The Witcher TV Series (Part 02)

So Geralt is taken to Witcher school to become a killing machine whose gonna fight monsters until the day he dies. It's awesome and depressing. Geralt is given robes and shit and is lumped up with other children to learn sword fighting, horseback riding and monster slaying. The elders sneak into his bedroom while he's sleeping and ask the old dude for his thoughts on their young prospect. Now, the weird pedophile vibes of sneaking into a child's bedroom aside, the old dude remarks that Geralt is unusually brave in that Geralt managed not to shit himself in fear during the trip to Kaer Morhen.

Ah, yes. The mother cursed Geralt to fail at becoming a Witcher. At this point, I began wondering. If your child was gonna be dragged off to become a Witcher and that's the way it has to be, why would you curse your own child to fail? I mean, why not wish him to succeed? It's not like you're given a Witcher board exam and failing it, you can have another go next year. The price of failure is pretty much death; die or become a Witcher. We learn that this is because Witchers undergo a "changing process" and are exposed to chemicals and poisons to build up their resistances and mutate them into super soldiers. The mother was stupid.

A Witcher council of sorts convenes and we learn that the Witchers have fallen on hard times. Some Witchers end up going rogue and have to be put down. Many witchers die in the line of duty. Worse, they're losing them faster than they can replace since four out of five boys die in the changing process. Speaking of which...

Geralt, as you can see above, is put through the process. They chain him on top of a stone slab and put burning God-knows-what on his skin while he's screaming in pain. It's hard to watch this show and not get creepy pedo-vibes. I mean, a bunch of old men kidnapping boys and taking them into their caves, chaining them on stone slabs and experimenting on their bodies? Anyway, Geralt proves to be a tougher than most and they decide to crank up the torture. Meanwhile, Geralt gets a vision of his mom encouraging him to fight on.

It's good that Geralt's mom is helping him survive but I thought his mom wanted him to fail? If she wanted him to not become a Witcher, his mom should be telling him to succumb to the pain and die like a chump. But Geralt is too badass for that as we all know.

The elder talks with the chief man in charge of the process and expresses his frustrations. Apparently, the Witchers are divided into two groups: the priests and the actual Witchers (footsoldiers basically). The elder thinks that Witchers should be more than just killing machines that either fight or die. A Witcher should also be honorable, like a knight, and "coexist with humans", whatever the hell he meant by that. I know Witchers are some kind of mutant that people don't even consider as humans. The bottom line is that Geralt is some sort of prototype Witcher they're making that's better than everyone. That's all. Maybe ordinary Witchers don't have social skills or something.


Meanwhile, there's a scene with two guys who look like Witchers and they're riding up the hill with a carriage full of supplies. A bunch of cowards with bows start firing on them from the woods. A sane man would try to escape such a hopeless situation but not our Witchers. Earlier, we are told that Witchers see bows and crossbows as "dishonorable" and stick to swords. Crossbows? I can understand the dishonorable argument against crossbows since there's some truth to it in history but bows too? Whatever. So despite being outnumbered and facing foes with ranged weaponry firing from superior, elevated and covered positions, the Witchers charge into the woods and sheath their swords into the enemy's bowels despite taking a million arrows on the way. No wonder Witchers have a population problem. Stupid? Yes. Awesome? Definitely.

Now that the "pain phase" is done, they put Geralt into the "poison phase". It involves flooding his body with toxins and infections. Eww. Geralt becomes lethargic so the head medicine guy calls for TRIPLE SPIDER VENOM. Gwidon, the head of the warrior class of Witchers (I think), comes in to check. You know, I'm beginning to suspect that these guys don't really know what they're doing and are just putting whatever nasty stuff they can find like bleach or something, into Geralt to see what happens. Maybe they really did put bleach because Geralt's hair is now snow white. His pupils also change to that of a cat. During the test, Geralt called for his mother which for Gwidon, was completely unacceptable behavior for a child close to death to do. Then...

PEDO VIBES

Later that evening, Gwidon bitches to the head priest about Geralt calling for his mom. Gwidon demands the "test of dreams" to be performed. He and the priest also bicker about the sorry state of affairs of Witchers in general and there's friction between the two. Gwidon wants to do some shit against the code or whatever. Honestly, I don't understand. All I know is that Gwidon's a prick who wants to do stuff his way.

The next morning the heavily wounded sole survivor of the ambush arrives. He explains that they were ambushed by hungry Elves who wanted their food. Despite bleeding heavily and struggling to even stand, Gwidon wastes no time in accusing the survivor of cowardice by "fleeing" the ambush. It's like death is the only option for these people. The survivor answers his accusations by unloading a sack containing the heads of the Elves that attacked the caravan. This impresses everyone which is too bad because the survivor dies on the spot after that. Maybe instead of accusing him of cowardice, they should have helped him stop the bleeding or something. Just saying.


