Paul Johnson - Get Get Down (Original Extended Mix)

Maid in Malacañang - Movie Review

As "luck" would have it, I got a hold of a ticket to the red carpet screening of Maid in Malacañang, the hot new movie people on Twitter can't shut up about.  If you want the short story, I didn't like this movie. If you want the longer story, read on.

Unrealistic Expectations

The movie is the "untold story" of the last days of the Marcos Presidency inside Malacañang Palace before they were brought to Hawaii during the EDSA revolution.

I didn't know what kind of movie to expect at first since I had no interest in it and never expected to receive free tickets to the premiere screening to fall on my lap. To be honest, I thought that this movie would turn out to be like a Forrest Gump situation - a story about an average person, in this case a maid, caught up in the middle of historic events. It would be hit-or-miss parade of in-jokes and references from the time period. It would be all tongue-in-cheek. 

How naïve and ignorant I was.

Imee Marcos had a hand in the making of this movie. In fact, she was there during the screening along with the stars of the show. Each of them had a little mic time before the movie to thank the audience for attending the screening and all that. Imee, however, told us that this movie would finally show to us the truth of the events of those 72 hours after being buried all these years. It would finally show her family's side of the story. She publicly maintains that this movie is the capital "T" truth. 

Uh, huh. I was in for quite a ride.

We were given free popcorn and a "nutribun" to snack on while watching. I however, am upright of character and cannot be bribed by cheap snack foods. No sir. 

Truth is a Bludgeon

People throw the word "propaganda" around as if to show they're too smart to be fooled by media. But there's no other way to describe this movie. Imee herself said that this is "their side" of the story so by definition, it's biased. Rather than tipping the scales of history into equilibrium however, I'm presented with a story wherein President Ferdinand Marcos was a completely benevolent leader beset on all sides by "ahas" or traitors; a benign, Christ-like figure who would rather suffer betrayal (and lupus) in dignified silence than lash out and plunge the country in further peril. His family? Oh, they loved him. They loved him too much in fact, and agreed to suffer along with him. 

How their situation came about isn't addressed any further than people being selfish opportunists. The movie portrays the Marcoses as completely blameless.

And that's my problem with the movie - it lays it on too thick. This movie is as subtle as an oncoming semi-truck. Even when I already knew to expect that the movie would be biased, I didn't expect it to be as audacious as it was. If you weren't already a political supporter or ally of the Marcoses, this movie is practically insulting to your intelligence.

Chewing the Scenery

Let's put aside the politics for a moment. The movie is structured into ten (if I remember correctly) scenes. There's no single story or theme uniting these scenes together other than it being the final days of the Marcos Regime. Think of it as a collection of recollections. Each scene presents a scenario. For example, there's one scene wherein the elder Marcos has a talk with his son who is now our current President, Bongbong. There's a scene where Imee confronts her father about his passivity in the face of the dangers to his life. There's a scene where Imelda has a heart-to-heart with Bongbong, etc.

The problem I have with these scenes is that each scene is designed not just to present the Marcoses in a sympathetic light but to showcase the acting chops of its stars. It was tiring. It seemed that in each scene, every actor was trying to outdo the others in how hammy he can deliver his or her lines. There was screaming. There was yelling. Many tears were shed. It was all so melodramatic but that is to be expected in Philippine cinema. No, what really made this bad was that it was many scenes of overacting instead of just one in the end. One after the other, the movie would just come at you and demand that you share in its emotions. What made it even more obnoxious was that the cinema turned up the volume too high, so much so that the actress playing Imee was like screaming directly into my ear. By the middle of the movie, I was praying they would get in the chopper already.

Was there a "maid" in Malacanang? Yes, there were three, in fact. And they were easily the best, most relatable characters in the movie, which is why they were portrayed as staunch Marcos supporters. All the household help and staff in Malacanang, all simple everyday folk, loved the Marcoses, it seems, for reasons other than them being the ones paying their salaries. How could you not love the Marcoses? There was a scene where all the honest, hardworking staff and maids cried about how unfair it was, what the world was doing to their masters. Please sympathize and try not to roll your eyes.

