11/23/15 Live

The third Sunday is down and it's just one more to go. It's pretty much downhill from here. Hmm, maybe "downhill" is the wrong word to use.

I don't like doing this but I'm about to get personal here. If you don't like personal, narcissistic diarrhea that's fine, the close button is usually on the top right of the screen so you can go ahead and click that.

I'll be honest, I think I did OK so far. The problem is, "OK" isn't good enough. The passing rate needs an average of seventy five. 

I try to be optimistic but the thought of failure creeps in often. How many Filipinos are there in the Philippines? Ninety-two million or so. How many people are taking the exam? About seven thousand. On average, what's the passing rate? About twenty percent? The odds are slim. People tell me not to talk about failure or even think it. The talking part, I get. People may not want to hear it, especially if that person is a fellow taker. Thoughts are not so easily suppressed.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather not have to do this bullshit again or come to this stinking place. Perhaps the best course of action is to find new opportunities next year with the thought that this whole Law thing might not pan out.

A few nights ago, I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was finally back at home in my room but something was terribly wrong. I was standing there but I wasn't moving. I was completely unable to move my body. Everything seemed frozen. Time itself stood still and the daylight from the windows were blinding but night never came.

I believe dreams have meaning. If you're into surrealism, dreams are a window to our subconscious thoughts. After much thought, I think I deciphered it. Perhaps it is not failing the bar I'm afraid of but the idea that my life will stop if I don't pass it. The whole thought of life as a single linear road that admits no deviation: be born, go to school, get diploma, pass exam, get job, raise family, die. If I fail the exam, will everything just...stop? With the exam over, what will I do? If I fail, will I have to do this again and again? Will everything just stop and stagnate? Is this all there is? Will it be this way forever? Where the hell am I really going?

It's all ridiculous of course. This exam should not the be the be all, end all but this exam has done nothing but narrow my worldview. All this hype and inflated importance all for a stupid state sponsored board exam. It's gotten to the point that I cannot fathom what I'm going to do with myself if I don't make it; if I make a wrong turn in this miserable one way street. I guess the thought of actually living life and making the most of what happens instead of following the script is a lot more terrifying than any board exam.

Maybe I'm just so bored of it all. All my life has been sitting in a classroom listening to old people tell me how life works. Some of my fellow classmates have had jobs in the past. Some have families and children. I've got nothing but this fucking exam. What's left of my misspent youthful energy is driving me into impatience. I want to live goddammit. I need to get out there but I know everything in my body will resist it. Part of me is always afraid. There is comfort in staying coddled by educational institutions and living the life of a student on someone else's dime. There is comfort in staying a student forever and just going along believing in the false markers for success society has laid out. There is comfort in routine and just going through the motions again and again. The nightmare must not become a reality.

 I've spent eight years in college and nothing to show for it but pieces of paper.

11/11/15 Nothing

Nothing much to say today.

Here

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm not supposed to be here and I don't mean like in a particular room or something. I don't feel like I should be "here"; in time and place.

Everything is an accident.

NWO

Something is in the air and it ain't love.

The changing of Europe's demographics are accelerating. China builds islands in the middle of the sea. Russia is now bombing targets in the Middle East. What's next?

Where will we be in twenty years?

The Bad Old Days

I was born after the People Power Revolution so I have no personal experience of that time period. It was no doubt, a tumultuous time. The repercussions of that episode in  our history echo to this day in the clashing narratives that beat in the public consciousness. There are some who say it wasn't so bad and that it was a time when the Philippines was at the cusp of achieving greatness as a nation while there are others with grim stories of torture and oppression, a Philippines sliding helplessly into totalitarianism.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know who and what to believe exactly. The stories of oppression are just too numerous and documented to be a lie. Yet, I don't believe that it's the entire picture of what happened in those days. I want to know the unfamiliar beginning up to the familiar end. 

Was Marcos completely evil? I think it's impossible for a person to be a hundred percent evil. Was it a matter of good intentions gone wrong? He was ambitious, of that there is no doubt. What plans did he have for the Philippines? Who were the devils on the devil's shoulder? Were our heroes really heroes or were they the right people at the right place and time?

I don't trust anyone to tell me the whole truth, that's just my nature. Everyone has an agenda to push. It is important however that lessons are learned and the big lesson, unanimously agreed upon to teach the kids, is that we should always be on guard for oppression and tyranny. A good lesson but a single dictator isn't the only one who can inflict such suffering on a people.

