Wrestlemania 27: The Fallout

I got to see Wrestlemania last Monday. Here's a run down on what happened. What is the worst Wrestlemania ever? I don't know but what I do know is that it kinda sucked and I pity the silly Americans and their Pay-per-views when I can watch it for free.

U.S. Championship: Sheamus v Daniel Bryan
Hahaha! What? The U.S. Championship was turned into a dark match that ended with no winner? What? It descended to a messy lumberjack match or some kind of "Royal Rumble" thing? What? The Great Khali won? WHAT? The one match that was actually promising was turned into shit? What? How do I know? The Internet is whining about it being ruined to this day. Fuck you, WWE.

World Heavyweight Championship: Edge v Alberto Del Rio Unfortunately I didn't catch this match so I can't comment if it was any good but what I do know is that Edge retained. It's peculiar that they first televised match would be the WWE Championship match. It's usually towards the big events later.

Cody Rhodes v Rey Mysterio
Cody came out with his plastic face mask and crappy dark remix of his entrance theme. You know, the plot of the feud is that Cody's face was damaged by Rey and now Cody thinks he's an ugly freak. I can't understand why they'd let Cody wear a plastic face mask that's transparent so that we can see that there's absolutely no damage whatsoever. Also, wouldn't his mask be a foreign object and thus, be illegal? Rey comes out in Captain America themed gear. What is it with Rey dressing up as comic book characters? He had a Joker theme once which I thought was pretty cool in a weird way. Rey appears to be wearing a leg brace so I guess it evens out Cody's mask so its fair? Also, despite wearing a leg brace, Rey shows no signs that his leg is in any bad shape. He's running around doing flips and shit. Ugh. Whatever. OK match. Cody managed to use Rey's leg brace to hit Rey while the Referee was distracted by something shiny all the way over the other side of the ring . Cody hits his finisher for the win.

(Backstage Crap with Snoop Dogg I Don't Care About)

The Corre v Face Team
What a terrible match. So The Corre show up with their shitty t-shirts and then the good guys show up. The match begins and almost immediately, hijinks happen with people falling out of the ring and whatever. Long story short, the good guys win in what appeared to be a two-minute match. Hell, their entrances seemed longer. Half of The Corre, namely Wade and Ezekiel, were totally inconsequential and did nothing at all. The other half, who are also the freaking Tag-Team Champions in case you forgot, didn't even get five seconds of offense in. It was a goddamn burial. Jesus, The Corre doesn't deserve this and I don't think a squash match belongs in a big even like Wrestlemania.

CM Punk v Randy Orton
Great match with a shitty ending. Punk and Randy go at it for a while. At first it's a back and forth match but Punk gets the upper hand. Punk targets Randy's "injured" leg and pounds on it mercilessly. He stomps it and puts holds on it while Randy sells the pain convincingly. At one point, Randy attempts to do a running "patented punt" (Fuck you too, Michael Cole) but his leg gives way and he falls over. What a dumbass. Punk even manages to do a standing Figure-Four Leg lock on the turnbuckles which was awesome. Yet despite all the impressive offense and Randy's theatrics of pain, Randy inexplicably jumps up and pulls an RKO finishing move out of nowhere on a suddenly reckless Punk, who was cold and methodical before, and throws all the psychology of the match out the window. Why even target the damn leg all throughout the match when in the end, it didn't even matter? Gah.

Michael Cole v Jerry Lawler
Shit. Just take my word for it.

The Undertaker v Triple H
Best match of the whole damn show but is it enough to save Wrestlemania? You watch it and decide because I won't spoil it. What impressed me is that The Undertaker, despite his height, weight and age, still managed to clear the ropes for a Suicide Dive like it was nothing. I actually believed, for a second, that Triple H just might beat The Undertaker but alas, The Undertaker finally beat Triple H in Wrestlemania, despite having fought him already before a few years back but WWE hopes you won't remember that. By the way, Triple H's entrance was the coolest ever.

Snooki, John Morrison and Trish Stratus v LayCool and Dolph Ziggler
I guess I haven't seen this match too because I went downstairs to grab a quick snack and when I came back, it was over. Snooki was booed but she managed to pull a double back flip something which surprised me. The winner? Face team.

WWE Championship: The Miz v John Cena
The match begins with an impressive video package for The Miz. The video's message was pretty much "I'm the Champion and if you don't like it, go sleep on the train tracks." Cena's entrance had a freaking black gospel choir with a prayer session or something making it impossible to boo at least, until Cena finally comes out and then the boos start. The match was OK I guess. The Miz can wrestle but he just didn't bring style in my opinion. Cena sucked. The match ended in a double DQ but The Rock appears and restarts the match. He also hits Cena with a Rock Bottom. The Miz pins for the win. Cena lost. Cena lost and I smiled.

Wasn't that great.

Wrestlemania 27

Classes are over for now and I was just thinking, "What big things are gonna happen soon?" Of course! Wrestlemania 27! For those of you who live under a rock or oppressive dictator, Wrestlemania is only the biggest event in the WWE and arguably all of professional wrestling. This year, like the years before it, is promised to be the like the bestest evar. I've been watching the WWE shows leading up to Wrestlemania and there's a lot of hype definitely. I'd like to offer my thoughts on each match that's in store.

WWE Championship: The Miz vs John Cena

To be perfectly honest, I don't give a crap about The Miz. However, if you've read a previous post of mine, you'd know that I absolutely loathe John Cena so I'm praying to several gods that he'd lose. I am aware that a Cena victory is pretty likely as he, regrettably, really is the face of the WWE with an army of small children behind him who buy merchandise. The only reason I'm holding out is that The Rock is involved in this feud. Also, The Miz' butt buddy, Alex Riley is probably gonna be running around and doing stuff. Maybe something interesting will happen. Maybe not. But if Cena wins, I'm gonna run out to the street and punch a lamppost until I'm arrested.

