Why I Don't Like John Cena

I mentioned this in passing in my Wrestlemania preview but here it is. Allow me to explain why I don't like John Cena and want him off my TV and monitor as much as possible.

But first things first. I'm referring to John Cena as a character and on-screen personality. I don't know John Cena as a person and don't pretend to know what goes on backstage or the politics behind everything.

Secondly, if you like John Cena and are a fan of his, then good for you. Don't let me stop you. I understand that stuff like this is subjective. No performer has absolute, one hundred percent crowd approval. I'm not insulting John Cena fans for liking him either. Whatever floats your boat, man.

I've decided to use the match Cena had against Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania to explain my point. The whole thing, from the build-up to the match, neatly illustrates everything I dislike about the character.

Bray Wyatt, as regular viewers know, has a cult leader gimmick. He's supposed to be a creepy and dangerous monster. John Cena is... Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure what John Cena's gimmick is supposed to be. He's a generic good guy and I'm not writing that to be funny. John Cena is quite flat as a personality. He talks about showing up for work, working hard and caring about the business but you could say the same for many other wrestlers who work just as hard but don't brag about it. Cena can't be the only one who works hard or cares; those are good virtues but are not that special.

He does Make-A-Wish charity and supports the troops but I think it doesn't make sense to use these things to get me to like Cena, as a performer. Wrestling exists in its own universe. While wrestling has been getting "real" lately, there is a level of make-believe to it. Of course, the Undertaker isn't really a zombie. Of course, Kane doesn't really have the power to conjure fire with his mind. So John Cena, the performer, can't be John Cena the person and to combine the two cheapens his charitable acts as a selfish ploy to get us to want to see him. Let me put it this way, the charity a Hollywood actor does doesn't make him any better as an actor. We can admire the generosity of someone like Oprah Winfrey and still think she was terrible in The Butler. So while I respect John Cena personally going out of his way to make sick kids' dreams come true, that doesn't mean I have to automatically clap and cheer his performance as a character. The two things are unrelated.

I also don't think John Cena is funny when he tries to hard to be The Rock. But humor is subjective so I'll leave it at that. If you think he's funny, fine.

When it comes to wrestling ability, I wouldn't go so far as to say John Cena can't wrestle. I know he, at least, knows the basics of wrestling such as how to do suplexes and how to fall on your back without popping an eyeball. But can he wrestle well? Maybe. What bugs me the most is how repetitive his matches have become. When you've seen just one Cena match, you've pretty much seen them all. He usually gets beaten up in the majority of his matches. He tries to pull out a few moves to silence the critics, like an awkward huricanrana, a leg drop from the top ropes or maybe even a monkey flip if he's feeling adventurous. However, he settles into the routine by doinga few shoulder blocks, a spinning side slam, the "five knuckle shuffle", the "attitude adjustment" and/or the STF submission. The "five moves of doom" as the Internet calls it. To be fair, it's not always five and lots of wrestlers have routines. That still doesn't mean it isn't boring to watch every time though.

Another issue I have is Cena's "selling". To "sell", in Wrestling, means to act as if what's happening to you is real or serious. When a wrestler throws a fake punch, the receiver "sells" by acting as if it really hurt. With Cena, he doesn't do a good job at selling. Never mind having the crap beaten out of you 90% of the time then miraculously overcoming the odds and annihilating your opponent in the remaining 10%. What I mean is that after the match, Cena doesn't appear to have been affected by the beating he took. The most egregious example of this was during the match Cena had against Brock Lesnar in 2012 at Extreme Rules. It was a sight to behold. Brock gave Cena such a horrendous beating that it almost made me uncomfortable. Good stuff. Of course, despite receiving 90% of the offense from Brock, Cena won anyway with his 10%. Whatever. What really bugged me about it was that after the match, Cena took the microphone and spoke to the crowd despite receiving the beating of his life. He should have been taken out on a stretcher or something. Anyway, he told the crowd he was hurt and hinted he was so hurt that he could be gone for a while. He appeared the next night with his arm in a sling (and in his wrestling gear, oddly) but don't worry, Cena took care to mention nothing was broken and that his muscles were merely strained. I guess we should be grateful because that's the most selling we're gonna get.

Anyway, about the Wrestlemania match...

The build up to the match actually began in Elimination Chamber, where Wyatt cost Cena his match for no reason, but of course, it would all be explained. Anyway, the feud was that Wyatt thought John Cena was a fake and wanted to expose him as a phony. John Cena responded by calling Bray Wyatt a homeless person with a Hawaiian shirt and fedora. Realizing that mocking the gimmick per se, was not a good idea, Cena went before the crowd the next week and said he was "scared" of Bray Wyatt. So he went from laughing off Wyatt to suddenly being scared of him because he said so. Anyway, to up the stakes to Wrestlemania levels, the match suddenly became all about Cena's "legacy". Bray Wyatt was out to tarnish Cena's legacy. OK. At least we got some awesome vignettes featuring Eminem.

During the match at Wrestlemania, Cena started to go over to the dark side. He made strange faces and I thought he was constipated but I realized it was just bad acting. The moral dilemma arrived. Bray knelt before Cena and dared him to strike him with a steel chair. The psychology of the match dictated that if Cena were to hit Bray with the chair, then he goes over to the dark side.

There are two scenarios that would have made sense:

The first scenario is that Cena strikes Bray with the chair. Cena not only loses via disqualification, but also loses in a moral sense as he proves Bray correct. This is an unlikely scenario but I would have preferred it as it would make Cena's character more interesting as he comes to terms with his act.

This second scenario would have made the most sense. Cena refuses to resort to using the weapon which allows Bray to take advantage and beat John Cena himself. Bray wins in a technical sense but Cena wins a moral victory. Bray gets the right to claim he beat Cena at Wrestlemania  yet Cena stays true to his principles. Everybody wins... sort of.

