11/30/15 Home

Finally.

The exam last Sunday was the worst ever but I don't care at this point. It's in God's hands now. I'm just happy to be home, to eat home-cooked food and to sleep on my bed.

It's been a learning experience. There were ups and downs but no matter what happens, I'm kinda glad to have done what I did.

I think I'll sleep well tonight.

11/27/15 Push

One final push until the end and then that's that.

Time flies, huh?

11/25/15 War

So how about that Russian plane, eh?

Wouldn't it be funny if things suddenly started looking up then World War Three happens?

11/24/15 Rimsky-Korsakov - Scheherazade: The Young Prince and The Young Princess

11/23/15 Live

The third Sunday is down and it's just one more to go. It's pretty much downhill from here. Hmm, maybe "downhill" is the wrong word to use.

I don't like doing this but I'm about to get personal here. If you don't like personal, narcissistic diarrhea that's fine, the close button is usually on the top right of the screen so you can go ahead and click that.

I'll be honest, I think I did OK so far. The problem is, "OK" isn't good enough. The passing rate needs an average of seventy five. 

I try to be optimistic but the thought of failure creeps in often. How many Filipinos are there in the Philippines? Ninety-two million or so. How many people are taking the exam? About seven thousand. On average, what's the passing rate? About twenty percent? The odds are slim. People tell me not to talk about failure or even think it. The talking part, I get. People may not want to hear it, especially if that person is a fellow taker. Thoughts are not so easily suppressed.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather not have to do this bullshit again or come to this stinking place. Perhaps the best course of action is to find new opportunities next year with the thought that this whole Law thing might not pan out.

A few nights ago, I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was finally back at home in my room but something was terribly wrong. I was standing there but I wasn't moving. I was completely unable to move my body. Everything seemed frozen. Time itself stood still and the daylight from the windows were blinding but night never came.

I believe dreams have meaning. If you're into surrealism, dreams are a window to our subconscious thoughts. After much thought, I think I deciphered it. Perhaps it is not failing the bar I'm afraid of but the idea that my life will stop if I don't pass it. The whole thought of life as a single linear road that admits no deviation: be born, go to school, get diploma, pass exam, get job, raise family, die. If I fail the exam, will everything just...stop? With the exam over, what will I do? If I fail, will I have to do this again and again? Will everything just stop and stagnate? Is this all there is? Will it be this way forever? Where the hell am I really going?

It's all ridiculous of course. This exam should not the be the be all, end all but this exam has done nothing but narrow my worldview. All this hype and inflated importance all for a stupid state sponsored board exam. It's gotten to the point that I cannot fathom what I'm going to do with myself if I don't make it; if I make a wrong turn in this miserable one way street. I guess the thought of actually living life and making the most of what happens instead of following the script is a lot more terrifying than any board exam.

Maybe I'm just so bored of it all. All my life has been sitting in a classroom listening to old people tell me how life works. Some of my fellow classmates have had jobs in the past. Some have families and children. I've got nothing but this fucking exam. What's left of my misspent youthful energy is driving me into impatience. I want to live goddammit. I need to get out there but I know everything in my body will resist it. Part of me is always afraid. There is comfort in staying coddled by educational institutions and living the life of a student on someone else's dime. There is comfort in staying a student forever and just going along believing in the false markers for success society has laid out. There is comfort in routine and just going through the motions again and again. The nightmare must not become a reality.

 I've spent eight years in college and nothing to show for it but pieces of paper.

11/20/15 Fresh

This sounds crazy but I have a sudden craving for fresh fruit.

Mangoes, bananas, oranges, grapes... I've been eating a higher quantity of fast food this month, way more than usual. How pathetic is this. My own body is screaming, "Hey! Eat some fucking fruit you fatass!"

 All that bland crap pretending to be bananas in 7 Eleven do not count.

11/19/15 Value

I've gone to 7 Eleven almost everyday now. The cashier remembered me and suggested that I get a value card. Gee, I wish I thought of that at the start of this whole thing. I could have made good use of it.

Well, it's too late now Goddammit.

11/18/15 Smile

Have you ever been to a stupid social gathering that you didn't want to go to but had to? You go from a foul murderous expression to an upbeat smile because you have to keep appearances and be sociable. The APEC is pretty much this. Manila went from a shithole to pleasantville in no time. It was actually nice to be out and about today and there wasn't even any traffic for me since people were forced to stay home. No street beggars harassing me either. 

