The third Sunday is down and it's just one more to go. It's pretty much downhill from here. Hmm, maybe "downhill" is the wrong word to use.
I don't like doing this but I'm about to get personal here. If you don't like personal, narcissistic diarrhea that's fine, the close button is usually on the top right of the screen so you can go ahead and click that.
I'll be honest, I think I did OK so far. The problem is, "OK" isn't good enough. The passing rate needs an average of seventy five.
I try to be optimistic but the thought of failure creeps in often. How many Filipinos are there in the Philippines? Ninety-two million or so. How many people are taking the exam? About seven thousand. On average, what's the passing rate? About twenty percent? The odds are slim. People tell me not to talk about failure or even think it. The talking part, I get. People may not want to hear it, especially if that person is a fellow taker. Thoughts are not so easily suppressed.
Don't get me wrong, I'd rather not have to do this bullshit again or come to this stinking place. Perhaps the best course of action is to find new opportunities next year with the thought that this whole Law thing might not pan out.
A few nights ago, I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was finally back at home in my room but something was terribly wrong. I was standing there but I wasn't moving. I was completely unable to move my body. Everything seemed frozen. Time itself stood still and the daylight from the windows were blinding but night never came.
I believe dreams have meaning. If you're into surrealism, dreams are a window to our subconscious thoughts. After much thought, I think I deciphered it. Perhaps it is not failing the bar I'm afraid of but the idea that my life will stop if I don't pass it. The whole thought of life as a single linear road that admits no deviation: be born, go to school, get diploma, pass exam, get job, raise family, die. If I fail the exam, will everything just...stop? With the exam over, what will I do? If I fail, will I have to do this again and again? Will everything just stop and stagnate? Is this all there is? Will it be this way forever? Where the hell am I really going?
It's all ridiculous of course. This exam should not the be the be all, end all but this exam has done nothing but narrow my worldview. All this hype and inflated importance all for a stupid state sponsored board exam. It's gotten to the point that I cannot fathom what I'm going to do with myself if I don't make it; if I make a wrong turn in this miserable one way street. I guess the thought of actually living life and making the most of what happens instead of following the script is a lot more terrifying than any board exam.
Maybe I'm just so bored of it all. All my life has been sitting in a classroom listening to old people tell me how life works. Some of my fellow classmates have had jobs in the past. Some have families and children. I've got nothing but this fucking exam. What's left of my misspent youthful energy is driving me into impatience. I want to live goddammit. I need to get out there but I know everything in my body will resist it. Part of me is always afraid. There is comfort in staying coddled by educational institutions and living the life of a student on someone else's dime. There is comfort in staying a student forever and just going along believing in the false markers for success society has laid out. There is comfort in routine and just going through the motions again and again. The nightmare must not become a reality.
I've spent eight years in college and nothing to show for it but pieces of paper.
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