I don't know why I play World of Warcraft anymore.
Everyone else is gone and the guild seems dead. Anyway, I still have a few days left in my account so I've been running the new dungeons and crap Blizzard has served to its slaves, I mean, loyal customers.
The deal is that the Troll race wants to unite and reclaim their ancestral lands and become a super empire like they were in the old days of Azeroth. Of course, you must stop them because this is a role playing game and you have no choice in the matter. Hahaha. Just kidding?
Honestly I felt like the bad guy in the story.
Since the guild is empty in the morning when my Internet is most reliable, I have to use the Dungeon Finder, a neat little feature Blizzard added that groups you with four random players with varying degrees of intelligence, consciousness and sanity but almost always lacking basic courtesy, and sends all five of you off to a dungeon where you'll all hopefully, somehow survive against all odds. Think of it like a scientist tossing five mutated and drugged hamsters into a cage to see how they'd interact only to throw a cobra inside and see if one of them can distract it by getting killed while the others bite it in the ass.
So I'm whisked away into Blizzards shiny new dungeons to fight monsters to earn shinier stuff. Actually "new" may be the wrong word since the "new" dungeons are rehashes of two older dungeons but eh... ah, screw it. They could have used the word "remastered" or "remade" at least, like how Hollywood does with old classic films. Those always turn out swell, huh?
So there I was with four other exceptional individuals in a "remastered" dungeon where nobody knew what each boss did, where to go or how right was different from left. I'm a tank by the way. To those uninitiated in dungeon crawling, a tank's job is to draw the enemy's attention away from toilet paper armored wizards. I soak damage efficiently while the other players go about their business. I'm a tampon basically. I got a healer with the stupid pvp gear, the silent guy who you hope to God can at least understand English, Sir Derpsalot from the server of Hurpaderp and Mr.Epicgears who's does damage like throwing marshmallows at an elephant. Stay with me folks, this is gonna be ranty. I ain't even going to post pictures or a video.
When I tank for strangers, I expect the worst. I expect the scrappers to attack the wrong target. I expect the healer to disconnect at any moment. I expect a crisis to occur at any second. My fingers ready to press the "Oh, Shit!" buttons at a moments notice. This is the only way to play if you spend majority of your time in dungeons with inmates from an asylum but I like tanking. I like tanking in the same way people enjoy being whipped and cutting themselves to feel alive. I consider myself a good tank. It's not arrogance, its just that the standard is set really low, you know? It's really not saying much looking at the people who think, just by equipping a shield, immediately think they know what they're doing and boss me around. I play as a scrapper too by the way, just to see how the other tanks do their jobs and pick up some tricks. I learn nothing.
OK so we're on this boss right? This boss has two bullshit, haxx abilities; he summons a fucking bird that fucking kidnaps someone and summons a lightning storm. Its pretty simple to deal with. The bird must die as fast as possible and we should all stand in the "eye" of the electrical storm to avoid damage. Sounds easy? Well here's how it went; The bird swoops down and kidnaps Mr.Epicgears and nobody notices since the boss isn't dying any slower anyway. I tell Sir Derpsalot to shoot the bird. I'd do it myself if I was the one holding the goddamn crossbow. Sir Derpsalot pulls through and rescues a frazzled Mr.Epicgears who promptly continues being useless. The silent guy was busy doing...something. The healer was just standing there healing which is too bad since the electrical storm cooked him to a crispy golden brown. He should have moved. I mean, there's a lot of movement in pvp why can't he do the same here? Even Derpsalot stood in the eye but it might have been purely by accident. With the healer dead and the boss not even halfway done, I guess there was nothing to do but wait for the inevitable. Our sad tale ends when Derpsalot was kidnapped by an eagle and Epicgears, the man he had rescued before, coldheartedly denied him the same favor. I died, Epicgears died, Silent Bob tried to heroically retreat but died and the eagle ate Derpsalot's liver. The end.
Haha, no, it's not the end. We resurrected and restarted the encounter like the good little tools we were and tried again. We eventually killed the boss but there were like five more to go. I wish I could share more of my tales but I kind of spaced out. I had entered the zone. It's the zone where every part of your brain shuts down except the ones that are needed to breath and play WoW. I don't know how, but we did it, we finished the dungeon. Its all a blur to me. I can't remember how we did it but I'm sure there was a lot of crying involved. All I know is that somehow, against all odds, we succeeded. We celebrated our glorious victory with rounds of "ty for gruop" and "gj" and then argued bitterly about dividing the loot and that's when Silent Bob started fucking talking. Somewhere in a dark, underground laboratory, a Blizzard developer was staring at a monitor, watching us, his subjects, triumph in his virtual skinner box as he began pleasuring himself...
Enough tales. The new dungeons are pretty alright. The boss mechanics are actually challenging and require people to use more of their brain. If you were fans of the old versions of the dungeons then I guess an additional boss mechanic won't mean much. What other shit did they do? Oh yeah.
To encourage people to tank with the mentally challenged, Blizzard is offering special goody bags for us. See, there's always a shortage of tanks in the meat grinder, I mean, dungeon finder. To remedy this, they're offering special goodies if we que up when there's a tank shortage which is always. Simple time, its a BRIBE. Same goes for healers. If there's a healer shortage, they get the bags. If there's a shortage of damage dealers blizzard will give them the bag and a complimentary flying pig mount because that ain't gonna happen.
What else? New quests? Lol sure. Oh yeah, there's some kind of new system to earn currency. Whatever. I hate math. Google it if it interests you. That's about it then.