History is written by the winners. Nobody milks the People Power legacy more than our current President. His shameless exploitation of People Power sometimes borders on the absurd, as if it were he and his parents alone who made it happen. It is as if he has the exclusive, God-given moral authority to continue the struggle and judge for himself what is good and what is bad. But the President is just a child, a child of that revolution as we all are in a way. The people who lived through it, whether they like it or not, were baptized and brought into a new Philippines.

The Philippines today is a mess. There is a general feeling of hopelessness and a descent into our cultural tendency to fatalism and self-resignation or obsession with trivia and frivolity. Now there's regret; a feeling that maybe the old days weren't so bad and that maybe we can get a do-over and make the revolution right this time. No dice. 

What's done is done.

Stuffy

I'm prone to colds and pretty much all manner of sinus-related illnesses. Right now, I feel like some asshole is pressing his fist on my forehead.

I've doubled on the liquids and used those fizzy pop tablets you put in a glass of water to make you feel better. I dunno if its the tablet that works or the fact that you drank lots of water, but I could use a good placebo right now.

Maybe tomorrow won't suck.

Terminal Illness

No sooner had the piece of airplane wreckage been hauled to shore when the folks at CNN were all over it like buzzards on a carcass. Wolf Blitzer was absolutely salivating on screen, obviously overjoyed at the prospect of another week of nonstop speculation and navel-gazing over the missing Malaysian airplane.

I wrote about CNN's mental illness before regarding it's obsession with missing airplanes. It's a shame that its condition seems to have relapsed. Nobody watches CNN except those miserable people stuck in airport terminals waiting for their delayed flights. It makes sense for CNN to obsess over a story that air travelers would no doubt be interested in. It's merely catering to its captive audience.

Maybe one day, we'll obsess over other things.

Reminisce

I was taking a walk this morning to get the blood flowing. The traffic along Guadalupe's one main road was unusually heavy and then I realized why. Today was the start of classes for elementary and high school students.

It was a beautiful morning too but only I seemed to be enjoying it. The streets were a swarm of motorcycles with gruff-looking fathers and visibly anxious children riding on, clutching their bags. Outside the gates of the school were anxious mothers coaxing their children in and making sure their child could still see them outside from the classroom window.

The blood was flowing but old memories too, came flooding back. I remember the first day of elementary school. It was a ridiculous sight to see such small children carry such heavy bags and pull those cumbersome old strollers. I remember the anxiety of entering a new classroom, a whole new environment with other kids you didn't know yet. I remember the fear of waiting for the first bell and hoping that the teachers were kind. They always peddle horror stories to the new meat about which teacher was the "terror".

The same story could be said for high school and college when I think about it. It's stressful at first then you lapse into depression induced by the monotony of routine. Eventually you get burned out then summer vacation comes.

The whole system was miserable yet once you get over it, you look back with a sense of longing. In retrospect, the troubles that a young me worried about were infinitesimally small compared to the troubles of today. Wasn't it great when you're biggest worry was making a presentation in front of the class or leading the class prayer instead of more adult worries like paying of debts, getting a job or supporting a family?

Calmed me a little; I felt less depressed today. Kinda puts things in perspective. Today seems terrible but there will probably come a time when looking back, now wasn't so bad after all.

I'm not used to such feelings of optimism so right now, I jabbing my thigh with a pen as hard as I can.

Live Forever

I've been reading many articles on the tech trends of today and have found that there's a lot of talk about researching ways to stop or even reverse the aging process. 

It is often said as a joke that the unfortunate side effect of medicine is that people live longer. But what if that joke would no longer hold any truth to it? What if people lived longer but remained in a state of youth; living longer but never aging? Imagine that. Now the millenials of today can be literal millenials.

But if you were offered the chance to live, let's say even just a thousand years, would you take it? It is possible that medicine could reach a point where such can be a reality.

How about forever?

Hot Heat

This thing has always bugged me. You know the song, A Horse With No Name , by the band called America? Well at one point, the lyrics go:

"The heat was hot and the ground was dry but the air was full of sound."

Isn't that a bit redundant? The heat was "hot"?

