The Witcher TV Series (Part 02)

So Geralt is taken to Witcher school to become a killing machine whose gonna fight monsters until the day he dies. It's awesome and depressing. Geralt is given robes and shit and is lumped up with other children to learn sword fighting, horseback riding and monster slaying. The elders sneak into his bedroom while he's sleeping and ask the old dude for his thoughts on their young prospect. Now, the weird pedophile vibes of sneaking into a child's bedroom aside, the old dude remarks that Geralt is unusually brave in that Geralt managed not to shit himself in fear during the trip to Kaer Morhen.

Ah, yes. The mother cursed Geralt to fail at becoming a Witcher. At this point, I began wondering. If your child was gonna be dragged off to become a Witcher and that's the way it has to be, why would you curse your own child to fail? I mean, why not wish him to succeed? It's not like you're given a Witcher board exam and failing it, you can have another go next year. The price of failure is pretty much death; die or become a Witcher. We learn that this is because Witchers undergo a "changing process" and are exposed to chemicals and poisons to build up their resistances and mutate them into super soldiers. The mother was stupid.

A Witcher council of sorts convenes and we learn that the Witchers have fallen on hard times. Some Witchers end up going rogue and have to be put down. Many witchers die in the line of duty. Worse, they're losing them faster than they can replace since four out of five boys die in the changing process. Speaking of which...

Geralt, as you can see above, is put through the process. They chain him on top of a stone slab and put burning God-knows-what on his skin while he's screaming in pain. It's hard to watch this show and not get creepy pedo-vibes. I mean, a bunch of old men kidnapping boys and taking them into their caves, chaining them on stone slabs and experimenting on their bodies? Anyway, Geralt proves to be a tougher than most and they decide to crank up the torture. Meanwhile, Geralt gets a vision of his mom encouraging him to fight on.

It's good that Geralt's mom is helping him survive but I thought his mom wanted him to fail? If she wanted him to not become a Witcher, his mom should be telling him to succumb to the pain and die like a chump. But Geralt is too badass for that as we all know.

The elder talks with the chief man in charge of the process and expresses his frustrations. Apparently, the Witchers are divided into two groups: the priests and the actual Witchers (footsoldiers basically). The elder thinks that Witchers should be more than just killing machines that either fight or die. A Witcher should also be honorable, like a knight, and "coexist with humans", whatever the hell he meant by that. I know Witchers are some kind of mutant that people don't even consider as humans. The bottom line is that Geralt is some sort of prototype Witcher they're making that's better than everyone. That's all. Maybe ordinary Witchers don't have social skills or something.


Meanwhile, there's a scene with two guys who look like Witchers and they're riding up the hill with a carriage full of supplies. A bunch of cowards with bows start firing on them from the woods. A sane man would try to escape such a hopeless situation but not our Witchers. Earlier, we are told that Witchers see bows and crossbows as "dishonorable" and stick to swords. Crossbows? I can understand the dishonorable argument against crossbows since there's some truth to it in history but bows too? Whatever. So despite being outnumbered and facing foes with ranged weaponry firing from superior, elevated and covered positions, the Witchers charge into the woods and sheath their swords into the enemy's bowels despite taking a million arrows on the way. No wonder Witchers have a population problem. Stupid? Yes. Awesome? Definitely.

Now that the "pain phase" is done, they put Geralt into the "poison phase". It involves flooding his body with toxins and infections. Eww. Geralt becomes lethargic so the head medicine guy calls for TRIPLE SPIDER VENOM. Gwidon, the head of the warrior class of Witchers (I think), comes in to check. You know, I'm beginning to suspect that these guys don't really know what they're doing and are just putting whatever nasty stuff they can find like bleach or something, into Geralt to see what happens. Maybe they really did put bleach because Geralt's hair is now snow white. His pupils also change to that of a cat. During the test, Geralt called for his mother which for Gwidon, was completely unacceptable behavior for a child close to death to do. Then...

PEDO VIBES

Later that evening, Gwidon bitches to the head priest about Geralt calling for his mom. Gwidon demands the "test of dreams" to be performed. He and the priest also bicker about the sorry state of affairs of Witchers in general and there's friction between the two. Gwidon wants to do some shit against the code or whatever. Honestly, I don't understand. All I know is that Gwidon's a prick who wants to do stuff his way.

The next morning the heavily wounded sole survivor of the ambush arrives. He explains that they were ambushed by hungry Elves who wanted their food. Despite bleeding heavily and struggling to even stand, Gwidon wastes no time in accusing the survivor of cowardice by "fleeing" the ambush. It's like death is the only option for these people. The survivor answers his accusations by unloading a sack containing the heads of the Elves that attacked the caravan. This impresses everyone which is too bad because the survivor dies on the spot after that. Maybe instead of accusing him of cowardice, they should have helped him stop the bleeding or something. Just saying.


In the test of dreams, the druid reveals that Geralt's mind is full of images of a woman and that this could mean that Geralt might be into women when he grows up. No shit. Have you played The Witcher 2? There was a four minute sex scene in it. So yeah. Geralt might be into chicks but thank God, right? I mean, Geralt had a bunch of bad things done to him by a bunch of old guys in a cave, being attracted to women is a good outcome. The druid doesn't think much of it and this sort of pleases Gwidon.

Later, Gwidon wants to take revenge against the Elves. The elder priest doesn't allow it because the Elves only did it out of desperation. Everyone is starving. Besides, it was only done by a small band of rogue Elves and they shouldn't antagonize the people of the old blood. Gwidon get's a little pissed. Gwidon demands Geralt take the "test of the mountains". Wow, Gwidon likes to take his anger out on Geralt doesn't he? The test involves sending Geralt into the "wastes" to survive for a week. Yeah, just send an emaciated child into the frozen wasteland where a hundred things could kill him in his sleep. Being a Witcher ain't easy. The elder tells the old dude to see Geralt off and give him some survival tips.

The old dude gives Geralt some practical advice on what drugs... I mean, what weed... herbs to smoke/chew if he gets hypothermia or frostbite etcetera. None of that pussy Man vs. Wild bullshit here, just ancient Witcher knowlege. Not that Geralt needs it. Geralt immediately, almost magically, carves himself a bow and manages to catch fish for himself. This must be easy mode for him.

Will Geralt survive the test of the mountains? (Spoiler: Yes) Will Gwidon do something stupid?

More to come.