Swab Test

So I had to take a swab test for the Wuhan flu. We were made to by the office because some genius cop decided to make his way into the building while he was still waiting for his own test results. He turned out to be positive for the virus. Just to be safe, we were all told to get tested.

I wasn't looking forward to the swab test to say the least. I don't know if you've seen the pictures but it's all nurses in spacesuits sticking long chopsticks in your nose until they hit something. I exaggerate but I was assured that the newer tests used shorter, less intrusive swabs. So I scheduled the only event I would ever schedule in 2020 -  a damn swab test in some hospital parking lot.

This is how it went. You fill out the forms, etc. of course. It was advertised as a "drive-thru" service, as if to bring to mind happier times when people could eat out. What it really meant was that I didn't need to step out of the car. So the nurse comes along and she takes out this really long cotton swab and I felt cheated. But as it turns out, this swab was for the throat. I felt relieved and distressed at the same time. I was relieved that this pencil wasn't going up my nose but I was distressed that it was for my throat. I hadn't anticipated the throat part.

Here's the problem: I have an extremely sensitive gag reflex. It doesn't take much for me to start choking and gasping for air. I'm also a picky eater. I'm sure it's a problem relating to the oral phase of psycho-sexual development as that fraud Freud would put it. I think I read that in a book or a place-mat at Shakey's. Anyway, all the nurse had to do was lean in and I was already like a cat hacking up a hairball. But it had to be done. The nurse told me she'd do it as quickly as possible. So I took a deep breath and to her credit, she managed to take the sample before I made like a dying animal again.

After that difficult experience, the nose swab seemed like an afterthought. It's true that the new tests aren't as intrusive as the old one. She inserted a mercifully shorter, thinner swab in each nostril. It took only like one to two seconds. It wasn't painful at all but it was just very uncomfortable. You can't help but tear up and start sniffling. 

I got my results back in a day and it was nothing to worry about. If you have to get tested, it's not so bad after all.

 Hopefully I won't have to do this again.