The movie's artifice was too obvious.

Some Weird Scenes

As if the movie wasn't hard enough to go along with, the director, for some reason, decided to put some very bizarre scenes that just yanked me out of the movie.

The first scene was the one I mentioned previously where Imelda had a heart-to-heart with her son. As they laid side by side on the bed talking about how she wondered if they could return to their beloved Philippines, the camera zoomed into one of her shoes which had the label "BBM 2022". To those who don't know, that's a reference to her son's political campaign and if the scene I just described to you sounds utterly ridiculous, that's because it is. I have no idea why the director did this to me and to the audience. 

The second scene which had me scratching my head was during the finale when a loyal soldier played by Robinhood (formerly known as just Robin) Padilla volunteered to escort the President and his family to safety. When they asked this loyal soldier how he was able to sneak into the Palace, he said he pretended to be a "yellowtard" and got through. If you didn't know, "yellowtard' is a modern derogatory epithet to describe the EDSA crowd. The director, for some unexplained reason, just put that there in the subtitles but the spoken dialogue did not use "yellowtard".  Was it a mistake? Maybe the original script was packed full of vitriol. Who knows? All I know is the director seems determined to make me dislike his movie and not take it seriously despite it being the supposed buried truth of the Marcoses' Exodus. 

Also, there was also a scene where Ferdinand Marcos looked at Imee lovingly in the eyes, as a father would his daughter, and told her that it was actually her who was the real maid in Malacañang after all. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Final Thoughts

This movie was clearly not made for the likes of me. If you were a Marcos supporter, you would love this movie and you would probably even cheer when you see the magic time-travelling shoe and laugh when Robinhood made a jab against those dumb yellows. If you're on the fence or apathetic to Philippine politics, then this movie would probably be a disappointment or nothing at all. 

However, if you're an EDSA guy, a Kakampink, or of similar persuasion, this movie will kill you. You'll snap your neck from vigorously shaking your head in shame and disbelief. Consider that a warning.

Do I recommend this movie? I don't believe I have to say anything. You already know if you love it or hate it. Just don't make the mistakes I did and expect any awareness or nuance in this modern political landscape.

If you're still reading this and at this point you're wondering about my personal political leanings so you can hate me for them, then I'm sorry that modern politics has rotted your brain. 

Peace. 

Eric Johnson - Cliffs Of Dover [HQ Studio Version]

Some Bad Shit That Happened Somewhere

While on the road, I passed beneath an overpass and then had an amusing thought: what if this thing suddenly collapsed and crushed me to death? What if it crushed all the homeless people living underneath it too? What if turned into some freak disaster where a thousand people died?

What would probably happen in situations like this, at the very least, is that it would trend on social media. There would be hundreds of cell phone camera footage of the collapse. There would be footage of the dead bodies of course, blurred just enough to be "decent" but gory enough to sate the typical viewer's bloodlust. If it's bad, it will trend nationwide. If it's really bad it'll trend worldwide. People will tweet sad emojis offering their thoughts and prayers and then angry emojis saying that accidents can only happen under a Marcos presidency.

Here comes the funny part.

When some bad shit that happened somewhere trends on social media, the government agencies responsible and the opportunistic politicians rouse from their torpor to make hay of the incident. They'll tell us it's fine. No, even better. They'll tell us that they're working on a solution to make sure tragedies like this will never ever occur again in the history of the Philippines. They will scream to the heavens that from this point forward, overpasses shall be banned in the city and the entire country. The companies responsible for building the overpass will be dragged before the court of Law and will (maybe) be sentenced after an absurdly lengthy trial. Legislators will attempt to pass even more new laws while government agencies also attempt to pass their own rules. Soon there will be new regulations telling construction companies important facts such as how to mix cement and why it's very important that structures don't collapse. There will be rules on the maximum weight limit of cars allowed on overpasses (which are outlawed). We will suffer a month or two of this and then forget the incident happened.

Okay, maybe it wasn't that funny.