I had a funny thought. As soon as this APEC thing is over, is Manila going to instantly relapse in like, a second? Imagine that as soon as the last delegate steps foot on his plane, everything just collapses like a sudden gust of wind to a house of cards.

It's all a house of cards, I tell you.

11/17/15 Edvard Grieg - Piano Concerto in A minor Op. 16

11/16/15 Police

You know what, I'm not even going to talk about the exam.

Police lined the streets all day presumably as security for the APEC. A lot of police officers were just loitering about waiting for something interesting to happen.

What a joke APEC is. What significant thing has APEC ever accomplished anyway? It doesn't have any real power. All it does is waste taxpayer money and effectively halts all production and commerce in the capital city for weeks. 

It's a bit tense given what just happened in Paris. I doubt the government can stop a terrorist plot if the bad guys were really determined to strike. Incompetence has infected the government at every level. The last thing we need is for an international incident to put our ineptitude on display. Anybody remember that bus hostage fiasco?

What an annoyance.

11/13/2015 Vanishing Act

Across from where I'm staying, there's a 7-Eleven. This 7-Eleven, and many others like it, had a bunch of mendicants camping outside its doors. They would ask for money and even any food or drink you were carrying with you. Call me heartless but I think it's rude to ask a person enjoying a cold beverage or tasty snack to essentially hand over all of it just like that. 

And why do beggars have to physically touch you anyway? Since when did they decide this was a socially acceptable thing to do? Who enjoys being touched by people who are, let's face it folks, filthy and smelly? If they disrespect a person enough to invade his personal space, why do they think they're entitled to that person's generosity? I give change if they're not pushy, which is rare so it works for me. Invasion of personal space is where I draw the line.

Anyway, I don't have to worry about them anymore. They're gone! No, I didn't kill them. I suspect their vanishing act had something to do with the upcoming APEC nonsense that Manila is hosting. Just like what Marcos did before, we gotta hide the poor people. We can't let those rich foreigners see the horrible, soul-crushing poverty the people live in.

Thankfully, the government assures us that the street people have been taken care of "humanely". Marcos used the crude method of putting up walls to hide the shantytowns. We've taken it a step further. It's more of an art now really. It takes quite a bit of skill to make people disappear. Where have they gone? Who knows where the government shuffles them around. I remember sometime ago in Cebu, I think, where the poor were hidden away in some fancy resort (all on taxpayer dime). 

For the record, the government never says they're hiding them. They simply say that they relocate the homeless as part of a welfare program. The fact that the relocation is happening just in time for the APEC is purely coincidence! We do this kind of stuff for the homeless "all the time", at least, all the time when an international summit is happening.

They called them "relocations" or "resettlements" of "housing projects" or whatever. I wonder what they're calling it now. I prefer the term "mandatory vacations". It has a nice ring to it, no?

I don't blame the government for doing what it does. I can understand the reasoning. We don't want the street folk harassing the foreign guests. But there's something profoundly dehumanizing about it. Were that all our society's problems could be hidden away in the dark; out of sight therefore, out of mind. Hey, nobody cared who the Lumads were until someone exposed them to the light. Society doesn't really care about the less fortunate. You knew that already. Is it the poor that we're hiding or is it our own cruel indifference?

As the song goes, "Too many people suffer in silence".

11/11/15 Nothing

Nothing much to say today.

11/10/15 Restricted

I just realized that there are two McDonalds within the same walking distance from my place. I live in a corner and there's one McDonalds on each side within fifteen seconds of walking distance. Today, I went to the nearby mall to eat. I could have sworn I saw a Jollibee within a Jollibee. Am I going insane?

Getting around Manila is very difficult. I heard stories from my mother about how well organized and efficient mass transit was in Japan. I imagine her vacation there was very enjoyable since getting from one place to another was so easy. You could fit a lot of activities in a day if movement weren't such an issue.

Manila is another story. The trend is that sections of the city and new developments go for some kind of "self-sufficiency". Everything has to be nearby since going far takes up too much time with all the traffic congestion and whatnot. Hence, we get McDonalds to the left and right, Jollibees within Jollibees and huge malls. 