Somebody shoot me.
Everyone else is gone and the guild seems dead. Anyway, I still have a few days left in my account so I've been running the new dungeons and crap Blizzard has served to its slaves, I mean, loyal customers.
The deal is that the Troll race wants to unite and reclaim their ancestral lands and become a super empire like they were in the old days of Azeroth. Of course, you must stop them because this is a role playing game and you have no choice in the matter. Hahaha. Just kidding?
Honestly I felt like the bad guy in the story.
Since the guild is empty in the morning when my Internet is most reliable, I have to use the Dungeon Finder, a neat little feature Blizzard added that groups you with four random players with varying degrees of intelligence, consciousness and sanity but almost always lacking basic courtesy, and sends all five of you off to a dungeon where you'll all hopefully, somehow survive against all odds. Think of it like a scientist tossing five mutated and drugged hamsters into a cage to see how they'd interact only to throw a cobra inside and see if one of them can distract it by getting killed while the others bite it in the ass.
So I'm whisked away into Blizzards shiny new dungeons to fight monsters to earn shinier stuff. Actually "new" may be the wrong word since the "new" dungeons are rehashes of two older dungeons but eh... ah, screw it. They could have used the word "remastered" or "remade" at least, like how Hollywood does with old classic films. Those always turn out swell, huh?
So there I was with four other exceptional individuals in a "remastered" dungeon where nobody knew what each boss did, where to go or how right was different from left. I'm a tank by the way. To those uninitiated in dungeon crawling, a tank's job is to draw the enemy's attention away from toilet paper armored wizards. I soak damage efficiently while the other players go about their business. I'm a tampon basically. I got a healer with the stupid pvp gear, the silent guy who you hope to God can at least understand English, Sir Derpsalot from the server of Hurpaderp and Mr.Epicgears who's does damage like throwing marshmallows at an elephant. Stay with me folks, this is gonna be ranty. I ain't even going to post pictures or a video.
When I tank for strangers, I expect the worst. I expect the scrappers to attack the wrong target. I expect the healer to disconnect at any moment. I expect a crisis to occur at any second. My fingers ready to press the "Oh, Shit!" buttons at a moments notice. This is the only way to play if you spend majority of your time in dungeons with inmates from an asylum but I like tanking. I like tanking in the same way people enjoy being whipped and cutting themselves to feel alive. I consider myself a good tank. It's not arrogance, its just that the standard is set really low, you know? It's really not saying much looking at the people who think, just by equipping a shield, immediately think they know what they're doing and boss me around. I play as a scrapper too by the way, just to see how the other tanks do their jobs and pick up some tricks. I learn nothing.
OK so we're on this boss right? This boss has two bullshit, haxx abilities; he summons a fucking bird that fucking kidnaps someone and summons a lightning storm. Its pretty simple to deal with. The bird must die as fast as possible and we should all stand in the "eye" of the electrical storm to avoid damage. Sounds easy? Well here's how it went; The bird swoops down and kidnaps Mr.Epicgears and nobody notices since the boss isn't dying any slower anyway. I tell Sir Derpsalot to shoot the bird. I'd do it myself if I was the one holding the goddamn crossbow. Sir Derpsalot pulls through and rescues a frazzled Mr.Epicgears who promptly continues being useless. The silent guy was busy doing...something. The healer was just standing there healing which is too bad since the electrical storm cooked him to a crispy golden brown. He should have moved. I mean, there's a lot of movement in pvp why can't he do the same here? Even Derpsalot stood in the eye but it might have been purely by accident. With the healer dead and the boss not even halfway done, I guess there was nothing to do but wait for the inevitable. Our sad tale ends when Derpsalot was kidnapped by an eagle and Epicgears, the man he had rescued before, coldheartedly denied him the same favor. I died, Epicgears died, Silent Bob tried to heroically retreat but died and the eagle ate Derpsalot's liver. The end.
Haha, no, it's not the end. We resurrected and restarted the encounter like the good little tools we were and tried again. We eventually killed the boss but there were like five more to go. I wish I could share more of my tales but I kind of spaced out. I had entered the zone. It's the zone where every part of your brain shuts down except the ones that are needed to breath and play WoW. I don't know how, but we did it, we finished the dungeon. Its all a blur to me. I can't remember how we did it but I'm sure there was a lot of crying involved. All I know is that somehow, against all odds, we succeeded. We celebrated our glorious victory with rounds of "ty for gruop" and "gj" and then argued bitterly about dividing the loot and that's when Silent Bob started fucking talking. Somewhere in a dark, underground laboratory, a Blizzard developer was staring at a monitor, watching us, his subjects, triumph in his virtual skinner box as he began pleasuring himself...
Enough tales. The new dungeons are pretty alright. The boss mechanics are actually challenging and require people to use more of their brain. If you were fans of the old versions of the dungeons then I guess an additional boss mechanic won't mean much. What other shit did they do? Oh yeah.
To encourage people to tank with the mentally challenged, Blizzard is offering special goody bags for us. See, there's always a shortage of tanks in the meat grinder, I mean, dungeon finder. To remedy this, they're offering special goodies if we que up when there's a tank shortage which is always. Simple time, its a BRIBE. Same goes for healers. If there's a healer shortage, they get the bags. If there's a shortage of damage dealers blizzard will give them the bag and a complimentary flying pig mount because that ain't gonna happen.
What else? New quests? Lol sure. Oh yeah, there's some kind of new system to earn currency. Whatever. I hate math. Google it if it interests you. That's about it then.
Somebody shoot me.
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