I Hate Adele

I hate Adele. I think she's one of the most overrated singers of all time. My mother loves her songs but too bad. I, on the other hand, think all of her songs are garbage.

To clarify, I don't hate the person. I hate the songs, which are all terrible without exception.

I liked Skyfall. It was a pretty good James Bond movie. Adele's song for it was just a mess, however, and ruined the movie for all time.

Why do I hate her songs? Just listen to it. It's always about two people talking to each other over the goddamned phone. She sings about people trying to talk to each other. Wow. Here's a song about the difficulty of communication. Big deal. Hello from the other side? More like goodbye.

Its not just the substance of the songs but how they sound. Allow me to ruin every Adele song for you. Listen to any one of them. If you'll notice, all she does is overextend her vowels. It's all long, drawn-out vowels. I had the misfortune of listening to an Adele song over the car radio one day. What song it was doesn't matter since they're all the same anyway. She sang only three words in the span of ten minutes, stretching out the vowels of each word to pad time. I could stomach her ululations no longer and smashed the radio with my fist. Mercifully, it changed into one of those stupid AM radio shows but that's miles better than Adele.

The sound of twenty jackhammers pounding into concrete while a jet takes off overhead is lot better than having to listen to her inhuman wailing.

Anyone can sing like Adele so why does everyone treat her songs like they're so special? Go ahead and pick up any piece of writing you want. Grab a newspaper. Take a place-mat from Jollibee, for all I care, and read the contents aloud. Stretch every vowel for ten to thirty seconds. Congratulations. Collect your Grammy.

Her songs should be banned as a war crime.