When I say "bad" movies, what I really mean are movies that are so bad, they become unintentionally funny. It's so bad, it's good! Think of a straight-forward kung-fu movie if you will, ruined by hilariously atrocious dubbing or a movie ruined by piss-poor special effects. Some movies are even intentionally done poorly as a parody of this type of movie. Alas, it grieves me to say that there are some movies that are so bad, it's a holocaust. Movies that are just so bad, they actually leave the taste of shit in your mouth.
Which brings me to the movie, Revenge of the Ninja. It's a rare movie in that it strides the line between the two kinds of bad movies: "so bad it's good" and "so bad, please kill me". Revenge of the Ninja makes me want to slam the door on my nuts but I can't stop watching it for some bizarre reason. Watching this movie hurts me physically but there's just so much "lulz" factor it can't be ignored. It's kind of like a car crash you know, with the chaos and dead bodies yet, people still flock around to see it. But make no mistake, this movie is bad. Really bad. It's badness cannot be quantified. On a scale of one to ten, Revenge of the Ninja comes at negative banana.
Just look at that poster. It does not make a goddamn bit of sense. 400 years of training, 20th Century America? What kind of a tagline is that? There's no cleverness or rhyme with those standards of time. Art of sudden death? Yeah, you will wish you'd die suddenly rather than watch this pile of donkey feces. Why the hell is the ninja throwing caltrops? You throw stars but DROP caltrops you big dummy. And why is he surfing over the city? Why is the master of stealth holding a goddamn flare? My head hurts! Help!OK I'm back from a fifteen minute break to collect my sanity. The movies plot goes something like this: The movie begins with a fucking brutal attack on a peaceful Japanese village by ninjas. Women are hacked and slashed by fake swords repeatedly. A boy even takes a shuriken to the forehead for Christ's sake. Anyway, a mother manages to escape and hides her baby in the forest but stupidly runs back to the village to get killed for some reason. The main character comes along and kills the ninja but is so horrified he swears he wont be ninjaing anymore and takes the child to America. In America he runs a doll gallery with his American friend but the dolls are really a way to smuggle heroin and his friend tries to deal with the mafia and the mafia fight back and then ninjas are behind everything and suddenly there's a Native American assassin and theres a fgsfds ajacjhjviewijhklzxhco;yhoeihrf !!!!
I won't hurt myself explaining the story to this movie so go to wikipedia to look it up or something but please don't watch it unless you're a person of strong mental fortitude and have had eaten a complete breakfast.
Why is it bad? Aside from the stupid plot which I don't even want to remember, It's a poorly done movie. The acting is stiff and terrible. The line delivery is horrible. The special effects are cheap and crappy. I even saw a plastic powder bomb in one scene for where a bullet was supposed to hit. But worst of all is the fight scenes. Dear God...
The fight scenes are slow and badly choreographed. Everyone manages to look stupid even the viewer. This video is only one of the many brain cell killing fight scenes in this movie and I sincerely apologize for sharing it on my blog.
Yet, why do I even watch it? Why am I even blogging about this? I'll tell you why. I have a warped and twisted sense of humor and I derive a sick, twisted, masochistic pleasure from watching car accidents like these. I also blog about it to warn people. If you ever see Revenge of the Ninja in the TV listings avoid it like AIDS. If you're watching some random movie in the middle and suspect, even a little, that it might be Revenge of the Ninja, run as far away as you can just to be on the safe side.
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