But nope. What happened was that Cena didn't use the chair on Bray and simply beat him the normal way. Cena won both a technical and moral victory and Bray was less of the monster he used to be as he was beaten physically and mentally.

This is my biggest problem with Cena. It's not his wrestling ability or the way he talks but the fact that nothing ever changes with this guy. He won the match and he's still the same John Cena as he was before. Nothing changed. The reason why people cheer Daniel Bryan is because he really was a talented underdog that people wanted to see succeed. Daniel Bryan won; in other words he "changed". To put it in other terms, Daniel Bryan's character arc concluded. With Cena there's no arc. Cena is the nice guy who won because he's a nice guy and now he gets to keep being a nice guy. Nothing changes. He's still the same as he was for the last eight years. You can't have an underdog story with a guy who's done it all and has been at the top for so long. It doesn't help that this whole feud was already done before! Remember Kane's "embrace the hate" feud with Cena? Same thing. Nothing changes.

To put it simply: John Cena is stale and uninteresting.

That's why I don't like him. He doesn't change. Nothing affects him. If nothing affects a character at all, then how is he relatable? Why should we care when nothing is at stake because nothing changes?

Oh, and don't think I'm one of those guys calling for a "heel turn". Cena doesn't necessarily have to turn into a bad guy. Just make him interesting. Is that too much to ask? Would even the second scenario be that bad? Just make him look vulnerable for at least one second then maybe, I'd relate to him. Think about it; if Cena had lost because he stuck to his principles then that's something sympathetic right there. How many people can relate to suffering because you decided to stay true to yourself and stick to your beliefs? See what I mean? It's way better than, "I win all the time".

Lately, Cena has been cutting promos about being the gatekeeper of the WWE of sorts. He remarks how all the up and coming talents have to go through him. While it's a little arrogant, at least it opens a new dimension for him. But it does have the unfortunate implication that if you can't beat Cena, then you're not ready, brother!

This is all I'll ever write about John Cena. I'm afraid I already exposed myself as a guy who thinks of wrestling (which is fake and gay amirite?) a bit too much. But I just needed to get this off my chest. People who dislike Cena aren't all "haters". Hate is a strong word. I just don't like him. Some of the criticism is fair, don't you think?

I don't "hate" the guy but I just think he fucking sucks.

Time For Some Pro Wrestling Related MADtv

Wrestlemania XXX: Thoughts and Predictions

It's Wrestlemania time, Brotherdudejack!

Though I don't write about it often, I'm a fan of pro wrestling. I watch mostly WWE stuff unfortunately. I'd like to get into Japanese pro wrestling if I can but I digress. It's almost the big one, people! This Sunday is Wrestlemania XXX, celebrating thirty years of wholesome, simulated violence! Here's a run-down of the card and my personal thoughts and predictions. 

Tag Team Championships

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. Real Americans vs. "Rybaxel"(?)

It's a shame that this Fatal Four-way Match for the Tag Team Championship is on the pre-show. I like tag team matches but I don't like how the WWE's philosophy seems to be either to put random strangers into a team because they have nothing else to do, or to  split up teams as soon as the faint possibility exists of making one of them a solo star. Just some time ago, they broke up the Prime Time Players all of a sudden for no reason and nothing good came of it.

I think the The Usos are going to win simply because they've been working real hard for  the past year and I just can't see the other teams winning the straps. Los Matadores are a joke. "Rybaxel", the team of Ryback and Curtis Axel, have no momentum whatsoever. There's nothing about them that screams, "We have a chance!".

The Real Americans, Jack Swagger and Cesaro, would have had the best chance of winning were it not for the signs that the company is going to push Cesaro as a solo performer. I like Cesaro. Cesaro is ridiculously strong and very skilled in the ring. He makes his partner, Jack Swagger, look like an uncoordinated jackass in comparison. Why force it? If they're gonna break Cesaro out soon, why win the titles?

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Speaking of giving people something to do...

I like how this is a tribute to Andre the Giant and that the winner gets his own Andre the Giant bronze statue or something. The name of this event has that grandiose charm to it. I wish they would have plugged this more though, to make it seem even more important.

So who's gonna win? There are five potential winners based on who appeared in the shows leading up to this: Alberto Del Rio, Christian, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler and The Big Show. The rest have NO CHANCE! THAT'S WHAT THEY GOT....

I want Christian to win because I'm a fan. But let's get real here, they're not gonna give Christian this. Alberto Del Rio's contract is almost up so they're not gonna give a win to a guy who's on his way out. Dolph Ziggler isn't gonna win because the WWE really loves shitting on Dolph Ziggler fans. Sheamus? Maybe.

The cynic in me says that The Big Show is gonna win simply because he's a "giant" himself like Andre. I can't stand The Big Show. His booking is all over the place. One week he's a tough guy but in the next week, he's a crybaby. He's a badass in one episode and then comes out wearing a diaper in the next. For God's sake, please don't let him win.

Vickie Guerrero's Divas Championship Invitationals

If the WWE doesn't care about their female division, I'm not going to care either.

 The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

You've done it now...

Normally, I would be hyped for the annual "Will the streak be broken?" Undertaker match but they really screwed up the build for this one.

Look, the Undertaker's undefeated streak in Wrestlemania is larger-than-life now. Every intelligent Jew fan in the world knows that Brock Lesnar doesn't deserve to win and will not win this Sunday. The fun though, lies in the story being told. We need to believe that Brock Lesnar has a chance to beat Undertaker and end the streak once and for all.