Anyway, it is freaking hot so you know summer is already here. That's the Philippines for you. If it isn't the torrential rainfall, it's the blistering heat.

Stay hydrated.

Free Breakfast

Nothing irritates me more than reading the newspaper and finding out about McDonald's celebration of "National Breakfast Day". They celebrate by handing out the first thousand Sausage Mcmuffins for free.

"National Breakfast Day"? I celebrate breakfast everyday but now there's a special day for it? It's just some made up thing by McDonald's for publicity.

What irritates me is that there are pictures of people lining up early in the morning for "free" food. The lines are long with people standing around for hours. What a load of crap.

There's no such thing as "free". It's not free because they spent a lot of time lining up and waiting for their "free" food. Time is valuable. To say that they paid nothing for their meal is ridiculous. They could have spent that time doing something else worthwhile. Unless of course, this means that their time is totally worthless such that they can afford to wait hours to eat when they can eat at anytime.

I hate that this stunt by McDonald's is getting more attention than it deserves.

It's A Dog's Life

Our neighbor had a dog named Spring. They took him in one day and I wasn't too keen on the idea. Spring was male but I had two female dogs. I didn't want any more puppies so I managed to have one spayed but I digress.

Spring was a particularly feisty dog. The name suited him. I didn't know where they found him but one thing I noticed was that Spring could stand to be around people but didn't want to be touched or held. He would always recoil from outstretched hands. Perhaps he was a stray used to abusive people but I wasn't sure.

Our neighbors are a small group of security guards. Given their line of work, you couldn't tell exactly who was in the house at any given moment. They clearly worked irregular shifts and the house was just an area to bunk before their jobs. I assumed Spring was taken in as a deterrent against thieves. The house they were occupying was by the gate and outer wall.

One thing that was clear was that Spring wasn't well fed. They fed him scraps at first but it wasn't enough. Spring looked for food elsewhere so it led to him always bringing in garbage from the outside. It got so bad at one point that my mother complained to them personally about the mess. To our surprise, the guard who was there at the time denied that the dog belonged to them. It probably belonged to one of the guards but it wasn't clear who. Again, the house was basically a barracks where whoever could just come in and out. 

Whoever the owner was, he didn't seem to be around anymore or maybe he stopped caring. I suspect that Spring wasn't being fed anymore because the garbage kept piling up and Spring was getting thinner. I felt sorry for him and decided to feed him a little dog food every now and then. Little did I know that this would cause him to bug me to no end. Whenever I arrived, he would jump around and run circles around me until I gave him something. He ate hungrily; almost desperately. My other dogs didn't like it one bit. If dogs could express emotions, envy and indignation were probably it.  "How could I feed a dog that wasn't even mine?" they must have thought.

Spring was annoying but I have to admit he grew on me a little.

One day, Spring didn't come out as usual to beg for food. I found it odd since I was used to it at that point. Then the next day came and still no dog. I thought, somewhat innocently, that they must have taken him somewhere else.

As I came home one night, I asked one of our help about Spring and how I didn't see the dog for days. I didn't think much about the question; it was just small talk. She answered me, rather plainly, that they had Spring killed. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't taken aback by the reply. She tried to tell me the details of how they did it and where they did it and how she couldn't stand to see it but I made it clear I didn't want to hear it. I didn't enjoy my dinner or the rest of the evening.

Why does it bother me so? Spring wasn't my dog after all. A long time ago when our gated area was overrun by stray dogs, we had them taken away. We figured it was a danger to have stray dogs, who were not injected for rabies by the way, running around with all the neighbors having children.I felt a little bad but it had to be done. Did Spring have to die? At worst he was just annoying. The whole affair bothered me a lot. It bothered me so much that I'm writing about this rather insignificant thing when a lot of more important nonsense is happening in our country. After thinking about it a lot, I now know why. 

It just wasn't fair.

All that dog was guilty of was being a dog. It's not his fault why he brought a lot of garbage into the driveway. Maybe if they fed the damn thing, he wouldn't have done so. It just wasn't fair. They brought a dog into their house only to neglect it and then kill it because it was way too much of a bother to buy a sack of dog food every once in a while or maybe tie him up next to a tree.

