Pissed

I had a strange dream that I was in this fancy restaurant. I saw this plate of delicious-looking panna cotta. I knew it wasn't mine but I took it and ate it anyway and told the guy who ordered it that I'd just pay for it. Then the guy was like a Colombian drug lord with his goons or something and that he saw it as an insult. Then, I got nervous and told him I had to use the rest room. Then I woke up because I needed to piss bad.

I'm sure there's a moral lesson somewhere about how stealing is bad.

Keep Digging

You know, cynical people who bemoan government inefficiency often joke that government projects all amount to them digging a hole only to fill it up again.

It seems to be happening right outside my house.

Don't Let Your Guard Down

Indeed.

South Park: The Stick of Truth Review

The Quest to be Cool

I have to admit, I was hesitant to buy this game. South Park: The Stick of Truth faced numerous delays and I feared that it would be a buggy piece of crap. The sixty dollar price tag online was a bit much, too. Thankfully, they were selling it much cheaper in retail here at a little over thirty-five dollars. I am pleased to say that it was a lot better than I expected and that I thoroughly enjoyed this game.

Remember the awful South Park games for the PlayStation? Of course you don't. Forget all of that because South Park: The Stick of Truth is, without a doubt, THE South Park game fans have been waiting for. This game has foul language, scenes of extreme violence and gore, nudity, sexual situations, sodomy and what could be the first interactive abortion mini-game in video game history. In other words, it's the South Park that lives up to its franchise and the game the world needs!

You play as "The New Kid" who just moved into South Park. The player character is essentially a character in a typical episode of South Park. You get to interact with the main cast of: Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny and a whole lot of supporting characters fans are familiar with. The story is about the quest for the "Stick of Truth", a magical "relic" so powerful that whoever wields it, controls the universe.

Gameplay

The game is an RPG where you get to customize your character's appearance and skills. You can choose between four classes: Fighter, Mage, Thief or JEW. Each class has its own hilarious set of skills and skill trees. For example. as a Fighter, you get to practice "Roshambo", the art of kicking people in the balls and stomping them while they're down. As a Jew, you can cut your opponents down to size with the dreaded "Circum-sythe" ability!

 Combat is turn based and simplified. The player controls himself and a buddy, your buddies being the main characters of the show. Each character may perform two actions per turn but attacking or using an class ability will end all actions for that character. It is efficient to use an item as your first move, then attack for your second move instead of attacking immediately.

When the player uses abilities, certain key prompts will appear on the screen. For example, when performing even a basic attack, the weapon will "flash" at a certain moment. The player must press either the left mouse button for a series of attacks, or the right mouse button for a power attack. Whenever the enemy attacks, a white circle will appear under the player character to prompt the player to press the right mouse button in order to block the attack. This greatly mitigates the damage done to the player.

Enemies have tricks up their sleeves too. Enemies in the front column protect the ones in the back. Some enemies are ARMORED, which reduces the damage received from each attack according to the armor value. Therefore, against armored opponents, the player should use abilities to reduce the armor and attack using a single powerful strike instead of a series of small attacks. On the flip side, some enemies are SHIELDED, which means that they will completely negate all attacks received per shield value; even special abilities, Against shielded targets, a series of attacks is best to wear the shield down to nothing instead of wasting single, powerful attacks. Some enemies also go into stances. RIPOSTING means that they counter all melee attacks while REFLECTING counters all ranged attacks.

There's also status effects in this game. "Gross out" is a damage-over-time debuff that blocks healing. There's also your usual, "stunned", "sleeping", "on fire" and "screwed", which is certain death after a few turns. Inflicting these status conditions on enemies is the key to victory.

Thoughts

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, the constant key prompts help keep the player engaged with the things happening on the screen. It helps things from getting too boring.

The mechanics are solid. There's great potential here to make the combat deeper in terms of strategy. Unfortunately, the game doesn't go all the way with it. While the game isn't too easy, it doesn't provide a real challenge either. I think the problem lies in that items are just too plentiful and money to buy stuff like equipment is just too easy to get.

