously, the premise was so outrageous, I went in expecting "epic" crap to happen. What I got instead was even better. The movie is played straight- very straight. There's no tongue in cheek stuff and no "Get it!?" *wink* stuff. It is played like it was an actual historic retelling of the life of Abraham Lincoln except that he slew undead in addition to being President. The movie is in your face and insisting that this is really what happened. It's so serious, it's twice as funny.

The first half of the movie feels a bit slow because you're adjusting to the kind of movie it is. In the second half, when Abe puts on his hat and grows a beard, it hits the roof and becomes awesome. This movie does have its epic moments so if that's what you're expecting, you will get some too.

All in all, the movie was great. It was done like a legitimate movie and even had dramatic moments. This, coupled with the insane premise, makes it an enjoyable movie.

Go watch it.

Yamada: The Samurai of Ayothaya (Part 2)

So the storytelling was bad but at least the action is good, right? Well, the fighting had its share of problems.

First of all, if you were to judge the fights on choreography alone, the fight scenes in this movie are excellent. However, the fights suffer from excessive post-production special effects overdose.

The fight scenes have this weird thing going on where they suddenly speed up the frames and fists move into a blur as if our eyes cannot even see the inhuman speed of their punches. But then sometimes it goes slow-mo on particularly juicy hits and then abruptly goes normal again. Now these camera tricks are fairly common but its so horribly done in this move. The speed up and slow-mo effects happen in the same scenes. There's no seperate shots or scenes and it really bothers me because it messes with the flow of the fight. What would have been awesome fights turn into extremely fake looking fights where the action is normal then goes fast then normal then slow then normal again.

Speaking of fake, the special effects other than speed tricks also suck. Take for instance the ambush of the poor Hongsawadee raiding party. Every time Yamada swipes at the enemy, there's a highly audible "Tsching!" sound. Despite being a common movie convention, the "Tching!" sound is usually for when blades are drawn so we can tell that it's fightin' time. Sheathes are usually made of wood or leather so realistically, they don't make that sound but we're so used to it now. But here, it's worse because every single time Yamada slashes a mook, it goes"Tching!". Swords don't make that sound when they hit soft, exposed flesh you know. Have you ever heard kitchen knives go "TCHING!" when chopping a piece of meat? To make matters worse, they use the very same "Tching!" sound over and over again.

There are also poorly edited low quality blood splatter effects. It's too obviously CGI. In some scenes, Yamada impales them straight with his sword and the effects showing the sword sticking out the other end looks incredibly fake. I know it's all fake but this really takes me out of the movie. I can only suspend my disbelief so long before all the fake blood splatter and the "Tching!" drives me nuts.

This movie is The Last Samurai meets Ong Bak right? Well, Ong Bak was a lot grittier. This movie lacks grit, that's the problem. It just looks too fake.

Goddamn it.

Yamada: The Samurai of Ayothaya

What a disappointment. I was expecting this film to be mindless action. The premise itself led me to believe that this would be a movie with balls-to-wall fighting with people getting elbowed in the skull but even this film failed at that.

But first let's get to the story. Normally a story this simple shouldn't be a problem. Japan was an ally in ancient Thailand. Yamada was assigned to investigate a mysterious group of people that's been causing all sorts of trouble. Coincidentally, this mysterious group are all dressed like stereotypical ninja. I wonder who they could be? Yamada discovers it's been his own people all along and is betrayed by the Japanese villain. Yamada is rescued and nursed back to health by the Ayothayans, specifically the King's royal guard. He discovers how magical their culture is, how awesome Ayothaya was, yadda yadda yadda. Then combining his samurai skills with his new Thai martial arts, kicks ass for justice. The End.

My problem with this film is not with the plot but the way it was told. Let me enumerate:

1. Alas Poor Villains

So the Ayothayans are at war with the "Hongsawadee" I think. Why? In the movie, no explanation is given for why they hate each others guts. All we're told is that they're bad and that they deseve to get stabbed in the face with huge knives. Why are they fighting? Is it a territorial dispute? Did one of them do something bad? Is it a religious war? I guess if you're Thai, the target audience, you wouldn't need an explanation since it's your history but for non-Thai, some explanation would be nice.

Also, the Hongsawadee are made to look like total chumps. The Hongsawadee are noticeably more savage in appearance compared to the noble Ayothayans. There's this scene where our heroes ambush a Hongsawadee raiding party by the river and it was just a massacre for the Hongsawadee. It was ten minutes of the Ayothayans kicking the Hongsawadee's asses so hard they were wearing them for hats! The Hongsawadee barely got a damned hit in. Our heroes were practically untouchable. I ended up feeling sorry for the poor villains/jobbers. Fights shouldn't be this one sided. I mean, we have to feel some suspense right?

2. Cultural "Wanking"

This has got to be my biggest problem. There's just to much cultural wanking going on around in this damned movie. What is cultural wanking you ask? Think of it this way. You know how old propaganda films insisted how awesome America/USSR was? You know how films with samurai in it always go to great lengths to show how awesome they were and how cool medieval Japan was? I call that cultural wanking. It's just mindnumbing posturing on how an ancient culture or even modern cultures are vastly superior, cool and totally badass.

