Royal Rumble 2011

The Royal Rumble is one of the biggest PPVs in the wrestling calendar scheduled just before Wrestlemania. The main feature of the event is the titular Royal Rumble where thirty men battle it out in one ring. The contestants enter the ring one at a time and can only be eliminated by being thrown over the top rope with both feet touching the ground below. This year is the "biggest rumble evah" with forty men instead of the traditional thirty. Personally, I don't see what good adding ten more jobbers to the list is gonna do but I digress.

Anyway, I missed the first match between Heavyweight Champion Edge and Dolph Ziggler. All I know is that Edge won. That's good enough for me. I still don't think Ziggler deserves to be champ. He's got great skills but no personality. Vicky is doing all the work gathering heat for the guy. Come to think of it, there really is no reason to hate Dolph. He hasn't really done anything. We hate him because of Vicky and all she does is scream a lot.

The second match is The Miz versus Randy Orton. Great. Whatever. The match was OK except for the whole interference bullshit ending where the Nexus inexplicably show up to screw Orton over for no reason. Come on, can't Orton ever lose cleanly? Stop turning him into Cena. The match did make me realize something. I really, really fucking hate The Miz, his annoying butt buddy Alex Riley and announcer Cole. I hope they die in a fire.

The Diva Championship match sucked big time. The crowd was dead and so was I. I almost fell asleep. That's all I gotta say. Dear WWE, please fix the Diva division.

So that's it? No more championship matches? Oh, time to start the rumble then. Yay.

The Rumble is initially interrupted by the Nexus fighting against Smackdown's own gang of idiots, The Corre. Seriously, that's what the group is called. The extra R is for retarded. P.S. their t-shirt sucks too. Anyway, management has order restored and we begin with CM Punk versus US Champion Daniel Bryan. I'm just gonna go over the Rumble real quick since I can't recap every single thing. Here's some highlights: (Numbered according to appearance)

A chant battle happens for both Punk and Bryan but Punk has the bigger crowd reaction. Daniel Bryan is a talented wrestler. Seriously, he should be a contender for the Heavyweight Championship. #5 is William Regal. Damn, he really let himself go.

John Morrison appears at #7. Morrison pulls off his own awesome Royal Rumble moment. Get this, he's pushed out of the ring but grabs onto the audience barricade and clings to it like Spiderman. His feet almost touched the floor. He then balances along the barricade, jumps on the steel steps and goes back in the ring. Sweet.

At #9, Husky Harris appears as the second member of Nexus and proceeds to protect Punk with his enormously fat ass. At #10 Chavo Guerrero slides into the ring. He begins doing the late Eddy Guerrero's "Three Amigos" suplexes. He points at the sky and briefly mimics Eddy's dance. Nice tribute.

Fast forward to # 15 and its David Otunga. There are four Nexus members in the ring now. They threw everyone else out. #16 Tyler Reks comes out and stupidly charges into the ring where four large men wearing the same team colors are visibly waiting for him. God, that was stupid. Michael McGillicutty (#13) or Magilla Gorilla as I prefer to call him, throws Reks out. #17 Kozlov stupidly charges in too and so does #18 R-Truth only to be thrown out. Couldn't they have taken their time a little? #19 The Great Khali appears and manages to throw Husky "Fatty Fat Fat" Harris over but the rest prove too much and Khali goes over the ropes. Look, I know the WWE wants us to see The Nexus as a "force to be reckoned with" but this is getting boring.

Then at #21 something amazing happens. BOOKER T.The crowd goes absolutely apeshit and so do I. Booker hits the scissor kick, then another and then does the "Book End". Wait? Could it be? OH YES! Spin-a-roony! Oh man, this is good...REAL good. This is so good, I know that it won't last if the WWE has anything to do with it. Oh well, Booker T gets tossed off the ring and the disappointment in the crowd was so incredible, I thought they would riot. I wished they did.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, John Cena comes out at #22. He gets into the ring and somehow manages to eliminate everyone but Punk. They fight a bit and knock each other out. Brilliant. #23 rings up and its Hornswoggle the "leprechaun". Really? A midget is in the Royal Rumble? This is now the lowest point in the evening.

Punk beats up Cena and turns his attention to Hornswoggle who he knocks down. He gets incredible heat from the crowd. Hilarious. CM Punk is eliminated. Lame. Eventually, some guy named Tyson Kidd comes out at #24 and I don't think neither I nor the crowd have ever even heard of him. He is so screwed. Cena effortlessly beats him and Hornswoggle pulls off an Attitude Adjustment on Kidd. You read that right. A midget just did a Fireman's Carry Slam on a guy about three times taller than him. How humiliating is that? Cena puts him out of his misery and throws him over. Alas, poor jobber, I hardly knew him. Jobber #25 appears and Cena and the midget do some funny stuff. This is the comedy segment of the Rumble it seems.

Kingston and Swagger come out at #26, #27 respectively and they all fight a bit. At #28 Sheamus (Hell Yeah!) makes his way to the ring. Looks like some faces are gonna be kicked. An interesting bit occurs when Sheamus (who is 100% concentrated Irish) comes face to face with Hornswoggle. Obviously offended by this negative stereotype of Irish culture, Sheamus deals with this affront to his proud heritage by KICKING the midget IN THE FACE. (Edit: My bad, he doesn't kick him but slams his head on the ground VIOLENTLY) I laughed so hard, I couldn't breath. Seriously, I nearly passed out. Hornswoggle goes up on the top rope to try to do a splash but Sheamus KICKS him IN THE FACE. I pissed myself. Hornswoggle is eliminated.

Some guys come out. It's not important. At #31 Ziggler appears? Didn't he just lose his Championship match? Anyway Diesel comes out at #32. The crowd goes crazy for him. They even booed Mysterio for hitting the 619 on the guy. Woah, its weird when people boo Mysterio. Has that ever happened before? Drew McIntyre appears at #33. Drew and Sheamus are both openly Irish and they hit it off pretty awesomely. Drew and Sheamus begin unloading a can of whoop ass on everyone like a...tag team? Holy shit! I hope they team up and revive the Tag Team Division.

#37 Santino shows up. He begins by strategically attacking the largest and most threatening man in the Rumble. He has his face smashed and he rolls off the ring but not over the top rope. I see what you did there WWE...

Alberto Del Rio enters at #38. Even though it's the goddamn Royal Rumble, he enters riding his sweet car and introduced by his personal announcer. You gotta love this guy. He takes his sweet time walking to the ring only to be ambushed by #39 who is...Randy Orton? Didn't he lose his Championship match as well? What the hell?

#40 is Kane. Well that sucks. No more surprises. No Triple H, no Batista, no Jericho. Shit, no Christian? Lame. Anyway stuff happens and Del Rio eliminates Orton. Looks like it's Del Rio for Wrestlemania!

But wait! Santino wasn't officially eliminated! Santino hits the cobra on Del Rio and begins dancing around the ring. I laugh my ass off. It literally fell off. I swear! Santino tries to toss Del Rio off the ropes but it backfires and Santino is done. Its Alberto Del Rio folks and I'm cool with that. If there ever was new talent to push it would be him.

It was an OK Royal Rumble.