Story

I cannot say much about the story because that would ruin it. I don't want to spoil the fun. What I can say however is that South Park: The Stick of Truth is one of those games that's all about its story. It survives on its narrative which is kind of a problem in a way.

If you're a South Park fan, you will love the hell out of this game. The South Park brand of humor is definitely here in all its outrageous and offensive glory. The bigger a fan you are, the more enjoyment you'll get out of this game with all the references to past episodes and the chance to play in an actual episode of the show.

However, if you don't like South Park or don't "get" the show at all, you probably won't like this game. Needless to say, the squeamish and easily offended types should just skip this game.

Conclusion

If you're a true fan of the show, this game is a must-have. It has everything a fan could want. If you're concerned with the game mechanics, it's passable enough. If you like the show and video games, well it's just perfect.

If you don't like the show or don't care for it, the gameplay alone probably won't hook you into it.

A warning though; if you decide to buy this game, make sure to check what version you're getting. The Australian version for example, has scenes and certain parts of the game censored. My version is the Australian one. It's annoying but I guess it wouldn't be South Park without some bullshit censorship. I play on PC anyway so I'm sure some mod is out there to remove the censorship screens. Please check your version before buying.

Even the censorship is hilarious too.

Please Click

PLDC

The internet has been unstable lately. They say it's because of a problem with the underwater cables or something.

Yeah, riiiiight.....

Time For Some Pro Wrestling Related MADtv

Wrestlemania XXX: Thoughts and Predictions

It's Wrestlemania time, Brotherdudejack!

Though I don't write about it often, I'm a fan of pro wrestling. I watch mostly WWE stuff unfortunately. I'd like to get into Japanese pro wrestling if I can but I digress. It's almost the big one, people! This Sunday is Wrestlemania XXX, celebrating thirty years of wholesome, simulated violence! Here's a run-down of the card and my personal thoughts and predictions. 

Tag Team Championships

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. Real Americans vs. "Rybaxel"(?)

It's a shame that this Fatal Four-way Match for the Tag Team Championship is on the pre-show. I like tag team matches but I don't like how the WWE's philosophy seems to be either to put random strangers into a team because they have nothing else to do, or to  split up teams as soon as the faint possibility exists of making one of them a solo star. Just some time ago, they broke up the Prime Time Players all of a sudden for no reason and nothing good came of it.

I think the The Usos are going to win simply because they've been working real hard for  the past year and I just can't see the other teams winning the straps. Los Matadores are a joke. "Rybaxel", the team of Ryback and Curtis Axel, have no momentum whatsoever. There's nothing about them that screams, "We have a chance!".

The Real Americans, Jack Swagger and Cesaro, would have had the best chance of winning were it not for the signs that the company is going to push Cesaro as a solo performer. I like Cesaro. Cesaro is ridiculously strong and very skilled in the ring. He makes his partner, Jack Swagger, look like an uncoordinated jackass in comparison. Why force it? If they're gonna break Cesaro out soon, why win the titles?

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Speaking of giving people something to do...

I like how this is a tribute to Andre the Giant and that the winner gets his own Andre the Giant bronze statue or something. The name of this event has that grandiose charm to it. I wish they would have plugged this more though, to make it seem even more important.

So who's gonna win? There are five potential winners based on who appeared in the shows leading up to this: Alberto Del Rio, Christian, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler and The Big Show. The rest have NO CHANCE! THAT'S WHAT THEY GOT....

I want Christian to win because I'm a fan. But let's get real here, they're not gonna give Christian this. Alberto Del Rio's contract is almost up so they're not gonna give a win to a guy who's on his way out. Dolph Ziggler isn't gonna win because the WWE really loves shitting on Dolph Ziggler fans. Sheamus? Maybe.

The cynic in me says that The Big Show is gonna win simply because he's a "giant" himself like Andre. I can't stand The Big Show. His booking is all over the place. One week he's a tough guy but in the next week, he's a crybaby. He's a badass in one episode and then comes out wearing a diaper in the next. For God's sake, please don't let him win.

Vickie Guerrero's Divas Championship Invitationals

If the WWE doesn't care about their female division, I'm not going to care either.

