Yamada: The Samurai of Ayothaya

What a disappointment. I was expecting this film to be mindless action. The premise itself led me to believe that this would be a movie with balls-to-wall fighting with people getting elbowed in the skull but even this film failed at that.

But first let's get to the story. Normally a story this simple shouldn't be a problem. Japan was an ally in ancient Thailand. Yamada was assigned to investigate a mysterious group of people that's been causing all sorts of trouble. Coincidentally, this mysterious group are all dressed like stereotypical ninja. I wonder who they could be? Yamada discovers it's been his own people all along and is betrayed by the Japanese villain. Yamada is rescued and nursed back to health by the Ayothayans, specifically the King's royal guard. He discovers how magical their culture is, how awesome Ayothaya was, yadda yadda yadda. Then combining his samurai skills with his new Thai martial arts, kicks ass for justice. The End.

My problem with this film is not with the plot but the way it was told. Let me enumerate:

1. Alas Poor Villains

So the Ayothayans are at war with the "Hongsawadee" I think. Why? In the movie, no explanation is given for why they hate each others guts. All we're told is that they're bad and that they deseve to get stabbed in the face with huge knives. Why are they fighting? Is it a territorial dispute? Did one of them do something bad? Is it a religious war? I guess if you're Thai, the target audience, you wouldn't need an explanation since it's your history but for non-Thai, some explanation would be nice.

Also, the Hongsawadee are made to look like total chumps. The Hongsawadee are noticeably more savage in appearance compared to the noble Ayothayans. There's this scene where our heroes ambush a Hongsawadee raiding party by the river and it was just a massacre for the Hongsawadee. It was ten minutes of the Ayothayans kicking the Hongsawadee's asses so hard they were wearing them for hats! The Hongsawadee barely got a damned hit in. Our heroes were practically untouchable. I ended up feeling sorry for the poor villains/jobbers. Fights shouldn't be this one sided. I mean, we have to feel some suspense right?

2. Cultural "Wanking"

This has got to be my biggest problem. There's just to much cultural wanking going on around in this damned movie. What is cultural wanking you ask? Think of it this way. You know how old propaganda films insisted how awesome America/USSR was? You know how films with samurai in it always go to great lengths to show how awesome they were and how cool medieval Japan was? I call that cultural wanking. It's just mindnumbing posturing on how an ancient culture or even modern cultures are vastly superior, cool and totally badass.

You know, this movie is described as The Last Samurai meets Ong Bak. So for the story bit, let me talk for a moment about The Last Samurai and how cultural wanking was done there.

In The Last Samurai, a filthy, alcoholic, American white devil played by Tom Cruise is captured by the Japanese samurai he was supposed to help defeat for the modern Japanese government. While in captivity, the white man learns how perfect old Japan was. He learns how honorable and disciplined the Samurai were and ends up fighting for them in the end. God, I hated this movie. First of all, it may surprise you to learn that medieval Japan wasn't as idyllic as the movie would have you believe. Medieval Japan was a fucking hellhole with feudal states going at it in a whirlwind of blood and carnage. Newsflash! Samurai were assholes. There were noble ones sure, but on a whole, the civilian population were terrified when they came a-knockin'. Also, Samurai were pedophiles. Bet you don't remember Ken Watanabe raping a young apprentice in The Last Samurai, huh?

In The Samurai of Ayothaya, there's way too much wanking. Ayothaya is portrayed perfectly. The King's royal guard are all mohawked, invincible, shirtless ubermensch. Yamada almost instantly learns Thai martial arts and is respected. They all exchange remarks on how great their cultures are while cheesy inspirational music plays in the background. But the worst is yet to come when they return Yamada's katana to him. They remark how COMPLETELY OTHERWORLDY AWESOME the Katana is and how the blade can cut ANYTHING. Give me a fucking break. To drive home the wanking overload, a leaf falls on the katana's edge and is cut neatly in half. Barf.

That's it for now. Tomorrow, I'll write about how great the fight scenes were and how they totally blew it.