In the test of dreams, the druid reveals that Geralt's mind is full of images of a woman and that this could mean that Geralt might be into women when he grows up. No shit. Have you played The Witcher 2? There was a four minute sex scene in it. So yeah. Geralt might be into chicks but thank God, right? I mean, Geralt had a bunch of bad things done to him by a bunch of old guys in a cave, being attracted to women is a good outcome. The druid doesn't think much of it and this sort of pleases Gwidon.

Later, Gwidon wants to take revenge against the Elves. The elder priest doesn't allow it because the Elves only did it out of desperation. Everyone is starving. Besides, it was only done by a small band of rogue Elves and they shouldn't antagonize the people of the old blood. Gwidon get's a little pissed. Gwidon demands Geralt take the "test of the mountains". Wow, Gwidon likes to take his anger out on Geralt doesn't he? The test involves sending Geralt into the "wastes" to survive for a week. Yeah, just send an emaciated child into the frozen wasteland where a hundred things could kill him in his sleep. Being a Witcher ain't easy. The elder tells the old dude to see Geralt off and give him some survival tips.

The old dude gives Geralt some practical advice on what drugs... I mean, what weed... herbs to smoke/chew if he gets hypothermia or frostbite etcetera. None of that pussy Man vs. Wild bullshit here, just ancient Witcher knowlege. Not that Geralt needs it. Geralt immediately, almost magically, carves himself a bow and manages to catch fish for himself. This must be easy mode for him.

Will Geralt survive the test of the mountains? (Spoiler: Yes) Will Gwidon do something stupid?

More to come.

The Witcher TV Series (Part 01)

I've played the kickass game and now I'm NOT going to read the book! Instead, I'm going to review (the first episode at least) the TV series of The Witcher, which is apparently a big f-ing deal in Eastern Europe. This show has got it all: kidnapping, katanas, horseback riding, funky stock music, elf killing, wolves, torturing children, TRIPLE spider venom and more!

The intro features Geralt, pictured above, wading knee-deep into a swamp while funky stock music plays in the background. Suddenly, tentacles grab him and he's fighting for his life. For a moment, Geralt let the swamp monster actually believe it had a chance before ripping it a new asshole because he's Geralt, a Witcher. Witchers are badass monster slayers and they probably wade into swamps just for fun to see what hideous monster they'll step on.

But that was just an intro. Today's episode is "Chapter One: Childhood". By the way, I have only the lightest knowlege of The Witcher lore but I'll do my best to make sense of everything.

So little boy Geralt (obviously) is just minding his goddamn business practicing archery and hitting casual bullseyes when this old dude rides up to his house and starts eyeing him. So Geralt did what any child should do and ran inside to get his father. It is revealed that the old dude is a Witcher from Kaer Morhem and the father was once saved from a pack of gay werewolves by a Witcher named Tornwald. So the father owed his life to the Witcher and "swore that he would give the thing he will find when coming home", which was Geralt.

Now, like you, I was incredibly confused about what all of this meant so I actually did a bit o' research in a Witcher Wiki and found that the setup is called the "Law of Surprise - a custom as old as humanity itself, is the price a man who saves another can demand. It is a request for something which neither the saviour nor the saved knows the nature of, until the saved man returns home. Typically this ends up being a child born while the father was away and more often than not, a boy..." So there you have it. Tornwald saved the father's sorry ass so in gratitude, the father swore to give the Witchers his only son WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING he was giving the Witchers his only son. Wow, that sucks.

The mother, of course, wanted none of it and tried reasoning with the old dude. Daddy, in a fit of stupidity, even tries to get the jump on a freaking Witcher and ends up getting a knife up to his throat, ready to spill his blood all over porch. Add that to the list of stupid things the father has done. He's a Witcher you dumbass, he means business!

Surprisingly, Geralt seems pretty chill for a child being kidnapped and agrees to go along with the dude in exchange for him not slitting his dad like a pig. The mother then utters some kind of curse that Geralt can never be a Witcher so long as she is by his side. Geralt's mom is a sorceress or something. I don't know what that means but I'm sure it's important. I'll be damned if I do research to see what she meant. Geralt rides with the dude and even cracks jokes on the way. Children are so innocent aren't they?

So just like that, Geralt is off to Witcher school and I'll continue this hour-long episode tomorrow.

Working Out Is Pretty Gay

I work out in a gym and as much as I try to lose weight, it's been pretty hard since there always seems to be chocolate in the fridge just when you think the last batch is gone. Anyway, working out is pretty gay.