The Undertaker is old. Every man has his limits. You look at the Undertaker and you see a man who has beaten himself up for decades and has sacrificed his flesh, blood and bones for the business. And then you look at Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar the "Next Big Thing". Brock Lesnar the former MMA Champion. Brock "Here Comes the Pain" Lesnar the BEAST INCARNATE. Brock Lesnar who's younger, faster and in way better physical shape than the Undertaker.

The Undertaker should have looked vulnerable for once. That would have been compelling. Instead, we were given the usual druids and coffins and "mind games" bullcrap. Lesnar looked "scared" and weak. I dunno. I know that's the standard Undertaker build up but I just thought that making Brock dominant would have been way better. Have Brock beat up the druids and destroy the casket. Have him look like a super serious threat to the streak. It would make Undertaker look more like the legend he is when he transcends even his own physical limitations to earn a hard fought victory. Then he would truly be the "Phenom".

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

(My Preferred Outcome)

 Let's just get this out of the way here. I don't like Cena and when I say that, I mean John Cena as a character. I hate the John Cena character. I think he's stale, boring and not that good. I don't think he deserves to be the face of the company but this really deserves its own column. Let's talk about this match.

When you look at the roster now, you'd come to the realization that Bray Wyatt is the only true "monster" left in the WWE. Kane has gone "Corporate Kane" and The Undertaker is untouchable in his own universe. Bray Wyatt is the only truly menacing character left and he's the future, man.

A win here would solidify his character as a major threat and that's very important for the sole monster of the roster. A loss here would be a major blow to his credibility. After all, he already got outsmarted by Daniel Bryan in their feud last year. A loss here, despite all the great promos and mind games against John Cena, would make Bray look like a fool who can't get the job done.

Cena on the other hand, doesn't need a win. If Cena wins, then what? What more does he have left to prove? The man has done it all. In the big picture, a victory here doesn't really mean much in his list of accomplishments. It's not like there's a title on the line. The smart decision would be to lose and help Bray establish himself as the top heel.

But since this is the WWE and John Cena we're talking about here, my prediction is that Bray Wyatt loses and becomes a comedy jobber having meaningless matches against Fandango and Kofi Kingston for the rest of the year.

The Shield vs. The New Age Outlaws and Kane

Dean Face

The Shield are gonna win and you better believe that. They're too awesome an act to job to these geezers.

Still, I have my doubts if feuding with NAO and Kane will be fun. Can the Shield work a good match with them? I know Kane can pull off some cool stuff but... yeah.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H 

 Batista vs Randy Orton vs. (Daniel Bryan or Triple H)

Two interconnected matches and two different scenarios here.

Dream Scenario A: Daniel Bryan finally defeats Triple H, symbolizing the victory of the fans over the oppressive "authority" but not before sustaining a tremendous beating. He then limps into the triple threat match and defeats Batista and Randy Orton after an epic struggle. He wins the belts to thunderous applause and the entire arena chants in unison, "YES!", "YES!", "YES!"

Nightmare Scenario B: Triple H stomps Daniel Bryan in eight seconds then orders Batista and Randy Orton to man up, take their pedigrees and lay down their lives for the business. Triple HHH pins them both, wins the Championship and proceeds to literally fling his own feces at the audience while laughing maniacally.

I'm going with Scenario A because I really believe the crowd will actually riot if Daniel Bryan doesn't win and despite everything, I'm sure the WWE, at least, care about their own LIVES enough to avoid that.

Conclusion

I think this Wrestlemania is gonna be average. I'm really not feeling it but I gotta be optimistic.

It's gonna suck, isn't it?

Cool

Oh my God...

When is Pro Wrestling gonna be cool again?

A Sudden Realization

I just realized that I still watch wrestling. Why? Hell if I know. I'm sick of John Cena (for the past 8 or so years). The WWE don't put on as much good wrestling as they used to. Plus, the WWE has this wierd obsession with social media and always go on and on about "twitter" and "tout". What garbage.

There's still some bits worth watching. "The Shield" are pretty entertaining and are good wrestlers. I'm trying my best not to feel actual shame for watching but the WWE is sure making things difficult, especially when they put on shit like this:

No wonder nobody admits they watch wrestling in public.

The Ryback's Promo

On the episode of WWE Raw last Monday, the wrestler called Ryback cut a promo against John Cena. I thought I'd give my two cents on it.

 

First off, the promo was prerecorded and edited. Ryback probably had a script beforehand which I hope he prepared himself. It was probably done in segments and multiple takes. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. In fact, it's pretty smart to do this as it is less risky than doing it live and slipping up. It's a way of protecting Ryback who I believe is not as good at cutting promos naturally in front of an audience.

As for the stuff he says, he kind of has a point. Whether you agree with him or not, it's not important. What matters is that he has some kind of motivation and he explains it lengthily. I'm sick and tired of heels in wrestling acting evil just because (herp) they're evil. The promo served it's purpose of making Ryback interesting and giving him some kind of reason why he's doing what he's doing. I liked it. It had an old school vibe to it.

It's just a shame that the WWE ruined it by having Cena shit all over it in their confrontation afterwards. Cena even tried to heap the "Boring!" chants HE was getting on Ryback. Man, I hate John Cena. To top it all off, they had Ryback back off when Cena challenged him. What the hell? The man has been booked as an unstopable force of nature for weeks and NOW he pussies out when going up against Cena who he manhandled the week before? Please.

John Cena should go fuck himself.

WWE Over The Limit 2011

I spent yesterday watching the WWE's PPV "Over The Limit" and I gotta say, my life ain't exactly peaking in fun and excitement. Anyway, I'm just gonna write about it. This could get foul mainly because a lot of stupid shit went down, even more than the usual.

The show begins with a somber in memoriam to the late Randy "Macho Man" Savage who passed away recently. Its a damn shame really.

