Gorn

So I got this movie here, called Ichi the Killer. It's pretty violent and...

Ah, you know what? I'll put this aside for now.

Dante's Inferno Animated

First off, Dante's Inferno Animated is not an animated version of Dante's The Inferno. Rather, it is based on a video game called Dante's Inferno, which is based very, VERY, loosely on the actual work. It's not usual for video games to get this treatment so I figured it was worth a look. I don't own the game but I know enough about it.

Look at that. It says it's an animated epic. Whatever. The main character is Dante who is apparently a crusader out to take the holy land. Right of the bat, Dante's horse FLIPS through the air. Again, whatever. Dante rushes home to his wife Beatrice, who he believes is in great danger. Thankfully, she's not in danger but is simply dead. Her soul is taken by Lucifer to hell as payment for a "bargain" of some sort to be explained later. Dante decides that the rational thing to do is to jump into hell to save her and so begins the story and the hack n' slash killfest hour.

The story is incredibly fast with Dante cruising at the speed of one circle of hell per ten minutes. As he fights on, his past is shown to us via flashbacks. When we're not watching a flashback of Dante, we're watching him hack demons over and over and over again. That's pretty much it basically. The show is nothing but Dante whining about how hellish hell is as he carves an incredibly bloody path through the underworld. He is accompanied by Virgil who does all the exposition since Dante can only growl "Beatrice!" as the ghost of his very naked wife floats away. That's it. What do you expect being based on a video game of the novel?

By the way, the trailer is wrong. It's based on the game of the original material. ON THE GAME. I can't stress that enough so all you literary assholes out there looking for an adaptation of the real work won't get dissapointed. Dante never killed no demons. In fairness, the way it shows the circles of hell is pretty creative. The trailer mentions animated studios.

There were five studios involved giving us five distinct styles. The first is more western in appearance. It reminded me of Spawn though not as good and probably not the same studio I think. The animation seemed sped up and weird in some areas. The second is a lot better. It's more anime-like but tons more awesome. The third is where Dante gets anorexic with long angsty hair. In the fourth he gains 300 pounds of muscle mass and looks more like some kind of shonen crap. In the finale, he looks boring but the fight scenes are pulled of technically well. If it weren't for the varying styles, this epic would have been epically boring. It helps keep some variety. All versions are very violent with blood and guts and even more blood, tits, gore, blood. It's very bloody. Blood.

All in all, it's pointless, mindless action but it's fun. I never expected anything more than that. The visuals keep it interesting enough to hold my attention otherwise it gets repetitive. Don't expect anything deep in this movie. Throw away the, ugh, "book" you pussy and watch some violence.

Insecurity

Sometimes I don't feel safe.

With the recent massacre of unarmed women and civilians in Mindanao and a bunch of kidnappings here and there, sometimes it seems the country is falling apart. I feel like any idiot with a gun can kill anyone and get away with it. I think the sad reality is that nobody is really safe anymore. You can't rely on the police to protect you and frankly I don't trust police officers at all. I know your supposed to respect authority but I'm suspicious instead. Cynicism and paranoia.

I need to learn how to shoot.

A Night At The Movies

Last Sunday, in an unexplainable turn of events, my mother all of a sudden liked Twilight. She saw the first movie on the TV and then decided to watch the second movie in the cinema just like that. The movie was on 9:30 in the evening. This is so unlike her. I knew Twilight was evil. It is obviously clouding her spirit in some sinister manner.

Anyway there was no way I was watching that movie so I got my cousin, who is a fan of it, to watch with mom while I watch Ninja Assassin. Well, I thought it would be less gay but in many ways, it was a weird movie.

Ninja Assassin or Ninjer Assassin as the white foreigner behind me called it, at first confused me. Was it about an assassin who killed ninjas? A ninja who is also an assassin? Well I can tell you what it was. It was a movie starring Rain, a Korean pop star. In between the copious amounts of blood and gore there were copious shots of Rain's sculpted torso. Needless to say it was confusing. It was violent but then gay. Violent then gay. Gay then violent. Oh cool his head got split and oh is that Rain? Gay! Oh man he got cut in -oh its Rain again. Gay! I swear, after a scene where some guy had his ass kicked, I got treated to a scene with Rain just working out and then lying down on a bed in his undies. Is this a guy or a chick movie?

I don't know what to say about the movie so I'll just laugh about it instead. The movie is unintentionally hilarious when you think about it. Rain's expression doesn't change much until the fight scene where he looks like he needs to shit. There's a story about ninja clans that Rain's character has betrayed. The best part is the head of the ninja clan. The villain has a hilarious accent. You disgrace famiry! The fight scenes were hard to follow. All eye candy. Not as bad as say a Michael Bay movie but still.

Gay.

MadTV - 3 Minute Meals

I miss MadTV. Why is it that the cable company always takes away my favorite channels?