Wrestlemania XXX: Thoughts and Predictions

It's Wrestlemania time, Brotherdudejack!

Though I don't write about it often, I'm a fan of pro wrestling. I watch mostly WWE stuff unfortunately. I'd like to get into Japanese pro wrestling if I can but I digress. It's almost the big one, people! This Sunday is Wrestlemania XXX, celebrating thirty years of wholesome, simulated violence! Here's a run-down of the card and my personal thoughts and predictions. 

Tag Team Championships

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. Real Americans vs. "Rybaxel"(?)

It's a shame that this Fatal Four-way Match for the Tag Team Championship is on the pre-show. I like tag team matches but I don't like how the WWE's philosophy seems to be either to put random strangers into a team because they have nothing else to do, or to  split up teams as soon as the faint possibility exists of making one of them a solo star. Just some time ago, they broke up the Prime Time Players all of a sudden for no reason and nothing good came of it.

I think the The Usos are going to win simply because they've been working real hard for  the past year and I just can't see the other teams winning the straps. Los Matadores are a joke. "Rybaxel", the team of Ryback and Curtis Axel, have no momentum whatsoever. There's nothing about them that screams, "We have a chance!".

The Real Americans, Jack Swagger and Cesaro, would have had the best chance of winning were it not for the signs that the company is going to push Cesaro as a solo performer. I like Cesaro. Cesaro is ridiculously strong and very skilled in the ring. He makes his partner, Jack Swagger, look like an uncoordinated jackass in comparison. Why force it? If they're gonna break Cesaro out soon, why win the titles?

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Speaking of giving people something to do...

I like how this is a tribute to Andre the Giant and that the winner gets his own Andre the Giant bronze statue or something. The name of this event has that grandiose charm to it. I wish they would have plugged this more though, to make it seem even more important.

So who's gonna win? There are five potential winners based on who appeared in the shows leading up to this: Alberto Del Rio, Christian, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler and The Big Show. The rest have NO CHANCE! THAT'S WHAT THEY GOT....

I want Christian to win because I'm a fan. But let's get real here, they're not gonna give Christian this. Alberto Del Rio's contract is almost up so they're not gonna give a win to a guy who's on his way out. Dolph Ziggler isn't gonna win because the WWE really loves shitting on Dolph Ziggler fans. Sheamus? Maybe.

The cynic in me says that The Big Show is gonna win simply because he's a "giant" himself like Andre. I can't stand The Big Show. His booking is all over the place. One week he's a tough guy but in the next week, he's a crybaby. He's a badass in one episode and then comes out wearing a diaper in the next. For God's sake, please don't let him win.

Vickie Guerrero's Divas Championship Invitationals

If the WWE doesn't care about their female division, I'm not going to care either.

 The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

You've done it now...

Normally, I would be hyped for the annual "Will the streak be broken?" Undertaker match but they really screwed up the build for this one.

Look, the Undertaker's undefeated streak in Wrestlemania is larger-than-life now. Every intelligent Jew fan in the world knows that Brock Lesnar doesn't deserve to win and will not win this Sunday. The fun though, lies in the story being told. We need to believe that Brock Lesnar has a chance to beat Undertaker and end the streak once and for all.

The Undertaker is old. Every man has his limits. You look at the Undertaker and you see a man who has beaten himself up for decades and has sacrificed his flesh, blood and bones for the business. And then you look at Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar the "Next Big Thing". Brock Lesnar the former MMA Champion. Brock "Here Comes the Pain" Lesnar the BEAST INCARNATE. Brock Lesnar who's younger, faster and in way better physical shape than the Undertaker.

The Undertaker should have looked vulnerable for once. That would have been compelling. Instead, we were given the usual druids and coffins and "mind games" bullcrap. Lesnar looked "scared" and weak. I dunno. I know that's the standard Undertaker build up but I just thought that making Brock dominant would have been way better. Have Brock beat up the druids and destroy the casket. Have him look like a super serious threat to the streak. It would make Undertaker look more like the legend he is when he transcends even his own physical limitations to earn a hard fought victory. Then he would truly be the "Phenom".

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

(My Preferred Outcome)

 Let's just get this out of the way here. I don't like Cena and when I say that, I mean John Cena as a character. I hate the John Cena character. I think he's stale, boring and not that good. I don't think he deserves to be the face of the company but this really deserves its own column. Let's talk about this match.

When you look at the roster now, you'd come to the realization that Bray Wyatt is the only true "monster" left in the WWE. Kane has gone "Corporate Kane" and The Undertaker is untouchable in his own universe. Bray Wyatt is the only truly menacing character left and he's the future, man.

A win here would solidify his character as a major threat and that's very important for the sole monster of the roster. A loss here would be a major blow to his credibility. After all, he already got outsmarted by Daniel Bryan in their feud last year. A loss here, despite all the great promos and mind games against John Cena, would make Bray look like a fool who can't get the job done.

Cena on the other hand, doesn't need a win. If Cena wins, then what? What more does he have left to prove? The man has done it all. In the big picture, a victory here doesn't really mean much in his list of accomplishments. It's not like there's a title on the line. The smart decision would be to lose and help Bray establish himself as the top heel.

But since this is the WWE and John Cena we're talking about here, my prediction is that Bray Wyatt loses and becomes a comedy jobber having meaningless matches against Fandango and Kofi Kingston for the rest of the year.

The Shield vs. The New Age Outlaws and Kane

Dean Face

The Shield are gonna win and you better believe that. They're too awesome an act to job to these geezers.

Still, I have my doubts if feuding with NAO and Kane will be fun. Can the Shield work a good match with them? I know Kane can pull off some cool stuff but... yeah.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H 

 Batista vs Randy Orton vs. (Daniel Bryan or Triple H)

Two interconnected matches and two different scenarios here.

Dream Scenario A: Daniel Bryan finally defeats Triple H, symbolizing the victory of the fans over the oppressive "authority" but not before sustaining a tremendous beating. He then limps into the triple threat match and defeats Batista and Randy Orton after an epic struggle. He wins the belts to thunderous applause and the entire arena chants in unison, "YES!", "YES!", "YES!"

Nightmare Scenario B: Triple H stomps Daniel Bryan in eight seconds then orders Batista and Randy Orton to man up, take their pedigrees and lay down their lives for the business. Triple HHH pins them both, wins the Championship and proceeds to literally fling his own feces at the audience while laughing maniacally.

I'm going with Scenario A because I really believe the crowd will actually riot if Daniel Bryan doesn't win and despite everything, I'm sure the WWE, at least, care about their own LIVES enough to avoid that.

Conclusion

I think this Wrestlemania is gonna be average. I'm really not feeling it but I gotta be optimistic.

It's gonna suck, isn't it?