R-Truth vs Rey Mysterio

R-Truth comes out without any music. Thank God. I was getting tired of him yelling "What's up!?" a billion times. Seriously, his song has "Whats up!?" as its only lyrics. I like how he rambles on and on and gets a good reaction from the crowd. I like R-Truth as a heel way better than when he was a face. Nobody liked him as a face anyway especially folks from Milwaukee. This match was supposed to be against John Morrison but he needed surgery so they settled on Rey as the sacrifice to advance his character forward. I guess he was all they had on such "short" notice? D'oh hoho! Whatever. Its not like there's anything better for Rey to do anyway.

It was an OK opening match. I noticed R-Truth is using less flashy moves. Good. Truth escapes the 619 and manages to get the smaketh down on Rey. Eventually, he...what the? He won fair and square? Oh boy, that was unexpected. It looks like they're really serious about building him up. After the match, Truth hits Rey with a water bottle just to show how much of an asshole he is.

Ezekiel Jackson vs Wade Barrett (IC Championship)

Ezekiel Jackson, or "Old Spice Guy" as I like to call him, used to be in The Corre with Wade until he realized how shitty their group's name and t-shirt were. Wade still has the other two guys on his side though (for now). So its Old Spice versus the Three Stooges. Oh well, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that good either. Ezekiel just seems to pound on Wade to display his "DOMINATION". Wade doesn't do anything fancy. I think one guy yelled "Boring!" at some point. Matches with two big men or "powerhouses" tend to coma inducing. At least it was helping my insomnia.

Zeke loses, I mean, wins by disqualification when the rest of the stooges pull shenanigans, which means although he won, Wade still gets to keep the strap. Retarded I know, but hey, that's how it always has been.

Sin Cara vs Chavo Guerrero

Its weird how the lights in the arena were dim and continued to use the blue and gold scheme from Sin Cara's entrance while the match went on. I thought this match was very good. Sin Cara used a lot of dazzling moves. The crowd was dead silent. I guess they were just in awe or maybe waiting for Sin Cara to screw up and crash and burn. Chavo is experienced and can keep up with Sin Cara. Plus, they both speak Spanish, which helps in choreographing moves. Its easy to forget that Chavo is a talented wrestler what, with all the bullshit the WWE has forced on him in the past like losing to leprechauns for example. It was spot after spot after spot. Not much rhyme or reason. It was an exhibition really. At least its actual wrestling. God knows, there's been a lack of that for a while now. Sin Cara wins although I think , he botched the ending. Either that or the camera guy sucked.

CM Punk & Mason Ryan vs Kane & Big Show (Tag Team Championship)

Great. Kane and The Big Show, two of the slowest guys on the roster against The Nexus, which hasn't done anything significant except the entire stable jobbing to Orton. It sucked. The shocking thing was that Punk and Ryan lost. Why? Can't they give CM Punk a fucking break? Oh, I forgot, talent and skill don't matter anymore. As for Ryan, why bother hinting at a push if you're gonna make him lose miserably? Also, is it just me or does Mason Ryan look more and more like Batista every time? Its disturbing. Maybe Ryan should call himself Batistwo or something and play a character that's a parody of the "unstoppable powerhouse" type. Nah, that would be too good.

Kelly Kelly vs Brie Bella (Diva's Championship)

Boring. True story, I went downstairs to get a drink and when I came back, the match was a about over. The only notable thing in this match is what didn't happen. Kharma, the newest addition to the women's division, didn't show up. For those who don't know, Kharma is a big, scary, black woman who tears the heads off dolls and stomps on people in the ring. She used to be known as Awesome Kong in TNA back when its Knockouts Division were way ahead of the WWE's Diva division. I looked over some of her matches and her feud with Gail Kim and the woman can wrestle! Why didn't she show up? Damnit. See? I ended up writing more about Kharma than the damn match.

Christian vs Randy Orton

I'm just gonna set this straight; I hate Randy Orton. I find his character boring and stupid. I hate that he's a face now when his character is much better suited playing a power hungry asshole heel. But no, he's gotta be the face. After winning his very first championship in more than a decade-long career at the last PPV, Christian would job to Orton and lose it to him only two days later in a regular show. Goddamnit.

Despite Randull Snoreton in the picture, the match was very good. I mean really, it had actual wrestling in it! It was a good solid back and forth match with suspense. The crowd was apeshit. It seemed half were for Orton and the other for Christian. Its a match worth seeing again. It was that good in spite of that awkward bit where Randull did a weird reverse Boston crab hold. I think he botched it. Sadly, the inevitable had to happen. Christian takes the fall and Orton retains. Bullshit.

Although the match was superb, the ending ruined it. After a grueling match, Christian and Randull approach each other and brohug like best friends. WHAT THE FUCK!?

I have a problem with this for four reasons: Firstly, Randy Orton, "The Apex Predator", is supposed to be an asshole who DOESN'T hug people. Hell, he hugged Cena last year too and looked like a pussy doing so. Where's anti-hero Orton? Secondly, Christian has no reason to be pals with Orton. I don't think they've had a history of being friends and Orton is the asshole who took Christian's championship, the same championship that Edge, Christian's best friend in-ring and in REAL LIFE, helped him get remember? Why are they pals? Thirdly, it was a perfect set up to make Christian a heel. Heel Christian would be like the best thing ever. Lastly, it was just gay.

Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole (Kiss My Foot Match)

More like kiss my ass. This tedious, piece of shit angle should have ended in Wrestlemania but instead its still here like an infected wound. I hate this angle so much, I actually levelled up Archaeology in World of Warcraft instead. FUCKING ARCHAEOLOGY. That's how bad it was. I hope this angle ends, here in "Over The Limit of My Patience 2011". Bret Hart showed up or something. Whatever. I'm tired. To top it all off, instead of Zin'Rokh, Destroyer of Worlds as my next rare piece, I got haunted war drums instead. I wanted to jump down the staircase headfirst at that point.