You know, this movie is described as The Last Samurai meets Ong Bak. So for the story bit, let me talk for a moment about The Last Samurai and how cultural wanking was done there.

In The Last Samurai, a filthy, alcoholic, American white devil played by Tom Cruise is captured by the Japanese samurai he was supposed to help defeat for the modern Japanese government. While in captivity, the white man learns how perfect old Japan was. He learns how honorable and disciplined the Samurai were and ends up fighting for them in the end. God, I hated this movie. First of all, it may surprise you to learn that medieval Japan wasn't as idyllic as the movie would have you believe. Medieval Japan was a fucking hellhole with feudal states going at it in a whirlwind of blood and carnage. Newsflash! Samurai were assholes. There were noble ones sure, but on a whole, the civilian population were terrified when they came a-knockin'. Also, Samurai were pedophiles. Bet you don't remember Ken Watanabe raping a young apprentice in The Last Samurai, huh?

In The Samurai of Ayothaya, there's way too much wanking. Ayothaya is portrayed perfectly. The King's royal guard are all mohawked, invincible, shirtless ubermensch. Yamada almost instantly learns Thai martial arts and is respected. They all exchange remarks on how great their cultures are while cheesy inspirational music plays in the background. But the worst is yet to come when they return Yamada's katana to him. They remark how COMPLETELY OTHERWORLDY AWESOME the Katana is and how the blade can cut ANYTHING. Give me a fucking break. To drive home the wanking overload, a leaf falls on the katana's edge and is cut neatly in half. Barf.

That's it for now. Tomorrow, I'll write about how great the fight scenes were and how they totally blew it.

Robot (Part 2)

When we last left Chitti, he was just kissed on the cheek by Sana. This triggers interesting feelings for him and triggers another outrageous music video! Let's dance!

Tensions rise between Chitti and Doc. Chitti's feelings for Sana becomes obvious and Sana even tells him that love between woman and machine just ain't natural. It's not meant to be. Chitti is distraught. Dr. Bohra tries to take advantage of this by telling Chitti that Doc doesn't care and that Chitti should hand over his neural programming schema to him. Chitti, however, decides to be a bro and refuse. Chitti remains loyal to Doc anyway despite everything.

The next day, Chitti appears before the Indian military for an evaluation. But wait, I thought Chitti failed the initial evaluation with the Institute? Ah. whatever. Instead of demonstrating his combat prowess, Chitti deliberately fails the exam by reciting poetry about how beautiful Sana is and how war is bad. The Doc is humiliated. Doc becomes angry and hacks Chitti into pieces in his lab with an axe. He exclaims how making Chitti was a mistake. Chitti retorts that he didn't ask to be built or to have feelings. I dunno but I thought this scene was pretty powerful. Chitti looked so sympathetic and Chitti is a robot! The Doc looked like an asshole. Doc is supposed to be the good guy?

So we are treated to a scene where Dr.Bohra negotiates with a German speaking white man about the purchase of a robot army. The funny thing is, Dr.Bohra has a demonstration video showing his robots doing things like shooting civilians, planting car bombs and assassinating presidents. OK, OK, I get it. This guy wants to use technology for evil. He eventually learns of Chitti's fate and retrieves Chitti from the dump. Chitti begs to be fixed and to live and love again. Bohra obliges him but not before installing a little chip that turns you evil. Again, its obvious how evil he is. The chip is colored red and its specifically called a "destruction chip" meant to teach Chitti...to destroy. Looks like Dr.Vaseegaran is in trouble.

Oh no wait, Doc is with Sana running from a guy with a blade in a beach in some kind of comedic scene. Also, there's another music video with ABSOLUTELY NO RELATION to the plot as far as I can tell. They're on a mountain dancing with some tribals. Who knows? I guess life is good without Chitti ruining the chutney.

Chitti crashes Doc's wedding. To drive home the fact that Chitti is now evil, Chitti sports a white skunk stripe on his hair and he shoots abunch of people. After the a crazy awesome chase scene (which I can't find on youtube) Chitti takes Sana to his pleasure palace where Chitti is building his very own robot army. He killed Dr.Bohra too when he got in he way. He also threatens her with rape and has plans to create some kind of evolved "robo-sapien" baby through artificial insemination. Yeah, I don't want to think about it either.

Anyway Doc manages to sneak in the robot base and recue Sana but things get a little messy. The Indian Army confronts Chitti and his army in what is the grand climax of the film. I must say, they spared no expense in the action. Its so over the top and ridiculous that my mind still can't absorb it. I won't spoil what happens but lets just say the "Holy Shit" levels break the scale.

Anyway, doc manages to install a virus or whatever and removes the chip and deactivates the clones. Doc is in court pending capital punishment for his creation when Chitti tells the court that he is technically material evidence and not a person or a witness and can prove Doc is innocent. I don't think I've heard of such jurisprudence. Chitti proves Dr.Bohra was behind it all. Doc gets off the hook but the court orders Chitti be deactivated indefinitely. Tearfully, Doc, Sana and the government allow Chitti to deactivate himself. The film ends in a poignant note with Chitti in a museum fifty years into the future. When a child asks why he was deactivated, he replies, "I started to think."