One time, I was on a treadmill and what was showing on the TV in front of me? Twilight. Not the first one mind you, but the other one with the werewolves. That movie was the gayest thing ever. You had this Jacob fellow all ripped and tan, followed by his werewolf posse who are all also ripped and tan. They don't wear shirts ever. Even if the setting is a cold and rainy place, they don't wear shirts. They're bare-chested all the time. It was so homoerotic that thinking manly thoughts like spearfishing and alligator wrestling couldn't dull the pain.

The other guys on the machines next to me were all squirming, looking at the roof and shit, pretending not to watch. Oh yes, we tried to watch the other TV screens of CNN where some shit was happening somewhere we don't care about or the sports channel where table tennis athletes were playing with their little balls but it was no use. It was a combination of morbid curiosity and trickery. "Hey, that was kinda cool. He turned into a wolf and- aww no, it's naked men again! I've been duped!"

And that wasn't the end of it. While I was on the strength machines pretending that what I was lifting was heavy, Justin Beiber started playing on the speakers. Whoever chose the playlist for the gym deserves to be sued. Yes, sued. He should be sued because playing Justin Beiber while a man is lifting weights causes him to actually lose vital manly strength and risk injuring or even killing himself.

After the workout/torture session, I went to the locker room to get my stuff. So there I was, minding my own business when suddenly, this foreigner comes in with his dick flapping about in the wind. I looked away so quickly, my eyeballs spun to the back of my head. I know foreigners have a different sense of privacy in locker rooms but I had a conservative Christian upbringing Goddamn it. And how gross is the thought that the bench you're sitting on could have been the one some bare-assed fat American left a stain on.

They want me to lose weight by vomiting in disgust?

X-Men

Oh man, this brings back memories. As a kid, I used to think that the X-Men cartoons were the best thing ever.

Today, Star Movies had a little marathon of X-Men movies and I gotta say, they suck. I just don't like them, especially that one starring only Wolverine. That Wolverine movie was so bad, my mind blocked out the memory of seeing it in the theatre.

Anyway, I can't understand why the movies couldn't just have been about mutants kicking tremendous amounts of ass. No, we got to bring in this whole crap about mutant discrimination and political bullshit. I know X-Men has this whole "tolerance" thing about it but it just doesn't work with me. As much as the writers would like us to compare treatment of mutants to that of discrimination against say, homosexuals or another oppressed group, I don't buy it simply because last I checked, gays don't shoot lazers out of their eyes that can wipe out a small town. Imagine if people had the powers you see in the movies like shooting fireballs or mind-control. Putting these people under control is an entirely reasonable point of view to have and is not founded on some kind of irrational bigotry. Lock 'em all up, I say. I wouldn't want anyone who can throw lightning bolts anywhere near me.

Mutants out!

ASEAN Talks Fail

China has an army large enough to wipe the Philippines off the planet. This dispute over the Scarborough Shoal ain't looking so good for us. Kinda makes you wish we didn't get so uppity back in the nineties and kick our only superpower ally, America, out of the Philippines huh? That's what misguided nationalism gets you.

For all our sakes, I hope the President and his people know what they're doing.

Brain Bowl

Recently, Mayor Rama said that he will not enforce the Motorcycle Helmet Act because it is "anti-poor". The new act requires motorcycle riders to wear certified helmets or face a fine of P1,000 to P3,000 or less than six months of prison or both if the court judge is in a really bad mood.

Now, aside from the troubling notion of the executive choosing which laws he will or will not enforce, I think this new law is pretty stupid. Of all the ways the government can do to improve road safety, they had to choose the one that's burdensome to the citizen and hard to enforce. It's bad enough that many riders don't wear helmets at all and get away with it, but now you gotta wear a helmet that's government approved with a sticker slapped on the side of it. I bet this sticker won't be free either.

Look, I know many riders wear the wrong helmets. Helmets like a construction workers helmet is inadequate to protect your face and neck. A bicycle helmet can't handle the kind of speed and impact motorcycles get into. The wrong helmet serves no purpose except to be a neat bowl for your brain when they scrape what's left of you from the pavement. But for God's sake, can't you put up a damn poster showing the correct type of helmet and enforce that? Just give out general guidelines on what an ideal motorcycle helmet should do like cover the whole head and neck and have a clear visor. I don't get why you need to get the damn bureaucrats involved with their lists of approved brands and get people to line up to get stickers and approval to wear a helmet they bought. Just tell them to buy a motorcycle helmet. That's it. Is there some kind of motorcycle helmet scam or something where the Chinese are selling fake Styrofoam helmets? There isn't and even if there were, it's a problem with sellers not riders.

I really wish government always took the least inconvenient route for citizens whenever it tries to "fix" things because it always stinks of a money-making scam here in the Philippines. The trend is always towards the heavy handed approach where we just stick fines here and there and have some government drone give you approval of what brand helmet you can buy. Just catch people not wearing motorcycle helmets. Period. That's what they should be doing in the first place and are failing at too, sad to say. Catching people wearing motorcycle helmets that don't have the governments seal of purity on them is just pushing it too much in the wrong direction. It's an unnecessary burden.