John Cena vs The Miz (I Quit Match)

I was asleep already when this match came up. I have no interest in either men. Besides, its a foregone conclusion. I don't even need the internet to know how this will go.

Remember how old comic books would scream "SUPERMAN DIES!" or some shit and the kids (which are majority of Cena's fans) would be like, "No way! Superman can't be dead!" and buy the crap while we adults would know there's no way in hell DC would kill off a character worth millions in merchandise alone. So it is with John Cena. John Cena saying "I quit" is like North Korea turning into a Capitalist, Democratic utopia with free Coca Cola and pecan pie.

I'm out.

Nada

I got nothing.

I have nothing to look forward to. I guess I'll just watch wrestling.

I hope it doesn't suck too badly.

Wrestlemania 27: The Fallout

I got to see Wrestlemania last Monday. Here's a run down on what happened. What is the worst Wrestlemania ever? I don't know but what I do know is that it kinda sucked and I pity the silly Americans and their Pay-per-views when I can watch it for free.

U.S. Championship: Sheamus v Daniel Bryan
Hahaha! What? The U.S. Championship was turned into a dark match that ended with no winner? What? It descended to a messy lumberjack match or some kind of "Royal Rumble" thing? What? The Great Khali won? WHAT? The one match that was actually promising was turned into shit? What? How do I know? The Internet is whining about it being ruined to this day. Fuck you, WWE.

World Heavyweight Championship: Edge v Alberto Del Rio Unfortunately I didn't catch this match so I can't comment if it was any good but what I do know is that Edge retained. It's peculiar that they first televised match would be the WWE Championship match. It's usually towards the big events later.

Cody Rhodes v Rey Mysterio
Cody came out with his plastic face mask and crappy dark remix of his entrance theme. You know, the plot of the feud is that Cody's face was damaged by Rey and now Cody thinks he's an ugly freak. I can't understand why they'd let Cody wear a plastic face mask that's transparent so that we can see that there's absolutely no damage whatsoever. Also, wouldn't his mask be a foreign object and thus, be illegal? Rey comes out in Captain America themed gear. What is it with Rey dressing up as comic book characters? He had a Joker theme once which I thought was pretty cool in a weird way. Rey appears to be wearing a leg brace so I guess it evens out Cody's mask so its fair? Also, despite wearing a leg brace, Rey shows no signs that his leg is in any bad shape. He's running around doing flips and shit. Ugh. Whatever. OK match. Cody managed to use Rey's leg brace to hit Rey while the Referee was distracted by something shiny all the way over the other side of the ring . Cody hits his finisher for the win.

(Backstage Crap with Snoop Dogg I Don't Care About)

The Corre v Face Team
What a terrible match. So The Corre show up with their shitty t-shirts and then the good guys show up. The match begins and almost immediately, hijinks happen with people falling out of the ring and whatever. Long story short, the good guys win in what appeared to be a two-minute match. Hell, their entrances seemed longer. Half of The Corre, namely Wade and Ezekiel, were totally inconsequential and did nothing at all. The other half, who are also the freaking Tag-Team Champions in case you forgot, didn't even get five seconds of offense in. It was a goddamn burial. Jesus, The Corre doesn't deserve this and I don't think a squash match belongs in a big even like Wrestlemania.

CM Punk v Randy Orton
Great match with a shitty ending. Punk and Randy go at it for a while. At first it's a back and forth match but Punk gets the upper hand. Punk targets Randy's "injured" leg and pounds on it mercilessly. He stomps it and puts holds on it while Randy sells the pain convincingly. At one point, Randy attempts to do a running "patented punt" (Fuck you too, Michael Cole) but his leg gives way and he falls over. What a dumbass. Punk even manages to do a standing Figure-Four Leg lock on the turnbuckles which was awesome. Yet despite all the impressive offense and Randy's theatrics of pain, Randy inexplicably jumps up and pulls an RKO finishing move out of nowhere on a suddenly reckless Punk, who was cold and methodical before, and throws all the psychology of the match out the window. Why even target the damn leg all throughout the match when in the end, it didn't even matter? Gah.

Michael Cole v Jerry Lawler
Shit. Just take my word for it.

The Undertaker v Triple H
Best match of the whole damn show but is it enough to save Wrestlemania? You watch it and decide because I won't spoil it. What impressed me is that The Undertaker, despite his height, weight and age, still managed to clear the ropes for a Suicide Dive like it was nothing. I actually believed, for a second, that Triple H just might beat The Undertaker but alas, The Undertaker finally beat Triple H in Wrestlemania, despite having fought him already before a few years back but WWE hopes you won't remember that. By the way, Triple H's entrance was the coolest ever.

Snooki, John Morrison and Trish Stratus v LayCool and Dolph Ziggler
I guess I haven't seen this match too because I went downstairs to grab a quick snack and when I came back, it was over. Snooki was booed but she managed to pull a double back flip something which surprised me. The winner? Face team.

WWE Championship: The Miz v John Cena
The match begins with an impressive video package for The Miz. The video's message was pretty much "I'm the Champion and if you don't like it, go sleep on the train tracks." Cena's entrance had a freaking black gospel choir with a prayer session or something making it impossible to boo at least, until Cena finally comes out and then the boos start. The match was OK I guess. The Miz can wrestle but he just didn't bring style in my opinion. Cena sucked. The match ended in a double DQ but The Rock appears and restarts the match. He also hits Cena with a Rock Bottom. The Miz pins for the win. Cena lost. Cena lost and I smiled.

Wasn't that great.