World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs Alberto Del Rio

I think Edge will win. I don't think ADR is ready to be champion just yet. I have a gut feeling or maybe its just indigestion.

U.S. Championship: Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan

This match has a lot of potential. I've seen some of Daniel Bryan's matches on the tube and he's pretty impressive. I'm a fan of Sheamus by the way. I think he's hilarious and gingers are too marginalized and underrepresented in television and sports. Daniel Bryan can sell Sheamus' hard hitting moves very well and make him look good while Sheamus has the strength to support Daniel Bryan if he goes for the more tricky maneuvers. I expect both performers to look good. Although I'm a fan of the Celtic Warrior, I'm hoping Daniel Bryan wins this one. That way, Sheamus can be drafted to Smackdown where I think he'd do better. Hey, its just a thought.

8-Man Tag Team Match: The Corre vs Santino & Kozlov/Kane & The Big Show

I think The Corre is gonna win this one. I may have said shit about the Corre in the past but The Corre turned out a much better group than say, The Nexus. Last time I checked, each member of The Nexus was getting their head kicked in literally and effortlessly by Randy Orton. But I digress. Santino and Kozlov or "The Allied Powers" as I prefer to call them, are an interesting duo but they're a comedy duo. Its hard to take them seriously and even harder to picture them winning in Mania. Kane and The Big Show or "The Big Red Machine" or something...are two of the slowest men on the roster. I almost fall asleep watching them. Why are they here again? Oh yeah, They're feuding with The Corre. Right. They don't need this win. It doesn't make sense for them to. The Corre is gonna win and hopefully look like a competent and legit stable. Their shirt designs still suck though.

Mixed Tag Match: Trish Stratus/John Morrison/Snooki vs LayCool/Dolph Ziggler
Barf. What's a "Snooki" and what the hell is it doing in my Wrestlemania. This is problematic. This match could be a mess with a "celebrity" from Jersey Shore in it. If the fans in the arena are good sports, they could let this slide as simply a weird idea some writer had while drunk. If not and they boo loudly for someone in the face team then its only gonna be more awkward. Who's gonna win? Trish's team of course. Call me a cynic but Trish's win would benefit that Tough Enough show she coaches or something. I expect a lot of good wrestling from Morrison and Ziggler. With Snooki and LayCool hanging around, both men are gonna have to carry this match. Both are good wrestlers but another thing they have in common is they suck on the microphone. Curious. I feel bad for Ziggler actually. Losing here would just add to the growing pile of suck his career has been. Somebody give this guy a break.

Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes
Interesting. Cody Rhodes was pretty funny with his pretty boy narcissist gimmick but it would seem he's changing his gimmick to something more serious. Good for him. There's no way he'd be a champion with his silly, old, hard-to-take-seriously-as-a-legitimate-threat gimmick anyway. Rey Mysterio could make Cody, ahem, "look good". I hope Cody wins. A loss here would break the momentum of his new character.

Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole w/ Jack Swagger Special Referee: Steve Austin
Say what you want about Michael Cole but I think he's a terrible character and I don't mean that in a "love to hate" kind of way but in a "hate with every fiber of my being" way. He's an announcer OK? It's important for him to call the match and help explain to us why we should care. Its not his job to get involved. The same goes for Lawler. Hopefully, this match will put an end to this feud and nonsense. If Cole wins then we'll never see the end of it which is why I think Jerry is gonna win this one with a little help from Austin who is also in Tough Enough too, I think. If Jerry wins we can finally bury this feud and shut Cole up.

CM Punk vs Randy Orton

This is a match I actually want to see. I'm a fan of CM Punk. He's an excellent heel with awesome mic skills and great ring skills too. Randy Orton's character has gone stale recently. Orton is boring to watch. His character is supposed to be a dirty, rotten scumbag who would do anything to get what he wants. Instead, Randy has become some kind of a good guy anti-hero? It just doesn't fit. A Punk win would solidify Punk as a top performer and doom Randy back to the bottom where he can get back to plotting revenge and acting all ruthless and shit. By the way, The Nexus was also supposed to appear in this match but only if they could beat Orton. None of them did. Oh man, it was a brutal burial. I think The Nexus is dead. Good.

Main Event: No Holds Barred: The Undertaker vs HHH

Ah yes, the most hyped up match in the card. Its "The Streak" vs "The Game". Who will win? Could The Undertaker's 18-0 streak in Wrestlemania finally come to an end in the hands of Triple H? I expect this match to be brutal. The thing that worries me is that The Undertaker is a pretty old guy and he can't perform as well as he used to. I expect Triple H to bear the brunt of the hits then. It's gonna be a slow match with a strong finish. I think The Undertaker is gonna win this one for three reasons: Firstly, The Undertaker isn't ready to retire yet. I can't find any official info if he's gonna hang up the boots in this event. Last year, Shawn Michaels went up against Taker but we pretty much knew Shawn was retiring and that was his last match. His loss was a foregone conclusion. I can't see the same signs here. Secondly, Triple H doesn't need the win. If Triple H wins, what's he gonna do? Go after the Heavyweight Title AGAIN? He already said it himself that he's done almost everything in the business except end "The Streak" which brings me to my third point. It's not time to end "the streak" just yet. Hell, let it go up to 20-0. By that time, hopefully, there will be some new talent, someone worthy, someone ready to be the new face of the company who will end the streak and become a god. Triple H doesn't have to be the one to end it. He's already hogged all the glory.

I'm looking forward to the show.