 The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

You've done it now...

Normally, I would be hyped for the annual "Will the streak be broken?" Undertaker match but they really screwed up the build for this one.

Look, the Undertaker's undefeated streak in Wrestlemania is larger-than-life now. Every intelligent Jew fan in the world knows that Brock Lesnar doesn't deserve to win and will not win this Sunday. The fun though, lies in the story being told. We need to believe that Brock Lesnar has a chance to beat Undertaker and end the streak once and for all.

The Undertaker is old. Every man has his limits. You look at the Undertaker and you see a man who has beaten himself up for decades and has sacrificed his flesh, blood and bones for the business. And then you look at Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar the "Next Big Thing". Brock Lesnar the former MMA Champion. Brock "Here Comes the Pain" Lesnar the BEAST INCARNATE. Brock Lesnar who's younger, faster and in way better physical shape than the Undertaker.

The Undertaker should have looked vulnerable for once. That would have been compelling. Instead, we were given the usual druids and coffins and "mind games" bullcrap. Lesnar looked "scared" and weak. I dunno. I know that's the standard Undertaker build up but I just thought that making Brock dominant would have been way better. Have Brock beat up the druids and destroy the casket. Have him look like a super serious threat to the streak. It would make Undertaker look more like the legend he is when he transcends even his own physical limitations to earn a hard fought victory. Then he would truly be the "Phenom".

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

(My Preferred Outcome)

 Let's just get this out of the way here. I don't like Cena and when I say that, I mean John Cena as a character. I hate the John Cena character. I think he's stale, boring and not that good. I don't think he deserves to be the face of the company but this really deserves its own column. Let's talk about this match.

When you look at the roster now, you'd come to the realization that Bray Wyatt is the only true "monster" left in the WWE. Kane has gone "Corporate Kane" and The Undertaker is untouchable in his own universe. Bray Wyatt is the only truly menacing character left and he's the future, man.

A win here would solidify his character as a major threat and that's very important for the sole monster of the roster. A loss here would be a major blow to his credibility. After all, he already got outsmarted by Daniel Bryan in their feud last year. A loss here, despite all the great promos and mind games against John Cena, would make Bray look like a fool who can't get the job done.

Cena on the other hand, doesn't need a win. If Cena wins, then what? What more does he have left to prove? The man has done it all. In the big picture, a victory here doesn't really mean much in his list of accomplishments. It's not like there's a title on the line. The smart decision would be to lose and help Bray establish himself as the top heel.

But since this is the WWE and John Cena we're talking about here, my prediction is that Bray Wyatt loses and becomes a comedy jobber having meaningless matches against Fandango and Kofi Kingston for the rest of the year.

The Shield vs. The New Age Outlaws and Kane

Dean Face

The Shield are gonna win and you better believe that. They're too awesome an act to job to these geezers.

Still, I have my doubts if feuding with NAO and Kane will be fun. Can the Shield work a good match with them? I know Kane can pull off some cool stuff but... yeah.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H 

 Batista vs Randy Orton vs. (Daniel Bryan or Triple H)

Two interconnected matches and two different scenarios here.

Dream Scenario A: Daniel Bryan finally defeats Triple H, symbolizing the victory of the fans over the oppressive "authority" but not before sustaining a tremendous beating. He then limps into the triple threat match and defeats Batista and Randy Orton after an epic struggle. He wins the belts to thunderous applause and the entire arena chants in unison, "YES!", "YES!", "YES!"

Nightmare Scenario B: Triple H stomps Daniel Bryan in eight seconds then orders Batista and Randy Orton to man up, take their pedigrees and lay down their lives for the business. Triple HHH pins them both, wins the Championship and proceeds to literally fling his own feces at the audience while laughing maniacally.

I'm going with Scenario A because I really believe the crowd will actually riot if Daniel Bryan doesn't win and despite everything, I'm sure the WWE, at least, care about their own LIVES enough to avoid that.

Conclusion

I think this Wrestlemania is gonna be average. I'm really not feeling it but I gotta be optimistic.

It's gonna suck, isn't it?