Wrestlemania 27

Classes are over for now and I was just thinking, "What big things are gonna happen soon?" Of course! Wrestlemania 27! For those of you who live under a rock or oppressive dictator, Wrestlemania is only the biggest event in the WWE and arguably all of professional wrestling. This year, like the years before it, is promised to be the like the bestest evar. I've been watching the WWE shows leading up to Wrestlemania and there's a lot of hype definitely. I'd like to offer my thoughts on each match that's in store.

WWE Championship: The Miz vs John Cena

To be perfectly honest, I don't give a crap about The Miz. However, if you've read a previous post of mine, you'd know that I absolutely loathe John Cena so I'm praying to several gods that he'd lose. I am aware that a Cena victory is pretty likely as he, regrettably, really is the face of the WWE with an army of small children behind him who buy merchandise. The only reason I'm holding out is that The Rock is involved in this feud. Also, The Miz' butt buddy, Alex Riley is probably gonna be running around and doing stuff. Maybe something interesting will happen. Maybe not. But if Cena wins, I'm gonna run out to the street and punch a lamppost until I'm arrested.

World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs Alberto Del Rio

I think Edge will win. I don't think ADR is ready to be champion just yet. I have a gut feeling or maybe its just indigestion.

U.S. Championship: Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan

This match has a lot of potential. I've seen some of Daniel Bryan's matches on the tube and he's pretty impressive. I'm a fan of Sheamus by the way. I think he's hilarious and gingers are too marginalized and underrepresented in television and sports. Daniel Bryan can sell Sheamus' hard hitting moves very well and make him look good while Sheamus has the strength to support Daniel Bryan if he goes for the more tricky maneuvers. I expect both performers to look good. Although I'm a fan of the Celtic Warrior, I'm hoping Daniel Bryan wins this one. That way, Sheamus can be drafted to Smackdown where I think he'd do better. Hey, its just a thought.

8-Man Tag Team Match: The Corre vs Santino & Kozlov/Kane & The Big Show

I think The Corre is gonna win this one. I may have said shit about the Corre in the past but The Corre turned out a much better group than say, The Nexus. Last time I checked, each member of The Nexus was getting their head kicked in literally and effortlessly by Randy Orton. But I digress. Santino and Kozlov or "The Allied Powers" as I prefer to call them, are an interesting duo but they're a comedy duo. Its hard to take them seriously and even harder to picture them winning in Mania. Kane and The Big Show or "The Big Red Machine" or something...are two of the slowest men on the roster. I almost fall asleep watching them. Why are they here again? Oh yeah, They're feuding with The Corre. Right. They don't need this win. It doesn't make sense for them to. The Corre is gonna win and hopefully look like a competent and legit stable. Their shirt designs still suck though.

Mixed Tag Match: Trish Stratus/John Morrison/Snooki vs LayCool/Dolph Ziggler
Barf. What's a "Snooki" and what the hell is it doing in my Wrestlemania. This is problematic. This match could be a mess with a "celebrity" from Jersey Shore in it. If the fans in the arena are good sports, they could let this slide as simply a weird idea some writer had while drunk. If not and they boo loudly for someone in the face team then its only gonna be more awkward. Who's gonna win? Trish's team of course. Call me a cynic but Trish's win would benefit that Tough Enough show she coaches or something. I expect a lot of good wrestling from Morrison and Ziggler. With Snooki and LayCool hanging around, both men are gonna have to carry this match. Both are good wrestlers but another thing they have in common is they suck on the microphone. Curious. I feel bad for Ziggler actually. Losing here would just add to the growing pile of suck his career has been. Somebody give this guy a break.

Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes
Interesting. Cody Rhodes was pretty funny with his pretty boy narcissist gimmick but it would seem he's changing his gimmick to something more serious. Good for him. There's no way he'd be a champion with his silly, old, hard-to-take-seriously-as-a-legitimate-threat gimmick anyway. Rey Mysterio could make Cody, ahem, "look good". I hope Cody wins. A loss here would break the momentum of his new character.

Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole w/ Jack Swagger Special Referee: Steve Austin
Say what you want about Michael Cole but I think he's a terrible character and I don't mean that in a "love to hate" kind of way but in a "hate with every fiber of my being" way. He's an announcer OK? It's important for him to call the match and help explain to us why we should care. Its not his job to get involved. The same goes for Lawler. Hopefully, this match will put an end to this feud and nonsense. If Cole wins then we'll never see the end of it which is why I think Jerry is gonna win this one with a little help from Austin who is also in Tough Enough too, I think. If Jerry wins we can finally bury this feud and shut Cole up.

CM Punk vs Randy Orton

This is a match I actually want to see. I'm a fan of CM Punk. He's an excellent heel with awesome mic skills and great ring skills too. Randy Orton's character has gone stale recently. Orton is boring to watch. His character is supposed to be a dirty, rotten scumbag who would do anything to get what he wants. Instead, Randy has become some kind of a good guy anti-hero? It just doesn't fit. A Punk win would solidify Punk as a top performer and doom Randy back to the bottom where he can get back to plotting revenge and acting all ruthless and shit. By the way, The Nexus was also supposed to appear in this match but only if they could beat Orton. None of them did. Oh man, it was a brutal burial. I think The Nexus is dead. Good.

Main Event: No Holds Barred: The Undertaker vs HHH

Ah yes, the most hyped up match in the card. Its "The Streak" vs "The Game". Who will win? Could The Undertaker's 18-0 streak in Wrestlemania finally come to an end in the hands of Triple H? I expect this match to be brutal. The thing that worries me is that The Undertaker is a pretty old guy and he can't perform as well as he used to. I expect Triple H to bear the brunt of the hits then. It's gonna be a slow match with a strong finish. I think The Undertaker is gonna win this one for three reasons: Firstly, The Undertaker isn't ready to retire yet. I can't find any official info if he's gonna hang up the boots in this event. Last year, Shawn Michaels went up against Taker but we pretty much knew Shawn was retiring and that was his last match. His loss was a foregone conclusion. I can't see the same signs here. Secondly, Triple H doesn't need the win. If Triple H wins, what's he gonna do? Go after the Heavyweight Title AGAIN? He already said it himself that he's done almost everything in the business except end "The Streak" which brings me to my third point. It's not time to end "the streak" just yet. Hell, let it go up to 20-0. By that time, hopefully, there will be some new talent, someone worthy, someone ready to be the new face of the company who will end the streak and become a god. Triple H doesn't have to be the one to end it. He's already hogged all the glory.