This reminds me of the time when motorcycle assassins used to roam the streets of Cebu, gunning down whoever and escaping scot-free. The killers wore motorcycle helmets so nobody could see their faces. So what kind of solutions do you think the politicos upstairs came up with? Why, there was a proposal to ban motorcycle helmets altogether! I guess it's better for people to die in accidents than to be murdered, forcing the police to have to do actual work to catch the killers. It's that kind of genius thinking that makes me wonder how we managed to survive as a nation this long.

By the way, always wear the right helmet and worry about government stupidity later.

Sick

I've got a bad cold today.

I really need to take better care of myself.

Manhandled

I bought a new keyboard today. It's a sleek little thing that takes up way less space than my previous keyboard. It's just a damn shame I have such large hands.

I better get used to it.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

It's been a while since I've gone to the theatre. Going to the theatre ends up ruining the movie because people talk. Worse, they talk about dumb shit. Worse still, is when people talk aloud just to point out obvious crap. Still, This movie was worth seeing and I ended up having a lot of fun.

"ALVP" is a movie about Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth President of the United States. He was a self-educated lawyer, statesman and hero who led his country through a terrible civil war nearly tore it apart. He was a great orator who gave memorable speeches that are still studied today, and is a beloved figure in American history. Also, he hunted vampires.

Obviously, the premise was so outrageous, I went in expecting "epic" crap to happen. What I got instead was even better. The movie is played straight- very straight. There's no tongue in cheek stuff and no "Get it!?" *wink* stuff. It is played like it was an actual historic retelling of the life of Abraham Lincoln except that he slew undead in addition to being President. The movie is in your face and insisting that this is really what happened. It's so serious, it's twice as funny.

The first half of the movie feels a bit slow because you're adjusting to the kind of movie it is. In the second half, when Abe puts on his hat and grows a beard, it hits the roof and becomes awesome. This movie does have its epic moments so if that's what you're expecting, you will get some too.

All in all, the movie was great. It was done like a legitimate movie and even had dramatic moments. This, coupled with the insane premise, makes it an enjoyable movie.

Go watch it.

This Is All, This Is All

Wut

This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

First of all, wouldn't it be messy having the cheese on top? Just imagine putting your grubby, dirty, ass-scratching fingers on a sticky, gooey bun. How are they going to wrap this in paper?

Secondly, what damn difference does it make if the cheese is on top? I don't think it would be so radically different from having the cheese in the middle. The cheese in the middle...gee, what a novel concept.

How about a burger where the meat is on top, buns in the middle and cheese in the end? There. Fire the clown who made this up and hire me. I'll make the first meat-bun-cheese burger on the planet. (My idea;Pls dnt steal lololol /sarc)

What a load of crap.

Not So Amazing

There's a new Spider-Man movie! Ayala Cinemas have devoted all four theatres to it so obviously, at least they think its a big deal. I don't buy the bullshit.

I mean, really? Wasn't that first movie with Toby Maguire enough? That first movie was perfect but apparently, they're going to do it again. "Hey! Let's make a movie nobody asked for!"

At first I thought Hollywood had finally, definitively run out of original ideas. Later, I read that they are making this movie just so that Sony can retain the movie rights to Spider Man in the future which, doesn't sound very reassuring. If this movie is just to retain rights then what are the odds they're just gonna phone it in and half-ass it.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks promising for a few laughs.

Bow My Head And Wonder Why

There's something I need to get off my chest.

I like America (the band) and I actually went to see them when they came to the Waterfront Hotel a few years back. They're an old band and folk music isn't so popular nowadays but ever since I was a young boy, I listened to their songs on a casette tape almost everytime we rode the car.

Anyway, there's this song called, A Horse With No Name. I'm sure you've heard of it and its the probably the most well known song of America. But there's this particular part which disturbs me.

On the first part of the journey,

I was looking at all the life.

There were plants and birds. and rocks and things,

There was sand and hills and rings.

The first thing I met, was a fly with a buzz,

And the sky, with no clouds.

The heat was hot, and the ground was dry,

But the air was full of sound.

The song is catchy so you probably missed it. But one afternoon when I had nothing to do, I hummed this song to myself and it hit me. The HEAT was HOT? Wait a minute, hold the phone and stop the presses. How could this happen? What kind of bullshit is that? The heat was hot? Isn't that redundant? So there's a heat that's not hot? Hey! I can't believe they missed this. These lyrics don't make sense. I liked this song, now it's ruined. After all these years , it's been a cruel lie.

God damn this sinful earth.