Working Out Is Pretty Gay

I work out in a gym and as much as I try to lose weight, it's been pretty hard since there always seems to be chocolate in the fridge just when you think the last batch is gone. Anyway, working out is pretty gay.

One time, I was on a treadmill and what was showing on the TV in front of me? Twilight. Not the first one mind you, but the other one with the werewolves. That movie was the gayest thing ever. You had this Jacob fellow all ripped and tan, followed by his werewolf posse who are all also ripped and tan. They don't wear shirts ever. Even if the setting is a cold and rainy place, they don't wear shirts. They're bare-chested all the time. It was so homoerotic that thinking manly thoughts like spearfishing and alligator wrestling couldn't dull the pain.

The other guys on the machines next to me were all squirming, looking at the roof and shit, pretending not to watch. Oh yes, we tried to watch the other TV screens of CNN where some shit was happening somewhere we don't care about or the sports channel where table tennis athletes were playing with their little balls but it was no use. It was a combination of morbid curiosity and trickery. "Hey, that was kinda cool. He turned into a wolf and- aww no, it's naked men again! I've been duped!"

And that wasn't the end of it. While I was on the strength machines pretending that what I was lifting was heavy, Justin Beiber started playing on the speakers. Whoever chose the playlist for the gym deserves to be sued. Yes, sued. He should be sued because playing Justin Beiber while a man is lifting weights causes him to actually lose vital manly strength and risk injuring or even killing himself.

After the workout/torture session, I went to the locker room to get my stuff. So there I was, minding my own business when suddenly, this foreigner comes in with his dick flapping about in the wind. I looked away so quickly, my eyeballs spun to the back of my head. I know foreigners have a different sense of privacy in locker rooms but I had a conservative Christian upbringing Goddamn it. And how gross is the thought that the bench you're sitting on could have been the one some bare-assed fat American left a stain on.

They want me to lose weight by vomiting in disgust?