I'm looking forward to the show.

Royal Rumble 2011

The Royal Rumble is one of the biggest PPVs in the wrestling calendar scheduled just before Wrestlemania. The main feature of the event is the titular Royal Rumble where thirty men battle it out in one ring. The contestants enter the ring one at a time and can only be eliminated by being thrown over the top rope with both feet touching the ground below. This year is the "biggest rumble evah" with forty men instead of the traditional thirty. Personally, I don't see what good adding ten more jobbers to the list is gonna do but I digress.

Anyway, I missed the first match between Heavyweight Champion Edge and Dolph Ziggler. All I know is that Edge won. That's good enough for me. I still don't think Ziggler deserves to be champ. He's got great skills but no personality. Vicky is doing all the work gathering heat for the guy. Come to think of it, there really is no reason to hate Dolph. He hasn't really done anything. We hate him because of Vicky and all she does is scream a lot.

The second match is The Miz versus Randy Orton. Great. Whatever. The match was OK except for the whole interference bullshit ending where the Nexus inexplicably show up to screw Orton over for no reason. Come on, can't Orton ever lose cleanly? Stop turning him into Cena. The match did make me realize something. I really, really fucking hate The Miz, his annoying butt buddy Alex Riley and announcer Cole. I hope they die in a fire.

The Diva Championship match sucked big time. The crowd was dead and so was I. I almost fell asleep. That's all I gotta say. Dear WWE, please fix the Diva division.

So that's it? No more championship matches? Oh, time to start the rumble then. Yay.

The Rumble is initially interrupted by the Nexus fighting against Smackdown's own gang of idiots, The Corre. Seriously, that's what the group is called. The extra R is for retarded. P.S. their t-shirt sucks too. Anyway, management has order restored and we begin with CM Punk versus US Champion Daniel Bryan. I'm just gonna go over the Rumble real quick since I can't recap every single thing. Here's some highlights: (Numbered according to appearance)

A chant battle happens for both Punk and Bryan but Punk has the bigger crowd reaction. Daniel Bryan is a talented wrestler. Seriously, he should be a contender for the Heavyweight Championship. #5 is William Regal. Damn, he really let himself go.

John Morrison appears at #7. Morrison pulls off his own awesome Royal Rumble moment. Get this, he's pushed out of the ring but grabs onto the audience barricade and clings to it like Spiderman. His feet almost touched the floor. He then balances along the barricade, jumps on the steel steps and goes back in the ring. Sweet.

At #9, Husky Harris appears as the second member of Nexus and proceeds to protect Punk with his enormously fat ass. At #10 Chavo Guerrero slides into the ring. He begins doing the late Eddy Guerrero's "Three Amigos" suplexes. He points at the sky and briefly mimics Eddy's dance. Nice tribute.

Fast forward to # 15 and its David Otunga. There are four Nexus members in the ring now. They threw everyone else out. #16 Tyler Reks comes out and stupidly charges into the ring where four large men wearing the same team colors are visibly waiting for him. God, that was stupid. Michael McGillicutty (#13) or Magilla Gorilla as I prefer to call him, throws Reks out. #17 Kozlov stupidly charges in too and so does #18 R-Truth only to be thrown out. Couldn't they have taken their time a little? #19 The Great Khali appears and manages to throw Husky "Fatty Fat Fat" Harris over but the rest prove too much and Khali goes over the ropes. Look, I know the WWE wants us to see The Nexus as a "force to be reckoned with" but this is getting boring.

Then at #21 something amazing happens. BOOKER T.The crowd goes absolutely apeshit and so do I. Booker hits the scissor kick, then another and then does the "Book End". Wait? Could it be? OH YES! Spin-a-roony! Oh man, this is good...REAL good. This is so good, I know that it won't last if the WWE has anything to do with it. Oh well, Booker T gets tossed off the ring and the disappointment in the crowd was so incredible, I thought they would riot. I wished they did.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, John Cena comes out at #22. He gets into the ring and somehow manages to eliminate everyone but Punk. They fight a bit and knock each other out. Brilliant. #23 rings up and its Hornswoggle the "leprechaun". Really? A midget is in the Royal Rumble? This is now the lowest point in the evening.

Punk beats up Cena and turns his attention to Hornswoggle who he knocks down. He gets incredible heat from the crowd. Hilarious. CM Punk is eliminated. Lame. Eventually, some guy named Tyson Kidd comes out at #24 and I don't think neither I nor the crowd have ever even heard of him. He is so screwed. Cena effortlessly beats him and Hornswoggle pulls off an Attitude Adjustment on Kidd. You read that right. A midget just did a Fireman's Carry Slam on a guy about three times taller than him. How humiliating is that? Cena puts him out of his misery and throws him over. Alas, poor jobber, I hardly knew him. Jobber #25 appears and Cena and the midget do some funny stuff. This is the comedy segment of the Rumble it seems.