Ah yes, the malls. What could be more contained than a mall? It has everything. Some even have dedicated chapels where you can attend Sunday mass. Personally, I think it's in profane to hold mass in what is essentially a temple to our own golden calves but the priests must go where they must; where the people are.

I guess that's part of the reason why it feels so oppressive here. I feel constrained in movement like I can't go where I want to. It's not just the traffic. Just a few days ago, a taxi driver tried to put one over on my mother. The driver wouldn't turn on his meter and demanded cash upfront to drive her to the airport and that if she didn't like it, she could just find another cab. What an asshole. Some drivers refuse outright to take you to certain places if they think it's too troublesome. A lot won't even give you back your change. Jeepney drivers are exactly as you would expect. The bus drivers are reckless and double park while waiting forever for more passengers before they leave. The rail system is decrepit and could collapse any minute. Have you seen the rail cars? I saw one chug past and it looked pitiful.

I've been wondering what's been eating me about this place and I think I found part of the reason why I feel so off. I feel restricted. I feel like I can't go anywhere without it unnecessarily eating a lot of my time.

Dan Brown was right. This is the gates of hell and what's worse, there's a really long line too.

It's disturbing to think that Cebu City is essentially going the same direction.

11/09/15 One Down

So there we were at UST that Sunday morning. Grim lines of people shuffling in like pigs being herded into an abattoir. Not even the chants of nearby cheer squads or the sounds of friendly chatter could mask the sense of unease and dread in the air.

It went like the way we practiced in the mock bar exams we had in school. You go to your assigned room and wait an eternity with your thumb shoved up your ass. The questions are the things no amount of mock bar exams can truly prepare you for.

Political Law was a kick in the balls. The questions were difficult and there was barely enough time. There were some questions I wasn't sure of the answers to and I had less than thirty minutes. I ended up just putting the first thing that popped into my head and rushed it at the end. I felt my face was melting and there were live snakes squirming in my stomach. My throat felt like a desert and I had no appetite; had to force myself to eat. Not eating at all would be worse later on.

Labor Law seemed like a dream then swiftly turned to a nightmare. At least I learned to manage time better.

I don't know what to make of all this. It wasn't the total disaster that I feared but it wasn't a clear victory. I can't say with confidence if I did well or not. The anxiety still hasn't gone away to this day.

But it's one down and three more Sundays to go. I want this to be over. This is one of the most stressful things I've ever gone through. I feel isolated and alone. The place and people here are awful. Homesickness is getting worse.

This is one long ass month.

11/06/15 Nostalgia

It's been difficult. So far, I've been oscillating wildly between bouts of cold resignation and unwarranted optimism. Tonight however, it's nostalgia mixed with depression. Looking back at the last five years, it's been quite a ride. I remember when I was still a Law school freshman and how much energy I had. I remember the eagerness to read those brick-like books and the genuine desire to learn. Poof! Gone.

What the hell happened?

11/05/15 Manila

I don't like Manila. It's not a secret. Manila is an overcrowded dump and anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional. It's hard to believe that there are actually people who claim to love this place.

Trips that would normally take ten minutes by simple distance takes forty thanks to traffic. Street after street of nothing but the same stores and fast food chains next to piles of garbage against a backdrop of grey, grimy concrete. The people are indifferent but exude an unmistakable vibe of hostility as they push past the armies of beggars to jaywalk across clogged roads.

I admit I may be overreacting but honestly, I really do hate this place as long as I can remember and nothing can change that.

11/04/15 Bullet

All everyone ever talks about is the bullet-planting scandal in the airport. People can yell all they want but given this administration's record, nothing will happen. Nobody is ever responsible for anything and nobody is ever punished except if you're an enemy of the current ruling class.

Culture of impunity in full effect.

11/03/15 Alien

Full disclosure; I can barely speak Tagalog. Language is learned through constant practice and since I never saw the need for it, I never learned to speak it. I don't watch Tagalog shows too so I didn't pick it up that way..

It's frustrating to be reduced to using very basic and rudimentary Tagalog. People probably think I'm some kind of deficient.

I might as well be an alien from outer space.

11/02/15 My World

I would have blogged yesterday but it's busy work settling in. I'm in Manila waiting for my shot at the Philippines' most overhyped board exam. My laptop won't connect to the internet for some reason so I'm writing on a tablet. It's a pain so I'll keep these things short.

This tiny room is my world now.