How did I find the movie? Well, let's put it this way. It had everything and that everything was served with extra servings and dressing. The acting was overacting, the drama was over dramatic, the action scenes were so over the top etc. It's not a bad movie. I thought it was good though off putting. Sometimes there was just too much on the plate you know? The tone was weird too. It started lighthearted then got pretty deep then all screwed up and dark in the end. I dunno what else to say so I'll cop out and use a stupid quantitative scale. 7.5 out of 10.

It was fun.

Robot (Part 1)

Robot AKA "Endhiran" is a Tamil film by S. Shankar. This is an Indian film so I guess its safe to call it a Bollywood picture. Last time I checked, Tamil was a province in southern India. Anyway, its science fiction. Its a movie about a scientist named Dr. Vaseegaran who creates an incredibly human looking android. Hilarity ensues, at least, for a while. Let me break it down. Spoilers incoming needless to say.

Dr. Vaseegaran has been busy researching and building his own android apparently without any funding from any government or entity. With the help of his two comic relief assistants, he creates "Robot"...the titular robot. That's his name. Robot. Let's move on.

Eventually we learn the doctor has a girlfriend named Sana (played by the beautiful Aishwarya Rai) who he's been ignoring for a while due to his work. She whines about it. Gee, building a super advanced humanoid, the likes the world has never seen, must be hard work. Doc brings the robot home to show it to his parents. Doc asks his mom to name the robot. She names it Chitti Babu. I snicker for five minutes. She then asks Chitti to "throw on" the TV. Of course, Chitti can't understand slang and smashes the flat screen to a thousand pieces. Oh, I get it. He's a robot! He takes things literally! Ha ha! Later on, Chitti winds up slashing a corrupt cop who asked him for a "cut"! Ha ha! But seriously, that was a little screwed up.

The doctor confronts Sana and they talk about their relationship. Some sappy romance scene happens and they make up I guess. Then, all of a sudden and without any warning whatsoever, the scene inexplicably shifts to the middle of a desert oasis where the doctor is strumming a guitar. He and Sana sing and dance while the winds blow around them and the camera flies around. Oh yeah, Indian cinema baby! Her costume even changes a few times.

Doc brings Chitti to the "International Robotic Conference" and everyone is impressed except Dr. Bohra, Dr. Vaseegaran's mentor. Immediately you could tell Dr. Bohra is a villain. He looks like a complete asshole. He's envious. It turns out that Bohra had been attempting to create androids of his own but his pupil had succeeded where he had failed. He attempts to ask Chitti to reveal its secret neural programming scheme but fails. Also, Dr. Bohra's androids look like assholes too so you know this guy is trouble. His androids have mean faces with angry brows and a gunmetal black color scheme. He might as well wear a shirt with the word "villain" written on it.

Anyway, Sana wants to "borrow" Chitti for a while and Doc agrees to trust her with an extremely advanced machine for some reason. Hilarity ensues. A music video/montage of how awesome Chitti is commences. Chitti can do anything. He can cook a five star breakfast, clean up the house in a minute, take care of those jerks from the male dormitory and etc. He even helps Sana cheat on her exams using holographic imagery! She get's away with it too! Damn! There's also an over the top action scene where Chitti saves Sana from a band of thugs on a train. It's awesome.

Doc prepares Chitti for his evaluation in some kind of board for AI research. Dr. Bohra is there looking pissed. So far so good until Dr. Bohra tests Chitti. Doc tells Chitti to follow Bohra's orders so Chitti walks backwards, runs around, jumps to and fro, attempts to stab Doc - oh shit! Chitti was nearly "tricked" into stabbing Doc. Dr. Bohra smugly snorts that Chitti cannot distinguish good from bad and friend from foe so he cannot be used by the military. Doc goes home disappointed and the board walks out. Jeez, you'd think the fact Chitti even exists would be a milestone. These people are hard to impress.

On the way home there's a fire downtown. Doc orders Chitti to save people. Chitti saves a few but something unfortunate happens. He saves a girl who was naked in a bath tub without clothing her first. Now, call me crazy, but I think saving your life is more important than being caught naked in public but I dunno, it could be a cultural thing. The girl is so shocked at being naked, she runs away and gets smacked by a truck. Everyone is mad at Chitti for saving her goddamned life in such an insensitive manner. Geez. Anyway, the Doc decides that he's going to teach Chitti morals. He's gonna teach a robot morality. Wow.

Doc goes over some charts on human relationships, tells Chitti to memory scan psychology books and even installs some pheromone detecting hardware but it seems Chitti can't seem to understand. Now personally, I think that its impossible to teach a machine emotion. Emotions can't be broken down into a program. Life is much more complex than - a what the hell, Chitti gets struck by magical lightning. Problem solved.

Chitti learns to feel which is quite amazing. Chitti manages to save a baby too. Sana is so impressed by this, she kisses Chitti and you know where this is going. The villain even remarks, "The story is just beginning!"

The movie goes into intermission and that's all for now.