I've played the kickass game and now I'm NOT going to read the book! Instead, I'm going to review (the first episode at least) the TV series of The Witcher, which is apparently a big f-ing deal in Eastern Europe. This show has got it all: kidnapping, katanas, horseback riding, funky stock music, elf killing, wolves, torturing children, TRIPLE spider venom and more!
The intro features Geralt, pictured above, wading knee-deep into a swamp while funky stock music plays in the background. Suddenly, tentacles grab him and he's fighting for his life. For a moment, Geralt let the swamp monster actually believe it had a chance before ripping it a new asshole because he's Geralt, a Witcher. Witchers are badass monster slayers and they probably wade into swamps just for fun to see what hideous monster they'll step on.
But that was just an intro. Today's episode is "Chapter One: Childhood". By the way, I have only the lightest knowlege of The Witcher lore but I'll do my best to make sense of everything.
So little boy Geralt (obviously) is just minding his goddamn business practicing archery and hitting casual bullseyes when this old dude rides up to his house and starts eyeing him. So Geralt did what any child should do and ran inside to get his father. It is revealed that the old dude is a Witcher from Kaer Morhem and the father was once saved from a pack of gay werewolves by a Witcher named Tornwald. So the father owed his life to the Witcher and "swore that he would give the thing he will find when coming home", which was Geralt.
Now, like you, I was incredibly confused about what all of this meant so I actually did a bit o' research in a Witcher Wiki and found that the setup is called the "Law of Surprise - a custom as old as humanity itself, is the price a man who saves another can demand. It is a request for something which neither the saviour nor the saved knows the nature of, until the saved man returns home. Typically this ends up being a child born while the father was away and more often than not, a boy..." So there you have it. Tornwald saved the father's sorry ass so in gratitude, the father swore to give the Witchers his only son WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING he was giving the Witchers his only son. Wow, that sucks.
The mother, of course, wanted none of it and tried reasoning with the old dude. Daddy, in a fit of stupidity, even tries to get the jump on a freaking Witcher and ends up getting a knife up to his throat, ready to spill his blood all over porch. Add that to the list of stupid things the father has done. He's a Witcher you dumbass, he means business!
Surprisingly, Geralt seems pretty chill for a child being kidnapped and agrees to go along with the dude in exchange for him not slitting his dad like a pig. The mother then utters some kind of curse that Geralt can never be a Witcher so long as she is by his side. Geralt's mom is a sorceress or something. I don't know what that means but I'm sure it's important. I'll be damned if I do research to see what she meant. Geralt rides with the dude and even cracks jokes on the way. Children are so innocent aren't they?
So just like that, Geralt is off to Witcher school and I'll continue this hour-long episode tomorrow.
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