Kingston and Swagger come out at #26, #27 respectively and they all fight a bit. At #28 Sheamus (Hell Yeah!) makes his way to the ring. Looks like some faces are gonna be kicked. An interesting bit occurs when Sheamus (who is 100% concentrated Irish) comes face to face with Hornswoggle. Obviously offended by this negative stereotype of Irish culture, Sheamus deals with this affront to his proud heritage by KICKING the midget IN THE FACE. (Edit: My bad, he doesn't kick him but slams his head on the ground VIOLENTLY) I laughed so hard, I couldn't breath. Seriously, I nearly passed out. Hornswoggle goes up on the top rope to try to do a splash but Sheamus KICKS him IN THE FACE. I pissed myself. Hornswoggle is eliminated.

Some guys come out. It's not important. At #31 Ziggler appears? Didn't he just lose his Championship match? Anyway Diesel comes out at #32. The crowd goes crazy for him. They even booed Mysterio for hitting the 619 on the guy. Woah, its weird when people boo Mysterio. Has that ever happened before? Drew McIntyre appears at #33. Drew and Sheamus are both openly Irish and they hit it off pretty awesomely. Drew and Sheamus begin unloading a can of whoop ass on everyone like a...tag team? Holy shit! I hope they team up and revive the Tag Team Division.

#37 Santino shows up. He begins by strategically attacking the largest and most threatening man in the Rumble. He has his face smashed and he rolls off the ring but not over the top rope. I see what you did there WWE...

Alberto Del Rio enters at #38. Even though it's the goddamn Royal Rumble, he enters riding his sweet car and introduced by his personal announcer. You gotta love this guy. He takes his sweet time walking to the ring only to be ambushed by #39 who is...Randy Orton? Didn't he lose his Championship match as well? What the hell?

#40 is Kane. Well that sucks. No more surprises. No Triple H, no Batista, no Jericho. Shit, no Christian? Lame. Anyway stuff happens and Del Rio eliminates Orton. Looks like it's Del Rio for Wrestlemania!

But wait! Santino wasn't officially eliminated! Santino hits the cobra on Del Rio and begins dancing around the ring. I laugh my ass off. It literally fell off. I swear! Santino tries to toss Del Rio off the ropes but it backfires and Santino is done. Its Alberto Del Rio folks and I'm cool with that. If there ever was new talent to push it would be him.

It was an OK Royal Rumble.

Cena is Poopy

I used to watch professional wrestling, specifically the WWE promotion but for a time it wasn't easily available to watch. It's only now that I got back into it and I must say, I'm surprised at how much it sucks.

Before I go on, I need to get something cleared up. I know it's fake, OK? Wrestling is fake. I KNOW. If I had a hundred pesos for every time someone has to point that out to me every time I raise the topic, I'd be driving a Porsche.

Knowing it's fake, why do I even watch it? Now that's a good question. Moving on...

I could go on about the obvious flaws like how the Tag-team division is underwhelming or how badly I miss the Cruiserweight title or how completely useless the "Diva" division is. I could write separate topics about them but I don't want to write about those issues yet. Right now, I'd like to write about the worst thing in the WWE right now. John Cena. I wish he'd die.

I don't hate the performer. John Cena (the person) seems like a nice guy and is quite loyal to the company. However, I fucking hate what the character of "John Cena" had become. Shit, I remember in the "Ruthless Aggression" era, Cena used to talk smack and stand up to the likes of Kurt Angle and even Chris Jericho. The crowd loved him for it. He was an underdog but he had the "heart of a champion". That's why his character was awesome and fans like to cheer for the underdog anyway. It helped that he had a ridiculous white rapper gimmick which was pretty funny in its own right especially when he was trying to challenge Brock Lesnar to rap battles or something. Man, when did all go wrong?

Oh wait, I remember now. The exact moment Cena began to suck was when he won the WWE championship from JBL in Wrestlemania. Cena was now in the big leagues as a major face and that was all well and good except his character stagnated from that point on. He was no longer an underdog and they got rid of his rapper gimmick. He became "the Champ" or something. Fine. Whatever. However, that doesn't justify the fact that John Cena still doesn't have any substantial development even today. That's my first point. Aw, shit, looks like I'll have to make a list to keep me from rambling.

1. His Character Sucks

Honest question: What's John Cena supposed to be? He's not a midcarder underdog to cheer for anymore nor is he a semi-funny white rapper. Is he a marine? Like a Sgt. Slaughter character? Nah, that was just a lame promotion for his stupid movie. So what's his gimmick? Every wrestler needs a gimmick, that's just a fact of life. Without a gimmick, why would we care to watch that wrestler anyway? Oh wait, I know what Cena is! A piece of shit that's what.

2. He Can't Wrestle

It's wrong to say he can't wrestle because I know the performer is capable. What I mean is, I can't see anything going on in a typical Cena match. What usually happens is, Cena gets beat down by an opponent who does three times as many complicated moves than he does. Cena then "heroicaly" gets back on his feet to do that lame shoulder tackle or something. He gets beat down again. Suddenly, Cena overcomes all odds and does his finisher which doesn't even look that impressive. Any Cena match is a good time to take a piss or do some other things like write in your blog.

3. He is Overexposed and Boring

Cena gets way too much hype. The most annoying part is that he's such a goody goody. The Cena we used to love was not exactly an asshole but he had a mean streak going on. Now he's just not interesting. Why is he even a good guy? I just can't stand him anymore seeing how much of a pussy his character had become. I mean, recently when Cena was "fired" from RAW, he was all emotional and teary eyed. Kiss my ass.

In summation, Cena needs a character overhaul and a new gimmick. The problem is, WWE probably won't. A lot of the "smart" crowd hate him for the reasons above. The jeers in the ECW One Night Stand was pretty brutal. It made me sorry for the performer having to work with such a lousy character. Problem is, Cena is really popular with the children and the child-like adults who are fans of him. WWE won't tear down this hero and make him a villain although I wish they would. Hey, it worked for Hogan.

"You can't Wrestle!"