I don't think any ill of the guards. It was their decision to make. As much as I like the company of dogs, I don't put them on a pedestal like some PETA activist. I felt bad when Jackie died of course, but in the end, a dog is still just a dog. The fact that they have shorter lifespans kind of prepares you for the inevitable and the time after that. Still, I don't know why the fate of some animal could stir such negative feelings in me. That dog was just hungry. It was hungry all the time. Even after you gave him a bowl full of dog food, it was still hungry... for something else maybe.

What a terrible existence.

Time Flies

The holidays are over already?

Holidays pass by so fast while the normal workdays seem to go on and on and on and on....

Plane Crazy

Do you know what I find annoying? CNN.

An AirAsia plane went missing a few days ago and CNN couldn't stop going on about it. The plane was discovered to have crashed into the sea and CNN couldn't stop reporting on it. It seemed nothing else in the entire world mattered except for this one airplane that crashed in the Java Sea.

I know it's a tragedy. I'm not making light of the situation but what irritates me is CNN's obsession with the whole incident. This isn't the first time too. When that Malaysian Airlines plane went missing, CNN couldn't stop reporting about it for a week. I find it a macabre obsession and the cynic in me says that CNN is just milking the drama for all its worth, the vultures that they are. They should just call themselves the Missing Plane Network because that's the only thing they enjoy covering. They hardly say anything new too. They just keep repeating the same bits of information except from different mouths.

"Why are they so obsessed?" I thought. It hit me.

Who are the only people who watch CNN? A few watch CNN by chance when skipping through channels. But my theory is that the vast majority of people who watch CNN, probably a good 95% of viewers, are people trapped against their will in crummy airport terminals. People waiting for their delayed flights are the only people who watch CNN! Of course stories of missing planes would scare them into keeping their eyes glued to the screen. CNN is merely pandering to their demographic! 

I'd like to wish everyone a Happy New Year but I don't want to jump to conclusions.

Left 4get

I played a bit of Left 4 Dead 2 recently to bust some stress. What could relieve stress better than killing zombies?

Boy oh boy, was I wrong. A lot of the people don't play L4D 2 anymore and guess who's left? Noobs, that's who. It was pure horror; friendly fire every second, complete lack of awareness, horrible skills and lots and lots of lag.

I think my blood pressure shot up instead.

Today

Do you ever have on of those days where everything just seems to irritate you?

Today's the day!

Dare To Be Different

One thing I'll never understand about Americans is their obsession over the issue of race. Of course, I have my own opinions but I'm just curious as to why the Americans cannot seem to get over it or look past it.

Granted, racism still exists. But people being racist is one thing, racism as a national institution is quite another. As far as I can tell, institutionalized racism against classes of people is nonexistent. Yet, when it comes to American civil society, it seems to be a cycle of never ending outrage. I'm sure you already heard about that NBA team owner because of course you have.

I'm no American. I don't even live there and all this is coming from the stuff I read which is secondhand so take my words with a grain of salt... or disregard them entirely; that's fine too.

Ever heard of the Social Identity theory? It's a theory suggesting that people identify themselves according to the groups they belong to. A Japanese person identifies himself as Japanese because he's from Japan. Simple, yeah? But Japan is a very homogeneous country. What about countries that are diverse?

Indeed, countries with mixed ethnic groups tend to have a lot of problems. In the Philippines, Muslim separatist groups fight because they do not identify themselves as "Filipinos" as strongly as they do the "Bangsamoro" idea or identity. It's often divisions on cultural, religios and racial lines. The theory of the "American Melting Pot" is that people of different races, creeds or backgrounds can come together and make America great. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts as it were. The American experiment is intriguing. Can common ideals unite everyone or will American society continue to experience friction until it breaks down? Again, grain of salt. I don't know everything but its fun to watch.

I have my own theory; America has finally morphed into a big reality show.

Devil's Workshop

I've been in a grumpy mood lately.

They say an idle mind is a devil's workshop. Some people make trouble when they have nothing else better to do. In my case, I just start to feel edgy. Wonder if it's the same for everyone.

I should take a walk or something.

Slow News Days

You know what bugs me?

Every Holy Week, the local news channels always feel the need to show news reports of people traveling. Traveling! News reports about people boarding buses! Ships leaving port! People going home for the holidays!

This is news? Mass transit is so thrilling, isn't it? All this talk of moving from one place to another is such a turn on.

Sheesh...

Slow Internet

Is the Philippines a nation with a government?

Or is the Philippines a government with a nation?